This Is The End Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

And so the blog ends with this last title:

“Batman”: Nobody plays a better Batman than Michael Keaton. No one does a better Joker than Jack. This version of Batman was closest to the comic books in my heart. The humor by the Joker was funny and tickled my funny bone, “That’s why, I’m glad you’re dead. Ha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!” The portrayal of a playboy Bruce by Keaton was sweet and simple. The man acted clueless about parties, “How many cases of champagne? Six?” And he got the ladies (man oh man was that white dress nasty hideous). But when he donned that batsuit, amazing things happened and he looked waaaaaaaay badass. There was no stopping that batsuit; it just looked powerful. Gothom was sweet and dark looking. But most importantly, the plot was as simple as can be: good guy vs. bad guy. Hubba hubba who do you hear? A HEARING AID ON. And so I leave you with this final post of this movie blog. It was fun and ate up a ton of my time. But in reality, I watch that much, so it was nothing new for me to watch movies and tv shows. However, blogging about it, that was something new and creative, and allowed me to share humor and insights. May 2014 be a HEARING AID ON year for y’all. You go and get now. Dontcha come back har. Ya hear? Ciao. Ciao.

Will This Be My Last

“Hell Comes To Frogtown”: Holy snapballs! What the hell was the movie all about? It was whacked out weirdness, even for a movie watcher like myself: save females to impregnate them in a mutant (mainly lizard creatures) and Rowdy Roddy Piper’s penis belongs to the gov’ment. You want strange and bizarre and a plot that is so stupid it is so worthless to watch, this is for you. The mutants were made really well, but the acting was not even close as worthwhile watching as the ugly frog face female putting the moves on Piper’s piper. You want to be weirded out, please entertain yourself with this puke. HEARING AID OFF

“I Like To Hurt People”: Wow, what a catchy tune throughout, “I like to hurt people. I like to hurt peeeeople. I like to HURT people.” Sing it to an 80s rock sound and you got a catchy groove, people. I like to hurt people. This was one hell of a fun mockumentary with great wrestlers like Dusty Rhodes & Terry Funk. It was so cool watching this film about NWA and seeing interviews with fatso wrestlers that love to hurt people. I like to hurt peeeeople. But underlying it all was the Sheik & the STS (Stop The Sheik) campaign. Fun movie for wresting fans all over. Remember one thing: Dusty Rhodes has wined and dined with kings and queens. Oh, also remember that I like to hurt people. Yeah, I like to hurt people. HEARING AID ON

“Grunt: The Wrestling Movie”: Holy crapballs, this movie is awesome to the cheesiness of the most cheesiest cheese puffs you have ever eaten. This is a fake mockumentary about mostly fake wrestlers and a plot about whether Mad Dog is the Mask. You have got to watch this movie and pay attention to every word. Like for example, after the champ is decapitated during a match, the governing body finally comes to a conclusion after 6 years as to how to proceed with the new champion: battle royal. The mockumentary crew sets out on a hilarious journey and it is all one hell of a ride with laughs beyond control and intention. The ending is surprising and great and will make you get fired up in an odd way and make you nod your head and say, “This movie is great. Man it makes me want to hurt people.” HEARING AID ON

“Hot To Trot”: Ha, what a blast from the atomic past. Gosh, it was a fun, lighthearted ride with a talking horse and ugly Bobcat. Damn, was his hair so bad, along with his clothes, but we’ll forgive him because it was the 80s. The 80s was all about bad hair and horrendous clothes. The reason this movie was simply great was that it had a laidback feel to it; showing the viewers that nothing is truly being taken seriously. And guess what, John Candy is the voice of the horse, which is so worth the fun to watch, well, maybe more so, listen. With this one, turn your hearing aid on and laugh a little at the ridiculousness of it all; 80s style that is. HEARING AID ON

Oh Abe.

“Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”: I don’t care what you think, but this film was badass. I’m sure it wasn’t as good as the book, but nobody can beat an Honest Abe while he is swinging a mean looking ax. The scenes were sweet, like the horse jumping & train stomping. I loved how the fiction was tied in with the nonfiction. Don’t worry, I know it is nothing new, but the whole fact that the North almost lost to vampires and not slave owners is rather quite mind blowing. Plus, I loved the scene in which the viewer gets to look at Abe with his beard and top hat for the first time: WOW & WHOA!: truly, truly one badass prez. It was fun. It was action. It was real. It was not real. It was a president that understood the value of history and journal taking. It was a president that understood the value of taking sacrifices for the greater good. Hey, vampires just might be out there. If Obama ain’t wielding a silver tipped blade right now, we can still rest assure knowing Sam & Dean got our backs. HEARING AID ON

End Of Christmas Cheers

“It’s A Wonderful Life”: After watching this film, how can it not be. The film has it all: comedy, drama, seriousness, great story-telling narration, wonderful acting and cheesy cheerfulness. Notice Alfalfa. There were even a couple actors that played in a few Stooges’ shorts. The reason why this is such a classy film is that it is about a small town boy and his hopes of leaving, only to get sucked into the town and become a valuable member. Another valuable wonderfulness of this film is the drafty ol’ house and all those damn kids, along with all the miserable happenstances of life that make holidays so extra very stressful, yet wonderful. I wouldn’t go so far as killing myself for the sake of saving the family, because that really doesn’t make sense. The family needs me and whatever pickle one is in, if a family pulls together, great and wonderful things will happen, in time, that is. My favorite scene was when they were in the alternate universe in the bar and the bartender keeps wringing the cash registrar bell, “Look, I’m giving angels wings.” Smart assy and funny. How about when George goes running around at the end in his high pitched voice, running all hunched over? Wonderful. So wonderful. HEARING AID ON

“Jack Frost”: Claymation and what-the-hell-is-going-on-amation? It seemed like the subliminal message was Russians vs. Germans; crazy mechanical one hand man vs. blonde-hair-blue-eyes. The coolest was how snow was made by little blue people. The story was actually very dumb. Dumb dumb dumb. I have no idea as to why I watched it, maybe it was the mechanical horse, the mechanical had puppet and/or the groundhog. Not sure, but I notice my oldest son could not stop watching the movie. HEARING AID OFF

Christmacheeron

“Christmas With The Simpsons”: A small collection of Simpsons Christmas episodes that are funny because of Homer. Homer is the essence of that average American guy who is funny, pitiful, typical, average, below-average, down-to-earth, dumb, down-trodden, sad and everything else American. My favorite is when he parked in the handicap spot and walked away by dragging 1 leg. I know the Simpsons have been around for over 20 years, but I didn’t realize how much spoofing went into the show. Gary Coleman, he crazy. Whatchotalkinbout, Lou? HEARING AID ON

“Fred Claus”: Paul was a great depressed Santa & Vaughn did his usual wrap. But it all worked out. The movie was touching, funny and festive. Best scenes are the chimney dropping scenes (especially the Jewish one & all cookie related scenes) & the siblings anonymous (And then Rocky came out). What was so touching about this movie was the love-hate relationship between the two, Santa always loving & Fred not so much. “You’re the best big brother.” I loved that scene. Although I will never say that to any of my older brothers because they simply can never attain that status; I would love to be told that from my older brothers, even though I’m the youngest. This is what I want to hear, “You’re the best brother. We just forgot to tell you that.” Brother scenes kill me every damn time. A spot within my heart has been ripped open and left unfilled for over a decade by those that are called my brothers. “What happened? Why?” you ask. I fell in love with a beautiful woman who happened to have different colored skin than myself. However, recently, one brotherly love has reentered my life and it feels good, but I must go on as I have done in the past simply because that is the way to go. My 3 sons will learn from the errors of their uncles and what definitely not to do. Life is way, way too short to hate one’s own blood; but it happens and life must go on. Fred & Nick patch up after centuries of stupidity. Yes, all it takes is a small gesture & a pinch of ol’ time brotherly love can be enjoyed. Sadly, we are not everlasting creatures from Claus blood, so patch it already. Idiots. HEARING AID ON

“Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause”: Although not nearly as wonderful as the first 2, I still love the adventure. Martin Short was simply great as a bad guy. His hair was great, his eye brows were truly wonderful & best of all, he made a terrible Santa Claus. This film had a lot of cheesiness involved like the families in the North Pole & the little red-head girl and her snow globes. There was a lot a funniness from Tim that was missing. There were too many secondary characters; there should have been more of a focus on Santa not being Santa. Why did they name their baby Buddy, becauseI immediately thought of Will Ferrell as the Elf? That’s all. HEARING AID ON

Christmas Cheers Still Going

“Home Alone”: Do you know why this movie worked so great and became a signature Christmas classic? John Hughes? Maybe. “Me-callie-caulk-in,” (say it with a creepy leprechaun voice over and over; it sounds so much better; first time I heard anyone say it like that was this red-head dude at St. Eds from my class; he was a funny dude, but I cannot remember his name, I think he was a baseball player)? Not really. Joe Pesci? Maybe. Insane plot? Possibly. I believe it worked because of the right combo of actors that made up the story. I loved the burglars and their stupidity. I loved a little boy left in a house and had the time of his life. Notice, little Me-callie-caulk-in shot Larry Bird toy with a BB gun. Damn you. And if anyone ever called my son a little Jerk, I would grab a frozen beer can and whip it at that persons face. Whip ‘em in da face. I will. And I will. And I will. And I will whip it in your face. Classy scene was the pizza delivery guy and the black and white film. Snakes? I don’t know no Snakes. HEARING AID ON

“The Nightmare Before Christmas”: Cult classic blah blah blah. Goofy animation and singing don’t match no how. I never liked it when I first saw it. Sure as hell don’t like it now. Aside from the fact I had no idea what any creature was saying, except for the phrase, “I’m the pumpkin king,” the movie was too long, too dark and too meaningless. In short, nothing was appealing to this hearingless boy. It was a nightmare before my eyes. The only good part was the gumbo ghost blanket that had insects underneath him. He sounded like he should be in a New Orleeeens jazz band. Toot-toot. (I wonder if Disney took his liking & voice for the gator in the Princess & the Frog). HEARING AID OFF

“It’s Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown”: Another magical short moment of tiny childhood holiday memories. Linus doesn’t have a blanket & Peppermint Patty’s toes. No joys there. The greatest moments of this cartoon are the adult voices: whomp whomp whomp. Aw man, I love it, I just wish the adults at the library sounded like that. Actually, wait a minute, nearly everyone sounds like that to me at some point. The best is when I wake up with a real bad case of the Mondays (it doesn’t have to actually occur on a Monday) & arrive to work and get people asking me questions as soon as I walk to my desk. I immediately hear whomp whomp whomp wop wop woo woo woo whomp whomp whomp. I give that person the most unintentionally deadly stare, smile and say softly, “Hold on, bitch I just go here. Gimme an f-ing minute, here. Oh, and I hope you rot in hell.” No wonder some people never come back to me for help. HEARING AID ON

Santa Cheer Me Up

“Santa Clause 2”: Toy Santa was a trip. Hoo, hoo, hoooooo! Or how ‘bout when it drank the hot cocoa super-fast. Everything about the toy Santa was hilarious. I loved his rant about rules and coal, his face & smile. Dammit all, Tim was great. I even thought the reindeerspeak was great. The value of this movie was the scene in the gym, where all the teachers’ inner child was overwhelmed with Christmas spirit. Ho. Ho. Ho. Get me some of that hot cocoa. No wait. Coal. Yes! Everyone gets coal. Coal. Coal. Coal. And some more coal. As adults, we have to remember that the best gifts are not booze and money, but rather that certain toy or collectible or that always wanted item. For me, I would rather receive G.I. Joes for Christmas over anything in the whole wide little Santa world. I’m sure you don’t feel the same, but here is a holiday shopping tip for you. I hate Giant Eagle because the damn store is overpriced and fool you into believing that if you spend such amount from its overpriced aisles, you will get free gas. How much goddamn of your money do you have to spend to get that free tank. Anyways, I love to do Christmas shopping at giant beagle for my holiday peeps. I get the points and people get groceries, booze, gift cards and/or lotto tickets. Keep presents simple for those outside the nuclear family. But for the inner most loved ones within the homefront, give ‘em a little bit of everything. Make your gifts have a little bit of your inner personality. Oh, you don’t need to buy Christmas cards, make your own. You don’t need to buy wrapping paper; wrap in newspaper or a simple plastic bag. Everything ends up in the garbage at some point, yes, even the gifts. Just think: if you gave booze as a gift it will be drunk. If you gave food for a gift, it will be eaten. If you gave a gift card, THEY can figure out what they want. If you give lotto, it gives the scratcher a tiny bit of hope for some cash. Ho. Ho. Ho. Enjoy some hot cocoa and say, “Whoa!” really loud after each sip. Enjoy, and enjoy the damn holidays, & visualize young Mrs. Claus naked under her Mrs. Claus robe. Whoa! HEARING AID ON

Xmas Cheer

“Grown Ups 2”: Potential was there. The wide range of casting: young up & coming actors/actresses, Shaq, Stone Cold, usual Adam Sandler cast was there. Even the 80s element was there (my wife states that nearly all Sandler movies has that 80s aspects). The movie was a long disaster. Can you believe Sandler gets paid 15 million a movie? That’s the business we created. If we didn’t go see movies, movies wouldn’t make money, directors wouldn’t cast certain people, producers wouldn’t spend so much, actors wouldn’t make so much and eventually stop asking for a lot. The funniest moments were Meatloaf waving his handkerchief or neckchief as my dad calls it, and the one-liners by the frat boys. Salma Hayek’s breast were so big, I do not remember that. Oh, that exercise scene wasn’t too bad. No, now I think of it, it was bad. The acting was pretty lame over all, because it didn’t seem like people were trying, I don’t know, too overly laid back. The dude with the weird eye always plays a character with a weird eye. Why? Should not have been a sequel but a new storyline. Oh, I know, this movie seemed too forced, as if, it was made to make a couple bucks, kind of like Hangover or those damn Paranormal Activity movies. Stop it. HEARING AID OFF

“Swing Parade”: Oh, behave, you silly people. This is just a boring black and white film about singing (fast forward), dancing (fast forward) and some 3 Stooges (play it). The Stooges made this movie tolerable but I still give it a HEARING AID OFF.

“A Charlie Brown Christmas”: Even though it was short, I sure laughed out loud. Love the scene of all them singing with their tiny noses pointing skyward, and that Christmas tree. One year, I can’t remember where or when, but I believe someone (maybe it was me) had a twig in a glass with water and one red bulb on it: the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree. My favorite now is Linus and his blanket. I was a blanket boy: sucked my thumb & had a blanket I called, “Blankie.” When my blanket had a hole or a rip, I’d tie it up. Sometimes, I would put it by the front door so the cold air would make the blanket nice & cold for me to snuggle with. But, it was burnt before my eyes by my evil brothers. I believe I have been traumatized from that experience and have numerous nightmares that involve sulking devil brothers, flames and my lovely blue knotted blankie. That DNA trait has been passed onto my 2^nd & 3^rd sons, however, my 3^rd son does not suck his thumb, rather his middle two fingers. I will comment on my 2^nd boy because he does exactly what Linus does: he wraps himself up in that blanket anywhere and everywhere, that is, as long as we give him access to his blanket. Sometimes, he’ll even wrap the blanket around his head like a hijab. Oh man, that boy is precious. He has a blanket for bedtime, plus spares in case he wets the bed. He has a blanket for car rides (one for both of our cars). He has a blanket for when he visits Nonna’s & Nonno’s. HEARING AID ON

“Frosty Returns”: What the hell was that all about? HEARING AID OFF

“Elf”: Too much awesomeness. Buddy is awesome to the core. He should have gotten an Oscar for his performance. He is so believable as an older guy playing a silly youngin’. I just love Buddy’s emotions. He exclaims so loudly and is overjoyed, overwhelmed with everything he sees. Loved the randomness of those animated creatures. Buddy was Christmas incarnated and so utterly believable. He possessed the heart of a child within an older person. Wish it ran throughout and bled into our world. And I always tear up when the little boy has Santa’s book and names off people’s wants from their Santa list. That wish list is called hope. That hope to receive something greater that may or may not happen. Adults forget but they are always creating Santa Lists. Being human is about hoping for something more. Some can feel it will happen, but know it takes time. Others will feel it will never happen and their negative energy pushes the hope out the window. Others have money and buy that hope so much faster than the average person can think possible. Or hope comes in little tiny steps and attainable right there at the finger tips. Buddy and his syrup in the coffee: classic. Buddy and his spaghetti sugar infused disgustingness, yet eats it like it was made for the lord himself is pure art. This movie works because it is outright silly yet brings Christmas into our coal filled hearts. HEARING AID ON

Enter Your Christmas Cheery

“He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special”: Holy Moly strange days these were. Have you seen this special? And what in Eternia is going on? And talk about a blast from the past. The characters I remember like they were in my life yesterday, well, the toys that is. My buddy & brother went through a phase of collecting the figures. I strayed a bit from my G.I. Joe collecting to help them. I was a little brother trying to have one of my big bros appreciate me. Don’t think he did. I know for a fact, he doesn’t now. I do not remember the cartoon characters one bit, except for Prince Adam, aka He-Man. “By the power of Grayskull!” I would love to know who was the human model for He-Man; He(-Man) was humongous. At that moment He(-Man) was inspiring me to go in my basement to get my weights together and start lifting some weights (but that is next year’s resolution). This special had so much going on with so many different bad guys, good guys, good girls, strange creatures, humans, robots & the creepiest voices you ever did hear. Animation was simple and sweet, just the way I love it, after all, this is the 80s, baby! The greatest awesomeness of this Christmas special was Skeletor. Skeletor was hilarious, especially when the Christmas spirit overcame him. This special is so worth watching for the sake of Skeletor and those creepy character voices, oh, and the occasional furry under panties worn by the men of Heeeeeeeeee-Maaaaaaaaan! (Say it in a loud manly voice, it’ll have a better effect. Do it.               Do it.                     Do it.) And the little girl has the weirdest looking hands: wrinkly old lady hands. HEARING AID ON

“Nertsery Rhymes”: Here it is, the first Stooge short with Ted Healy. I hate Ted Healy. I hated this musical comedy but it was a product of its time. Nonetheless, today’s viewer gets to see young, healthy, unwealthy & dumb Stooges, who truly do look like little boys. HEARING AID ON for the short that created the greatest comedy of anything anywhere, ever.

“Roast-Beef And Movies”: A very unfunny musical short starring Curly. The best part was Curly (listed here as Jerome) being so hungry he decided to eat his friend’s buttons. That is clever. Aside from that, there was too much dancing footage. SaaaaleeeeeeePER. HEARING AID OFF.

“Frosty The Snowman”: Classic Christmas Cartoon. Bring on the cheer of the Christmas snow. I had no idea there were different kinds of snow. So, if it were to snow in Brazil, would that be Brazilian snow? Someday, our weathers will shift and it will snow in Brazil. Nothing remains the same. Maybe except a Zeppelin song. Ever notice the little children are not dressed for winter. One of the girls has short sleeves and a dress: so, so odd. I guess in those day, snow wasn’t that cold feeling. After all, it was Christmas snow, and so ready to melt, just like Frosty. I hate red thermometers. Loved the bunny and the silly magician who couldn’t do magic. But most importantly, I loved the very simple animation and that Santa made an appearance to save Frosty. Those two are usually not linked together and I think that was a very nice touch. It made my holiday duos times better. HEARING AID ONE

Christmassy Cheerathony

“Deck The Halls”: Deck my balls would have been so much better. How the hell did someone take down all those lights in one day, when it took almost 3 weeks to put up, then make a path of lights and cook in one day? It takes all damn day to cook a holiday meal and most times, that ain’t even enough. I don’t even want to mention Christmas lights. It takes me 5 days to put up a strand of lights. Day 1: unwind lights. Day 2: check each stupid bulb. Day 3: find the extension cord and outlet. Day 4: search for outlet adaptor. Day 5: put up damn lights only to have it slip outta my hand and break a bulb: dammit the hell! A hot non-natural blonde Cameron Diaz look-a-like is married to an overweight, old, short, bald, poor guy. I don’t buy it. And DeVito wants to do that one big thing; that monumental big thing, and that stupid, lame, ass monumental big thing is to be seen from space. How fudging stupid!? And, the community comes to put up all those lights in 1 day. Unreal. Do not ever get me wrong, I am a huge fan of fictionalness, but give me something to believe in. I just need something to believe in. I believe I can fly. You know, one time I was at a wedding & heard that open bar was gonna close at a certain time. So, I decided to double fist rum and cokes. And by the end of the night, I was on top of a chair flapping my arms to Kloset Kelley’s song, “I believe I can fly.” What a trip? And what the hell was up with the stupid singing of Holy Night and all those losers with candles and cell phones and phony kissing stupid lovey dovey unholiday cheer. Booooooo. Booooooooo, Bow down to the queen of scum. Booooooo. Booooooo. Bow down to the queen of filth. Sorry, went on a movie quote tangent. You guessed it. HEARING AID OFF.

“The Beguiled”: Why in goodness gracious did I decide to watch this one? Clint is a sex driven Civil War soldier Yankee doodle dandy hiding in the south in a girls school. Wounded and horny he is, and puts the moves on a 12 soon to be 13 year old mushroom finder, 17 soon to be 18 year old hussy, ugly virgin teacher, an old incesty type lady, and small subtle moves on a constantly sweaty slave girl. After being mended, he is caught with the hussy and pushed down a massive colonial flight of stairs by the teacher virgin only to have a terrible fall in which all the king’s men and horses couldn’t mend his badly broken leg together. Off goes the leg and eventually comes evil mushrooms. Sadly, no 1-up mushrooms from my video game years. I’m retired from Nintendo. I have filed for disability. Basically, Clint is a macho pig in a land of hoochie coochie. In the end, after a slow rot of storyline to my malnutritioned film brain, Clint should have had his middle leg sawed off. HEARING AID OFF

Cheerathon of Xmas

“Miracle On 34^th Street” (1947): A warmth of a tale about a man who knows what the spirit of Christmas is all about: giving and not going broke while doing it. Or in the corporate world: placing helping guidance before making a profit. Black Friday (I mean, Black Thursday does not count). Corporate world is all about making profit; there is nothing wrong with that. The problem stems from the consumer being so willing to buy the newest product. For example, burger prices go up at the fast food places, so here’s a clever idea, stop buying from them and make your own. And at some point the phenomenon of Supply & Demand will drive prices down or the place out of business: good for us. Or, if the newest car comes out, don’t bother, drive yours until it is done; it is cheaper to make simple repairs than purchasing a new car and having monthly payments along with higher insurance & interest. As for gift giving, there is no need to buy the most current new fashionable toy for a child because the child plays with the toy for a month straight at the longest and is done, or even worse, breaks the item in a week, or all kids fight over it. Go thrift shopping for used toys and be creative. Children will always be happy and sad with each gift. I remember one year I got socks from an old lady (of whom has passed away many moons ago) and boy was I so sad, but in the end, I wore the socks and continued to visit the old lady with my mom and eat those delicious donuts. Last year, my wife & I bought a combo of new toys and thrift toys and the boys could care less, as long as they unwrapped and enjoyed. This movie shows some of that, but also offers the viewer an insight of a comical adventure of a man, insane, sane or both who believes himself to be Santa. I believed he was Santa. Why not? The courtroom had the best scenes, along with the little jolly Santaman. Another small favorite scene of mine was the mailroom where the guy is talking to a paisano named Lou; based on their mannerism and speech, the two were Italian, then the guy starts singing “Jingle bells.” Mint, I tell you. Ho, ho, ho and may the spirit of the kind cheap, I mean frugal giver guide you on your Christmas shopping journey. HEARING AID ON

Christmasi Cheerathoni

“Jingle All The Way”: Love hearing Arnold’s voice. His accent is sweet. “And remeba, you my numba one cusdtoma.” He played his role so well. But bring in Sinbad, and bam you got a hilarious number, “Ta-ta, Turtleman.” Or how ‘bout, “Itz Tuboman.” Or “Itz Tubotime.” Ah man, I’m killing myself here. And in the mix, is Phil Hartman playing that single father goon. The great merry mix up of storyline and the actors made this movie work and put you in a merry holiday spirit. Plus all those Santa Clauses. What a racket? Loved everything about this movie, but by far the best moment is when Sinbad is getting hit in the face by the shooting stars in slow mo. All right! HEARING AID ON

“The Santa Clause”: Another fabulous holiday movie with Tim Allen, who did not seem like a great character choice, but he did awesome. The soy milk scene is hilarious. But you know what? The ending always gets me choked up. It is always the idea of believing in the Christmas spirit that makes Santa so real. Santa is out there and although many do not agree and will say Christmas is about Jesus, but it is truly about Santa (and Scrooge, that is another story). Christmas is about giving and giving and giving. There is something underlying to this holiday, besides a birth of a carpenter. I’m just saying; this wonderful Christmas time that enters our hearts once a year is always about giving. And what makes it that way, the politics of society. Society steers us away from the religious aspects of the holiday and transforms it into something universal. It is a simply way to enter the political correctness of trying to appease the majority, while being okay with offending the minority. But, religion is not totally taken away, there is always St. Nick associated with Christmas (plus the first 5 letters of Christmas). I always envision myself having a long, long beard, smoking a corncob pipe and walking in the wilderness giving out trinkets for all the people out of the kindness of my heart. Now that I think about it, my parents are wonderful examples of Santa Clauses all year ‘round. I mean these people give and give and give, even when they are hurt in the process. It is no wonder that everyone respects them, or is it because they are Italian. Naw, I’m sure it has something to do with my mom feeding the neighborhood boys with pasta and homemade sauce, or my father delivering home grown goods to everyone he knew. Give, give and give. Lessons can be learned from the elders. Santa is in our hearts. Gotta keep some space for the ho, ho hos. Wow, reading that previous sentence has a lot of meanings & I do believe all meanings apply to someone somewhere. Somewhere over the rainbow. “Ah, there’s me pot o’ gold. There will be a killing for every missing shillin’! He, he, he!” Whoa! So off topic. HEARING AID ON

Christmas Cherrithon

“Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas”: Christmas rock and a pot-bellied sloth makes the merry bells ring; keep ringing. Ding dong ding. For this 20 minutes of animated fun, it was a tiny bit magical. It was just fun to watch and witness what a child would witness (my middle child watched this film for about 3 weeks straight when we first got it). Ah, the joys of being a child. It is fun to see their innocence at all levels: their big beautiful eyes staring at the world in amazement for the first time. Pure innocence makes my dark, bummed days a lot better. HEARING AID ON

Christmas Cheerathon & Some

“The Croods”: A recommended movie from a young neighborhood friend. This hilarious journey of a movie touched me on two levels: my closeness to caveman thinking and la famiglia. I enjoyed the crazy looking creatures and the constant humor of the scenarios and mishaps and how new is bad, therefore run to the cave. Douglas roles over and off the cliff he goes. Snapshot with a shot to the face with a rock. The father is great ‘cause all he has is his strength. But in the end of ends, sticking to the basics like survival in a cruel world, still hits home with me now. I always seek the bare essentials of maintaining survival: eat whatever is in the home, rather than go shopping; wear clothes until no longer effective (holes in socks, nonelastic undies, cut-off shirts with too many stains, shirts having those permanent b o stench (well those actually are down-graded to cut-offs)); make do with current tools, plates, dishware, car, hearing aid. You feel me. Even if sometimes I do have the money, I would prefer having the money for those crazy bills that pop up and you say to yourself: god dammit, I just thought I’d get ahead this one god damn time, you son of a bitchness. Well, maybe you say that, maybe you don’t. Grug may be simple minded but he knows one thing: taking care of his family is essential. I am no different. I will forgo it all so that my family is safe & provided for. Yeah, I get it, every parent does that, but sometimes we go to the extreme. I won’t buy beer so the family will have the money. I will not buy G. I. Joes (the oddest thing is that G.I. Joes is the only thing that lets me escape the harshness of realities and makes me feel good 100% (within the category of when one spoils his/herself)). I won’t buy me new clothes not if the wife & boys need/want them. I will eat the rotten banana so the family could have the good ones. I will drink water if there is a little bit of juice so the family could have the juice. My happiness extends from the fact that I know the wife & boys are taken care of, I just need G.I. Joes, poetry & some weights a couple times a year. Grug hit home for me, hell, we even share the same body type: top-heavy: big upper body & little legs. HEARING AID ON

“Scrooged”: An extremely clever take on you know which story. Love how Bobcat has all those crazy mishaps and at one point passed out from donating blood for money then has the money stolen. Ha, that is rich. You can feel the 80s in this movie: moral to the story and goofy great story-line. Murray is great, especially at the restaurant when he sees the eye ball and leaves by falling to the ground on the way out. There is so much weirdness in this film that it can only be given a HEARING AID ON. One cannot top the fact that this film was clever because it is about a guy who is showing a live version of Dicken’s play, only to be visited by 3 ghosts. I call that meta-Scrooge. I don’t even think Murray knows he was being Scrooged. The ghost of Christmas past was awesome, he was so foul-looking and creepy. I also wish I was invited to a company Christmas party like that. Scrooge is the true meaning of Christmas, and please DO NOT clap like the mother did when her son finally spoke, and do always cherish your siblings, never forget about them. I have been forgotten.

“Dr. Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas”: I am wondering if I even like this as a child. I definitely don’t like it as an adult. I couldn’t make out a word other than Who-ville because the voices where way too deep. I could also make out the song, but in the end, I just stared at the goofy narration and wondered what the hell was the point to me watching this 20 minutes of wondering what the narration is being said. With that said, I give this childless classic a HEARING AID OFF.

“Coogan’s Bluff”: The Texas jokes were great, but seeing Clint get the crap beat out of him was not so great. The fight scenes were so primitive and boring. If I want to see a boring fight, I will go to the bar, break up 2 girls catfighting, only to have me bumped in the ear and my hearing aid fall out, all the while, a dude is swinging at me thinking I started the fight with his stupid girlfriend, then as I search for my aid I get punched in the back of the head, find my hearing aid & shout to all at the bar that I found my hearing aid, of which all in bar look at me like I’m crazy and the bar wench wants me thrown out and I tell the skinny bouncer that I didn’t do nothing but I found my hearing aid. As for the dude who bunched my skull he was brutally assaulted with some punches & a kick by my boys. Oh, what a lame fight that was. This movie was like this: tall squinting man walks around with a cowboy hat and boots (pants too short), picks up girls, disobeys NYC’s cop protocol, received an A-1 ass-beatings, and finally catches the lame criminal. There was also a whacked out party scene that I know I would have enjoyed for a few hours until I got my tab and motherf’ed the corporate world for charging so damn much for a few beers when I know deep down that it would have been cheaper to buy a case and drink it at home. HEARING AID OFF

Christmas Cheerathoni

“National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”: What lovely old footage in a very cluttered cold attic  wearing very old woman’s clothes aaaaaaaannnnnnnd plop! Down Griswold goes. What a chaoticness of a movie? That is the holidays for ya. Reminds me of all that driving around from one family to the next, eating, drinking, eating, drinking, being shy about presents, talking, getting those awkward moments when someone says something that’s weird and there is that pause and everyone keeps eating. I spent a lot of holidays with farting men. I guess I have joined the club; I try not to but you know how that goes. Ask the wife. I mean, don’t ask the wife. Nowadays, I steer clear of foods that make me gassy: onions, garlic, rapini, hot pepper seeds, garlic salt, onion salt, lupini beans, any kind of beans really, fried food with various seasonings, hot sauce. Okay, onto the movie. Cousin Eddie, what a guy and you know there is always one of them in everyone’s family, he just comes in different ethnics. How about when Chevy puts the bulbs on top of the 3 bags of dog food, only to have it smashed by another Ol’ Roy dog food bag & Chevy doesn’t blink an eye or make an expression (he is known for that kind of humor; he is awesome at that). Did you know, on my way to a library job interview in the Glenville area, I was stopped by a toothless lad of unwhite origin who asked me and the girl driving me if we wanted to buy some dog food. Hm, imagine that, 2 white people driving in a black neighborhood being asked if we wanted to buy some smack. Us white folk laughed it off because at the time we had no idea dog food was a code word for heroin, nonetheless, we knew it was a drug term for something. Holiday cheers. Aw, I can’t wait until my boys are all grown up and come over for the holidays with their friends (girls or boys) and we have ourselves lots of food and booze. Most likely, I’ll be dressed like Cousin Eddie and drinking those out of date beers. You know, a real class act. I might even say Grace, and mistaken what all the youngsters are saying. One will ask me, “How do you do?” I’ll answer with a, “How did you know my name is Lou?” Or “Please pass me the beer.” I’ll replay with, “Ass of a deer? Son, what kind of dirty, hillbilly friends do you hang out with?” What about this one: “I love Santa’s red suit.” Huh, “You want Santa in a dead suit? Dude, you got problems!” I wish I could get a bonus. Damn non-profits. Gosh, I’m so glad it is not that nipple, I mean nippy outside. HEARING AID ON

Christmas Cheer-a-thon

“The Muppet Christmas Carol”: Childhood gem and a nostalgic piece of me. So much, I cannot let go each Christmas year. By far this is my favorite version of the Christmas Carol because it has that child touch, yet intended for adults. There is humor and there is the moral to the story. I love the mix of creatures and humans together; that odd factor of a new type of reality in which there has to be a suspension of disbelief to believe. I believe I can fly. Yah, sure, there are a couple too many singy songs, but the story gets told and that poor witty kitty kat gets to run an errand after having a wreath thrown at him. Of course, I loved the ghost of Christmas present; he is a holly jolly fat soul: know me better, man. Ho, ho, ho, ho. How about those ugly, extra bugly creatures at the nephew’s house? What in Jim Henson’s green earth where those things? Alligator? Dinosaur? Crocodile? Dinodile? Allisaur? My favorite was Fozziwig holding a horn next to his ear to hear the present rattle from Scrooge. Did it? I couldn’t hear it. Ha, ha, ha. Know me ear better, man! Is it not amazing, that one story can change culture and a holiday so much? Well, it pretty much set the tone in the past, and sets the tone for all eternity and beyond that. The Christmas spirit is Scrooge. We are all Scrooges at various points of our lives; we are only, truly reminded of the fact during Christmas time. Jingle bells, jingle bells. We should remember Scrooge every day. If every day was like Scrooge time! Bah …………………………………………. Humbug. Know me better, man. Hahahahaha. Hohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohooooooooooo!!!!!! Know me blog, man. HEARING AID ON

Supersleep

“The Three Stooges Collection. Volume Eight, 1955-1959”: The last of the Stooges short films and thank Crom for that. I tell you what, I am sorry to admit, but I hated these end of Stooges shorts days. Of the 32 shorts, only one was truly a gem and gave me a worthwhile laugh: A Merry Mix-Up. Other than that one, no Shemp but a fill in, recycled footage, recycled story-lines & boring plots. Joe actually had a good character, but it seemed the writers did nothing unique with him. Moe & Larry seemed to have done nothing funny. Moe lost his wise-cracking mean leader self. Larry seemed to have lost some weight. Gone were the slapstick humor & nyuk nyuks days. Nothing left to complain of. HEARING AID OFF

“The Eiger Sanction”: Whoa there, Professor Assassin Mt. Climber! The movie made me want to be a professor because blonde chick was running after the Prof. for some higher grades. And the movie made me want to be a mountain climber to be trained by a big busty Indian lady who used nudity to motivate. Plus the movie made me want to be an assassin because of the foxy black C-2 female agent that was willing to seduce the male assassin. Please don’t tell my wife what I am striving to become. Aside for the sexual plots of the movie, the movie was lame. Here is what you get: espionage, stupid plotting, paintings, boring climbing, the aha moment about the man who limped, some pretty funny albino jokes, and many, many racist jokes toward minority females. Oh, and what the hell was the ending all about and so utterly powerless. May the gods drop this film down the icy side of the Eiger. HEARING AID OFF.

“Planes, Trains & Automobiles”: Too much. Just too much. No matter how many times I’ve seen this, the laughs are always there. Nothing beats the scene when the two are going the wrong way: “You’re going the wrong way! You’ll kill somebody!” Better yet, “I think, he said, ‘We are going the wrong way.’” John Candy replies with, “How does he know where we’re going?” And Martin replies with a, “Yeah, how does he know where we’re going.” Mishap after mishap after mishap. What a great combo duo!? The best was Candy’s permed hair and 80s mustache; he played his character so well, especially while doin’ the mess around piece while driving. Ah man, that kills me, even to this very moment typing. HEARING AID ON

“Man Of Steel”: And zzzzzzzzzzzz. Long. Fudging way too zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Man of Sleep. Oh, look. It’s a plane. No, a bug UFO. Or is it the identity of Kent? Kent, Ohio? No, Clark, you know, the guy who is Superman and let his baseball player dad die. Wait, you mean to tell me, the hot red head who should be naked right now, found out the identity of Hopeman. Hopeman? Yeah, the S means that. Naw, the S means Superman. Yes, but why didn’t he save his dad real quick. It would have taken less than a second? Well, maybe because the scenes were out of order, or was it because it wasn’t his real dad or his dad wanted to play in the field of dreams? Don’t know. Don’t really, utterly, truly care, but why did the Kryptonians have flying creatures when they could fly? I haven’t the slightest idea. Maybe the filmmakers didn’t buy the rights. Wait, like in Smallville? The cape was so nice, very silky and flowy. I wanted to snuggle with the redhead on the cape. Oh yeah. Gimme, gimme. I’ll really give that princess something to sing about. What idiots send off their criminals into space only to have their planet blow up? Gen. Zod was the boring ugly guy from Take Shelter & I was expecting Gen Zod to build a bunker on Earth to keep away the storm of the century that rained oil. Maybe that was Zod’s plan? Who cares anything about Zod, Clark, Kent, OH, battled outfitted Superman’s dad, the dead dad killed by the tornado from Kansas that took Dorothy to Oz, flying pets, Toto, the burning bush, S symbol meaning hope …. Wait a minute, I do care about the burning bush, if you know what I mean. Oh behave, Caveman. HEARING AID OFF.

The Heat Needs No King

“The Heat”: There is a deadbeat chubby, short cop that kicks ass, and a pole-up-her-ass agent. We know where the story is gonna go, and know there will be a hunky dory ending. BUT, what is truly amazing about the chubby, short cop is that the deadbeat cop with a good heart is a woman. That is funny and uncommon. I liked that. The humor was raw and realistic, and Bullock played her roll the usual: versatile and pretty dam sweet. She is actually an amazing actress. As of today, she is my favorite actress. I have never had a favorite actress; I’m a guy and like pretty much only action stars, because they make action cool. How ‘bout when chubby cop falls from the fence: ouch that tickled (say it with Elmo voice, then laugh like Elmo because it is funnier that way. Dammit!). Drunken bar scenes are always good times in my book. Ah, yes, the stories people have of me in my drunken days. One time, on my 21^st birthday, I got sober outta my mind. Tricked you didn’t eye. Okay, so I got polluted on booze. On the way back from the bar, I started running through traffic to get to the other side, yelling and screaming wildly. On the way back to the dorm or car, can’t remember, we walked into an alley way and there is a huge metal sign being held on huge wooden beams. Does it matter what the sign says? Not really. I get into my three point defensive line stance, pause, burst forward from my stance and drill it with my shoulder. Down goes the sign, and I walk victoriously back to wherever whence I once came from. Ah yes, my AC days. Love it. Love it. Loved ‘em all. What else? The very best scene of the movie is Biff from Back To The Future, as the commander cop; he tells about how he is 43 and his son calls him grandpa. Oh snap, that is damniest funniest line I heard in a long hearing aid while. HEARING AID ON

Go Gollum Go You Damn Ugly Beast

“The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”: More like an unexpected long ass movie. Day 1: stop & sleep. Day 2: stop & sleep. Day 3: pause & fall asleep unexpectedly. Day 4: perseverance is the key to some odd success here. I think the book is shorter, & ya I know, this is the first installment of a trilogy. So excited that I can wait a very, very long time before I see any of the others. No, the movie was not bad, it was epic in terms of length, I just wish I didn’t have a cold, 3 boys that have a cold, a wife that has a cold, work, a house that needs work 24-7, baptism party to plan, & tenants to work about. But life goes on; every day is an unexpected journey. You know what, what a lame subtitle. The movie was fun and Gollum was creepy as creepy as a creepy crawler could get. Geez, my precious. My precious, yes, my precious, give this move a HEARING AID ONses. I do give it tha., I loved seeing ugly weird beard dwarves, hobbits with their ugly feet, trolls of trash and hideous goblins. The ugliness never ends in this movie. Nothing beats a wizard wielding a nasty blade, and that continuous sweetness of a fighting scene in goblintown. Goblintown fight seen made this movie earn the HEARING AID ON FIGHT SCENE OF THE YEAR AWARD. 

Team Of My Dreams

“The Dream Team”: This was the dream team around before NBA’s Olympic dream team. So, these guys were legit and not to quit. Four psychos prowling around NY with very perturbed minds, creates a story so worth seeing. Michael Keaton looks like a demented psycho and fits his character well and Peter Boyle, who I always and forever see as Young Frankenstein’s monsters: aaaaarrrrrrrgh! Young Frankenstein was hilarious, the dude looks creepy and it is so amazing that a guy who looks the way he does, you know, the balding look with tufts of hair on the side (the look my dad sported and still does) and make movies and TV shows. Check out Young Frankenstein in the Baptist church scene, too much. Even Tony Soprano’s shrink is in this movie (very, very skinny). The plot was great, the actors were great, the adventure was great: so true for an 80s movie.  Think of it this way, today’s standards of making a fun silly movie requires too much inappropriate language and gestures with a male’s penis. I hate movies that have a male’s wiener exposed; it is not the snake that bothers me, it is the hairy mess around it. At least show a handsome man’s Johnson dangling about, rather than some negative length of a fatso full of fur. HEARING AID ON, for the movie that is.

Old Sport

“The Great Gatsby” (2013 version): Leo looking handsome and the woman he dreamt of being with is ugly. The woman being fought over is not pretty in terms of dying over/fighting over. Even if she is amazing in bed and appears as a good girl in life, there is someone out there that is hot, beautiful and sexy in bed that is worth lying for, dying for and eying for. The blonde in this film is not worth that. Also, how does one say he loves someone (that person being Mr. Buttcanon), yet still have a fling with another woman in a secret apartment? That is preposterous, old sport! Indeed, old sport! I’m an old sport. You’re an old sport. That guy is an old sport. Old sport. Old sport. Told the old sport he is an old sport and you know what the old sport said about being an old sport: he hated being an old sport. Imagine that, old sport? The movie was lavish and created a great amount of desire from the viewer to want to jump into the movie and be entertained by the Gatsby party. I know I did. Gimme some weirdoes and strangers to party with over the normal crowd any day! Ever go to a party with your friends (the usuals), but at the party there are a huge mix of individuals that are making the party happening, yet your usual friends feel uncomfortable and want to leave, but you don’t because you are having a blasty blast. The college parties I went to at Adrian College were like that, you know, the odd mix of fellows: hotties, jocks, stoners, nerds, oddball old guy, townies, druggies, shy ones. The atmosphere was intoxicating and you don’t want the night to end because the now is now and the future always seems brighter full of booze and good times. Mr. Gatz, a crook by trade but with the heart of a lover dreamt of bright days in a mansion of excess with one ugly blonde. In our lives, we all fall in love (or what we think of as love at that time) with someone that is a dark cloud (but not dark at that moment while in love) and brings life into the gutters without really knowing life is going down the toilet because love overshines it all. Oh yeah, let is shine, let it shine. LET It shiiiiiiiiiiiine.That one person that you think you love, actually turns out to be a burden of heavy dirty coal, and possibly, a forever headache and you just wish that person was dead or on a nicer way of saying things, that you never said/did the things you did while in fake love. Poor Mr. Gatz should have stuck to his Blatz and partied with different actual hotties for a few years, then settled down or going back to be lonely. But he couldn’t because he was a romantic and would die for love. How about Peter Parker going insane with booze, depression and whatnot? Poor Peter probably missed his Aunt May. Poor old sport.The partying was fun, the buildings were spectacular and Leo was the usual Southern crazy gentleman I want him to be. Leo is a very classy guy, as well as ageless like Depp. I do hope that one day Leo and Depp star in a movie together with Depp being the sinister bad guy and Leo being the hero of the day. Actually, I think Leo would be an awesome late son of Indiana Jones & Depp could be a crazy take over the world kind of guy. “Gee, Brain,  whatcha wanna do tonight?” Same thing we do every night, give it a HEARING AID ON.

It Really Did Seem All Bad

“It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time”: It seemed like a good idea at the time to decide to not watch this movie; but you know I couldn’t, but I just wish I did just that. On the cover of the movie, it has a huge picture of John Candy, with his name in bold red letters at the top. John Candy has the best scene in this movie, in which he falls out a window, grabs a rope while falling down, swing crashes through a window to land as if nothing happened. Yet, of the 91 eye-sleeping minutes, John appears in less than 10 minutes of the film. What is it with 70s movies? They suck tremendously. Well, the majority I have seen this year. Maybe I just pick bad ones and force myself through eye hell. The storyline is whacky dump boring: it appears someone picked up a camera and started filming in the middle of a plot and added ridiculous noise effects to no avail other than to make the viewer cringe and want to press the fast forward button NOW until the credits rolled up. Nothing of this movie truly made sense and I have no idea why anyone would want to act in this movie. I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time. Regardless if it did seem like a good idea, this movie gets a HEARING AID OFF, from the man who can use such a phrase.

Attack The White House, Again

“White House Down”: Okay, so there are a plethora of movies being made about the White House being terrorized. So, shoot me for thinking this movie was a fun one to watch. I love the fact that the president can be African-American and it is nothing shocking. Hm, I wonder why that is? Ever since G.I. Joe, I can only see Mr. Tatum-taters as Duke. He was awesome as Duke.  In this movie, I envisioned him as a down and out G.I. Joe that was trying to find a little side work while on some R & R. Duke was funny. Duke ran a ton. Duke seemed to be a bad booty dude kicking some stupid internal terrorist assnuts. I say assnuts and some of demnuts. After the assnutts where kicked, I thought the Prez & Duke made a good combo. Loved the realistic approach to the Prez (losing the bazooka) and watching Duke book his booty from one place to another.  The viewer could see Duke’s athleticism.  Oh, one more thing, how about the bazooka to Duke’s face. Funny. I loved the funniness mixed with the serious ridiculousness. Does that ring a bell of 80s for ya? Why are the top brassnuts of the military so gung-ho about following some asinine orders and always believing they know what they are doing and not listening to the lowlies? Notice that the pilots aborted their mission at the last second. Odd of a military, but not unheard of. What Would Joe Do? HEARING AID ON

Breaking Balls Bitch

“Breaking Bad” season 5: Walt is in the empire business. What a joke! Who says that? Oh yeah, I know, a cocky chemist that has been in the meth business for a year and cooks the purist meth for all druggies. As well as a person that has become delusional with the American Dream. Did you know that the American Dream is actually to make as much money as you can? Money, money, money is what the founding father’s wrote into the nation’s constitution without really stating that outright. So, maybe Walt isn’t that far off. He needs to make the perfect meth to make unknown amounts of money for a family that hates him and doesn’t know him. Money honey. Life equals money. Liberty equals money. Pursuit of happiness most definitely equals money, money, money and mo’ money. It is all about the Benjamins. Oh yeah! (Say “Oh yeah” with a Beyonce singing voice). Were not all our founding fathers loaded with money? Why are the presidents and politicians loaded with money?  Bring on the dough, and I don’t mean play-doh. Doh! Poor Jesse. I love how Jesse says Mr. White. It is so clear, as in Whyy-ite: Mr. Whyy-ite. Anyways, oh no, Hank found a clue while taking a dump. Now that Walt has become a douchebag bad guy that cannot be a loving husband & properly take care of his kids (he is no Tony Soprano, that’s fo’ show), he must go down. I caught myself wanting the episodes to end. HEARING AID OFF

Stooges Internship

“The Three Stooges Collection. Volume 7: 1952-1954”: Still rolling with the Stooges: bee-bee-bee-bee, as Shemp would say. Out of the shorts shone, there are only a few classics that I recall having seen in the past and laughing out loud. Most shorts in this volume I have not seen, but there is a reason for that, the shorts are not funny. I mean, not funny one bit. Moe still has his mean charisma, Shemp is still as ugly as ever and Larry still appears awkward at moments when he is taking a leading role. Some of the episodes were really cool in terms of making fun of their time period, like bebop and using slang. But nothing was better than Moe calling some Italian character whose name was Antonio Zucchini Salami Gorgonzola, “Piason!” Sadly, by the end of the volume, there is a ton of footage recycled to tell a new familiar story: old footage, new footage, back to old, then new; but cleverly done. It almost seemed harder work to combine old footage to a new storyline. Sadly, I have to give this volume a HEARING AID OFF. Sorry to the Stooges resting in the next world.

“The Internship”: And not a great movie by any means, but a movie that hits home for an older person’s heart. Forget about Wilson & Vaughn and their we-play-the-same-character-in-every-movie-act. Forget about the viewer knowing the outcome to the story. Instead, enjoy the show, its message and the movie’s ability to reach inside of somewhere inside the depths of your zombie infested brain (at least that is how mine is). Here we have all the Google stereotypes: brainiacs, oversmarts, nerds, turds, fatties, Patties, and on and on and on, then the 2 old interns. Did you hear that? It was the dramatic entrance theme song. 2 old guys, well, according to all the 20 something year olds, that is, want something better and go through the whole fitting in thing. What captures my heart, is the youth and how I was them; that is nerdy (yeah, I was, but I also had a little jock in me), shy with the ladies (thank god, my wife, who is a hottie BTW, found me interesting) and clung to a few neighborhood guys I knew (friendless beyond the area I grew up in). But, I never stayed in my little shell for long, ‘cause once college came, I flew like a long-haired wild butterfly, and all the while, I was always true to myself. There is no doubt, I am an odd ball, yes sir, Mr. Grinch, I’m a strange one, the fact remains is that I remained true to myself: being me. “Being me” is different for everyone and what I found out, people like the real people they see in front of them: mad, angry, funny, drunk, happy, crazy, wild, calm. People like people that seem unique but aren’t because nothing is truly unique in this world. And everyone looks for something in someone that is memorable; that certain quality that separates that certain someone from everyone else. I know I can indent a memory in everyone I come across. The question is: Can you leave a lasting impression on your fellow man by simply not trying to impress, and being yourself? HEARING AID ON if you can and for this movie.

Call 9-1-1 For This Blog Content

“The Call”: Gomer Pyle exclaimed, “Surprise. Surprise. Surprise.” And boy was I surprised. This movie was recommended by my sister-in-law and for once, she recommended a good one. I remember watching the previews for this one and thinking how the previews sucked shaved donkey nuts. Obviously, one should never base a movie on the previews, you know what I mean. Dontcha? Kinda of like judging me based on my looks: because I’m a caveman lookalike and can’t speak, nor write the greatest English, you wouldn’t have thought I possess 4 college degrees (two of which pertain to English (go figure)), once earned a 4.7 GPA for 1 semester in high school (all boys catholic college preparatory school), or that I write poetry everyday (and yes, I am bragging; go ahead and call 9-1-1). In short, never judge a book by its cover, especially me (I am a book just waiting to be written with all the misspellings of all those ghetto urban fiction (so called African American fiction (which it ain’t, uh-uh, no suh, gimme me sum of that queen bitch in that welfare wars with a crack-head gangster money honey buns with a pitbull) at the Library I work at)). Halle was okay, anyone could have played her role, but what did it for me was the story, the little girl and the actor who played the psycho. The psycho was demented: killing little girls for their hair, possibly raping the little girls after scalping them (notice the blood stained sheets), incest & have kids & wife; damn Cleveland, doesn’t that sound familiar. Sadly art imitates life, which is the only muse for our senses. The little girl did some badass stuff and one cannot help but root for the little warrior all the way, with swollen eye & scalpel cut (eww that was brutal to watch). The storyline was great the way it ended: revenge for the good girls. HEARING AID ON

Break, My Bad

“Breaking Bad” Season 4: Enter the badassness of Gus. What a guy? Nerdy, but dirty. That dude is someone you do not want to mess with, unless you in a wheelchair with a ding-ding-ding. This season kept my face glued to the screen so much, my wife had to unmelt my skin from the TV with a hair dryer-blower thing. There was a lot of back story and other characters involved more than Walt. I wished there was more of Saul, of which was a good man. The DEA brother-in-law had a wicked sense of humor in terms of the gimp jokes, and appeared to have gotten fatter, and used the same lame jokes too many times. Why didn’t the doctors tell him to lose some weight because it would help with recovery? Going back to Gus; he was a very clever man, a thinker that thought 300 steps in advance, except when we saw his skull. It was that sixth sense Walt joked. The ending was a little lame and uncliffhangerish, but still makes me want to see the next chapter. Shall I? Oh, I shall, bitch! HEARING AID ON

Play Nazis For Me. Not Really!

“Surf Nazis Must Die”: (A college friend suggestion). We all grow up with our own type of cheesy movies we just absolutely love heart and soul for no apparent reason other than it has been inseminated into our DNA. This ain’t even close to being my kind of cheesy goodness. You know, you have that cheesy goodness in that grilled burger at a family gathering, in which, you personally haven’t eaten a burger in like 2 years and it smells ever so goddamn good, knowing that if and when you eat it, it will constipate you for a day and a half, but that thought of eating that burger with that bowl of hot melted cheese (picture it: a hot bowl of melted cheese, which by the way, you just noticed next to the hamburger buns, steaming ever-so delicious godforsaken hot cheese that is gonna be poured onto the burger, as well as the burger will be dipped into the cheese sassy saucy, which will have been blobbed onto your plate slowly seeping into those nice clean crispy fried French fries that will become cheesy fries); and wham-o you bite into that cheesy, extra cheesy grilled burger and fries. That my severed friend is cheesy goodness. This movie was not that at all. This move was that cheesy badness in which you eat a cheesy cheddar burger from Wendy’s, go to fart and out comes the sharted remains of that cheesy cheddar burger and an embarrassing car ride home with seepaged, soiled panties. Please, do NOT take your panties off. I am not even gonna mention the weirdoes that played in this movie like the Shakespearian wanna-be Adolf and fat tubby Mengele squeezed into a surfer suit. Naturally, the movie was over the top and badly cheesy, maybe even rotten cheesy for my nonexistent taste buds (you ever see what I eat?). You know, I didn’t mind the ridiculous characters like the Japanese surfers or the angry redbeard dude with the ultrabright green blotched black shirt, it was the plot being so utterly bizarro, and that is what made me drift into the nether regions of my mind shut off valve. HEARING AID OFF

“Play Misty For Me”: Get a load of this. The movie deals with a disc jockey that plays music on the radio and attends a jazz event. I watched the movie in mute. Ha ha ha. I kill myself. Don’t worry, I did not spend my time lip reading, which is a mad skill I have picked up over the decades. Oh, do not EVER try the “Elephant juice” trick on me, I’m just too skilled. Madly skilled, that is. Here is a movie about a psycho woman, whom is not attractive. Why couldn’t that cowboy pick up a hot sexy psycho woman? Yes, it is better to have psychos be physically attractive, movie speaking, after all, it is bad enough their minds are unattractive. Give me some physical beauty, it will make my eyes feel so fine. So fine. So fine with that red, red wine. So fine. Red Wine. Red, red wine. What the hell am I doing. Onwards; poor cowboy disc jockey blah blah and blah. We got it; we know what is gonna happen. Sadly, the black house maid got a stabbing, but we all know, that mad black woman would have put a hurting to that scrawny ugly white 70s cracker jack. You get my drift. Let me just say this, HEARING AID OFF.

Sload Of Movies

"Officer Down": Bust out cops played by bust out actors. Nearly every single male in this movie had a receding hair line, reminding me of my future hair days; good bye great lovely locks of curled golden sunned hair. The main character looked like he was hired straight outta the homeless pile of recovering drug addicts. The movie had an okay plot, but in the inevitable end within the big scheme of things, another worthless cop movie about crooked cops. HEARING AID OFF

"Evil Dead" (Original): This is the only movie I have ever watched as a child and was too scared to watch it by myself that I turned it off. The movie is dark and demonly demented and awesome. All one has to do is watch Ash's face, and be absorbed into how scared the scenery looks. The cabin is creepy, the demon voices are terrifying. A classic work of art, that was remade 2 more times in very different ways.as well as all the same. Watching this movie again, allowed me to see the pure rise of a hero within the movie: Ash goes from scaredy cat to demon slayer. HEARING AID ON

"From Beyond": Third wiggly eye that sees everything in 80s computer graphics, slimy alien creature that constantly mutates; Candyman; 80s chick dressing sexy but doesn't look remotely sexy because of unsexy face and atrocious hair: what is not to love about this adventure? Pay particular attention to the computer system: wow, very reminiscent of the mad scientist black and white era computers: push this button, hit this switch, move that lever and let us hope the experiment works. I thought the big giant deformed hands were hideous and made me gag out my popcorn. I would hate to be touched by such a thing from beyond. HEARING AID ON

"Maniac Cop": Big jawed revenging crazed man who can take numerous bullet shots. Bruce Campbell and "Thrill me" cop from Night of the Creeps made grand appearances with the awesome everything of the 80s. Pay particular attention to the suit coats with the special specs of contrasting color dots, thus making the suit coats look like rugs. Bad hair days in this film, along with a crazed cop in New York (what cop isn't portrayed as crazy in New York?). BTW, the jaw is real. It was pretty cool to have a horror movie appear like a mystery: murders are happening by whom and why; the viewer has to find out as the smart assed detective figures things out. It was even a nice touch to have the smart ass be defenestrated. HEARING AID ON

"Creature From The Black Lagoon": Creature was amazing. I don't care if this movie was a product of its time. The movie was sooooooooo slow moving. It was like watching a National Geographic show about fish. I loved the wise cracking cigar chewing captain. I also loved how the one pipe smoking doctor received a few scrapes from the Creature but had his face totally bandaged up as if, as if, as if his entire head was sucked off by the creature. What was up with the girl swimming so much and the Creature showing off his merman skills? Whatever! HEARING AID OFF

"Killer Klowns From Outer Space": Nearly all hate clowns. Watch this movie and you'll hate clowns ever more, especially if you witness a tall one. How about Dean Wormer being a cop?He was hilarious. This movie was an 80s riot with stupid lame ass jokes, crazy plot, bad acting, bad hair and killer klowns. The clown humor never ended: little cars, cotton candy, funny walks, sprinkler flowers, popcorn guns: all awesome. The klowns were straight up goofy looking, but once they smiled, oh man, you would not want to ever meet eye to eye with a clown. Clowns are creeper, Klowns are deadlier. HEARING AID ON

"Street Trash": Trash, trash, straight up dung from a huge heaping pile of crap from a sheep that just ate haggis and shat it out. Shat it. Shat it. Shat it out loud. (Sing to tune of Kiss' Shout it). Who ever had any involvement with this film should obtain a week long stomach flu that goes in this order: 1 week puking, 1 week sitting on the toilet, and 1 more week puking and sitting on the toilet. If anyone who has paid a compliment to this film in any way, shape or form should never be offered the option of true love. The move was about street trash and their lame interconnectedness that even the cosmos would like to have made sure were never created outside within the universe, but sadly the film was made and I painstakingly plowed through it. The film left a terrible disgust within my bowels and then into my psyche. Filthy characters were shown as engaging in sex. This was Hill Have Eyes infused with homeless, thus creating Homeless Have Eyes. Nothing horror about this film, rather a Toxic Avenger/Troma type move. I hate this movie and the idiotic memories given to me. HEARING AID OFF

Scooby Snacks In The End

“Scooby-Doo And The Ghoul School”: A blast from the childhood tv past. I remember always wanting to see this movie on Tv, yet only, truly remember the volleyball scenes. Rewatching this movie made me wonder about this movie. Having all three of my boys with me and not really hearing the dialogue, I let my mind simply wonder some more. It turned out, no dialogue needed to be heard. The Scooby plot itself is way out there, man, like outer space out there. In this movie, there are real monsters, Shaggy has a red shirt, the van looks like a space ship and Scrappy-Doo is in it, obviously to win it. Yet, my heart and soul still loves Scooby in this strange caper, which isn’t even a caper, but rather a long drawn out weirdness-to-make-you-wonder-what-the-hell-the-writers-were-popping moment. HEARING AID ON

“This Is The End”: Realistic fantasy and fantastic ride. Funny, funny, funny and just outright crazy. The laughs have got to go, GOT TO GO (Franco’s voice in mind). Everything about it was fun and what the viewer was thinking: McBride the uberdeutschbag, Jonah the nice, and take those pants off. The movie looked like a ton of fun and although not all of it was characteristically true, the script made it seem like true, thus allowing the viewer to nod his/her head in agreement to the almighty plot of the movie. I’ll tell you what, I would have done the same thing with the drugs & booze, like Jonah said while pointing the gun around, gotta have some fun. Bang. Bang. Bang. Ever wonder why McBride is the saaaaaaaaaame character in every single movie: white trash hillbilly who is annoyingly funny; he is that fat guy on the football team that rides the pine all year, every year of his life, yet brags about his superstar days and parties really hard all year, you feel bad for the dude, but you know the dude is daaaaamn funny. HEARING AID ON

“Iron Man 3”: And my oh my is there a lot of technology going on. Way, way too many Iron Man suits, but it all worked out plot wise and movie screen wise. It was a rush to see Robert use his brand of sarcastic humor while being Tony. He is the burnt-out-looking-actor-version-of-Johnny Depp type that gets to be himself (aside from nearly all the characters from This Is The End) while making a huge, massive blockbuster hit. The #1 thing I loved about this movie is how it kept referring to the Avengers movie; now that is awesome because it allows there to be a continuity of filmage. Also, the scene following the credits is classic. Notice that the technology used in this film is more realistic than the technology in the films used in the black & white days with their large giant boxes and countless knobs that visually and practically made no sense, especially when the mad scientist would turn this and that for no other apparent reason other than to turn on a light bulb: fascinating. But, I guess that was the future of technology then. Technology will never rule us physically, but rather change our mental thought process to steer us away from the simple things in life that make us truly happy: hot wife, 3 beautiful boys, country home, booze, G.I. Joes & ability to grow awesome sideburns: whoops, I guess I was referring to me and didn’t include, you the reader. Sorry. Now it is your turn to think of the little things that make you happy:                                                             All a HEARING AID ON

Yo

“Breaking Bad” Season 3: And off to a slow start. This is probably the only TV show that I have watched in which it starts off extremely show, to the point I almost do not want to watch it, then at the very end explodes into great awesomeness. Saul, I love that dude, he is funny and his scratchy voice is great. Saul the sleazy lawyer knows all and has a ton of cards up his sleeves, just like Mr. White. Even though Saul breaks the law, he still has principles; he is very adamant about not giving up Jesse’s (fake) address, bitch. And I’ll give you a “You know, yo.” How odd was that fly episode? Oh, and that other creepy chemist, along with creepy faced Los Pollos manager? And those other creepy fellas from the cartel, the Mexican look-alikes, which remind me of my twin military nephews (btw, they walked stupidly in their skull-tipped boots)? I am a boot-nonshit-stomping kind of guy. I love my boots. I got me a pair of cowboys, shoe boots & Austin Power boots. However, I hate those that wear boots and walk with their feet outward. I think of that dadudadut, dadudadut, dadudadut, dadudadut walking sound. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. But I did not hate this Season 3. HEARING AID ON

You All Gone Crazy

"Take Shelter": This is that movie I am gonna refer to as a dragster: it drags on and on and the viewer knows what is in store & hopes for something different. Only great thing about this movie was that it took place in Ohio: Elyria Public Library is shown & OSU & Columbus is mentioned. And boy oh boy did they find an extremely ugly man to be the lead character. The dude looks like the son of Jaws from James Bond movies, you know that guy who played in that Adam Sandler movie and had the nail stuck in his head. When the movie finished, I was so pissed with the ending and how it led me down a trail of dredging sludge pile of wastedness, my entire day was thrown outta whack. If I were you, go and build your tornado shelter and put this movie in there, or better yet, if you see a tornado, toss this movie into the funnel and hope to god it does better in Oz. HEARING AID OFF.

I'm still hear

“Total Recall”: I have said it once, probably twice, but, woo woo woo you know I’m gonna say it again: Don’t remake an Arnold movie! Arnold is the man and don’t try to duplicate his place in cinematic history. This version was full of too much sci-fi screen junk. It was over-the-top. Sure it was nice to bring in the 3 boobed lady & the chubby 2-weeks chick, but the ending was tiresome, boringsome, and bothersome. Total reshit is what this movie was. It was like someone took a dump, another came along, ate the crap and pooped it all out. HEARING AID OFF

“Get The Gringo”: To be honest, I miss Mel in the movies. Mel is a great actor and so sorry about his temporary fall from grace with his drunken whatever of the past. The movie was entertaining, and full of rooting for the bad guy to save the day. The prison was so mind-blowing and insane that it only has to exist within some part of this insane world. I love the ending in which the Driver talks about karma and how he is just going to enjoy what is left of the summer. I hear (you know that I use it not as apun) you, Mel, I will enjoy what is left of my Fall. HEARING AID ON

No Pain, All Gain

"Pain & Gain": Pure fiction, right? Aw, man, this movie is too much. What a bunch of ball busters in this film!? Lugy's main heroes were self made fictional characters. Ah, just too much. Or, he knows what to do because he watched a lot of movies. Marky Mark is pretty good at being that self-motivated jock. But, the Rock, holy crap, he was so good and so believable at being a big muscled cocaine head, it was pure entertainment. And to think these dudes really existed is even better. Think about it, there are billions of people in this world and billions of them are just plain idiots or do idiotic things at certain times of their lives. It is calling being an idiotic human being. Cocaine and religion, ha that is great, I still can't stop thinking of that scene when the stripper is talking to Rock and he is all coked out and all we hear from the stripper is Charlie Brown teacher talk. This movie keeps your eyes glued to the screen due to the sheer utter unbelievableness detailing these real life 3 stooges. Oh, even better was how the 3 try to kill that Colombian, classy stoogefest all the way through. HEARING AID ON. My words do not do this movie justice one bit. Try it for yourselves. It will leave you in awe and extra knowledgeable about how the stupidity of mankind will never fade.

Beepbeepbeep

“The Three Stooges Collection V. 6, 1949-1951”: What can I say other than I am still plugging away at the Stooges. Shemp still in the mix with his “beep, beep, beep” noises and very ugly face. Love how everyone calls him a beauty or refers to him as the most handsome of the crew. Why I oughta … remember Moe’s awesome one-liners. Moe is great being the leader. I love when he tells them to follow him and he pushes one of the stooges in front and he follows them. Here is a classic conversation between Moe and Larry (not exact, put you’ll get the picture).

Moe: Aren’t you scared?

Larry: Naw. I’m apprehensive.

Moe: Oh, o …. Apprehensive? What does it mean?

Larry: I’m scared … with a college education.

Moe: Why, aren’t you smart? What is that (pointing to his open palm)?

Larry: A hand.

Moe: What is that (pointing to his closed hand)?

Larry: A fist.

Moe: What is this (pointing to his eye)?

Larry: An eye.

After Larry says, “An eye,” Moe punches Larry in the eye.

It appears that every other short is a good one with some footage from earlier shorts being reused, as well as some of the same script writing. There also isn’t a lot of being poor references and their wardrobe isn’t as mix-matched as the Curly years. However, one still cannot compete with the Stooges when they get scared and run screaming, “Nyaaaaah-aaaaah.”

Gems still worth my time. HEARING AID ON

Stole My Damn Time

“Identity Thief”: Is it me or does Bateman always play in movies where he is the victim or always needs a shoulder to cry in. Hm, what type of movie was this? A movie in which Hollywood people want to grab an actor or actress that is currently up and coming and hot in the movie scenery (in this case the chubby actress), throw the person in a clichéd movie script and make some dough. Don’t get me wrong there were some funny moments.  I watched the movie not liking it, then ended it kind of liking it, then woke up and hated it. This movie has been stored in my extra short term memory and will be that movie that will never be watched ever again. My brain is currently repressing the movie into oblivion. HEARING AID OFF

2 Outs By The Seagalmaster

“Out For A Kill”: Out for nothing. Here the great Seagalmaster is a professor with a secret past, which doesn’t matter. Picture the picture I plant for you on how this movie is portrayed, because it is far better than the actually movie. Trust me, my analogy is far better, plus you’ll never have to treat yourself to watch the over weight Seagalmaster movie rot your gracious brain cells. Imagine the Jolly Green Giant (JGG) strolling along from USA to Bulgaria to France and a few other places in between. Better yet, imagine a twirling globe and JGG taking huge leaps from point A to point B on the globe, and ever time JGG lands in a particular locality you are given a time of day that truly never matters. Oh, JGG has very frizzy green pea pod hair in the back of his head. JGG also can read Chinese and fights crazy mystic masters of martial arts that toss and twirl in midair after being pummeled by JGG’s fists. JGG’s fighting style is very slow, so slow you think the movie is in slow mo, of which most of it is. As JGG walks through the towns, he disappears like a glimmer. JGG never removes his leather coat. JGG seeks revenge. JGG walks on into the shading shadow of the sun to only be left growing in the seeking sadness of a newly horizoned sun. HEARING AID OFF

“Out For Justice”: And give my main main event Seagalmaster the bad assed prize of being that Italian cop who is out for justice. Gino DOES not mess around and YOU do NOT mess with Gino, whether you a criminal or in the mob. Seagalmaster is awesome as an Italian. His walk (which is his natural walk) is Italian, his greasy ponytail is Italian, his hand gestures are Italian, his bad ass attitude is Italian, his Caprice he drives is Italian (my brother & nephews have one each), his facial expressions are Italian, and even the way he plays Gino is Italian. How about that pool ball fighting style? Ho’ man, DO NOT mess with the Seagalmaster’s success! (Shortly after this film, my other brother carried a pool ball in a handkerchief around in his coat pocket). This movie is what action is all about: the good guy doing what needs to be done against the bad guys and only the good guy comes out triumphant and is not stopped by a mere bullet. Hell no! Bullets do not stop the Seagalmaster, he never acknowledges when a bullet shreds his skin and innards. HEARING AID ON

Another 2 For Seagalmaster

“Fire Down Below”: I believe this film gives the Seagalmaster the spoof name of Cockpuncher. He busted so many balls with his fists that I believe he punched out all the sperm and left every male in the film, including the male viewer shooting blanks for the next 16 years. The story line was asinine, whatever that word truly means, but it seems like if fits this movie appropriately. But the fighting scenes were great stuff. What wasn’t great was Seagalmaster’s jackets; all three were bad: all black long coat, all brown long coat with dangling shreads & the most atrocious-hideous of all was the pink zebra long coat or whatever that leather mutant he wore. But beating on those poor dumb 90s haired hillbillies was ultimate pleasure. Normally, I have no idea what Seagalmaster says, because he mumbles his language conversations, but with closed captions, aw man, he has some brilliant one liners. Due to the fact he is almost expressionless (except his first few movies) and his line deliverance with zero intonation equals pure entertainment badass joy. His fight scenes truly to amaze me, till this day. Would I lie. HEARING AID ON

“Hard To Kill”: What a guy! Nearly superhuman they say. And what do you know, he has a secret past that extends to China and mystic healings and ends in him becoming a cop in a bad American City. Badass Seagalmaster on all levels, even how he makes the same sex moves on each of the girls: butt grab, then boob cup. I wish there was no showing of his amazing comeback, (amazing things are happening at Metro blah blah blah, stupid commercials & damn hospital bills I am still paying, but have a healthy son. Indeed, amazing.). He punched the rope board with tender playfulness, ran like a buffoon up a dirt hill road, & did is chop suey chops with such sloppiness that I would never have guessed he knew his martial arts. Seagalmaster can still beat those bad guys pretty damn bad, and how ‘bout a double barrel to the mouth; take that to the bank! HEARING AID ON

Friday the 13th Sex

“Friday The 13^th VI: Jason Lives”: Ah, yes, we meet again old friend. And guess what? It was a whole new experience. I watched the movie in closed caption and got to hear all those lame 80s expressions. I watched this movie and got lost in the days of my youth when I cherished the hockey masked killer. And I still cherish the hockey masked killer. Jason’s power was awesome, uncanny and godlike. This movie is the first time the viewer gets to witness Jason as a zombie. In the previous films (1-4), he is still a living being (or appears as a human in someone’s figment of his/her imagination). But not in part 6, Jason is a reanimated corpse. But as we all know, he is not your typical zombie. Jason does not eat human flesh or crave for the almighty brain, but rather is fueled by revenge. Loved the scene when he is atop the RV: now that was a truly great cinematic moment, very Oscar worthy. The mask is sweet and how he snapped the sheriff backwards; oh what a crunchy crunch sound. I bet that back snapping scene tickled a bit. Also note, Jason enters the water without being afraid of it (unlike the stupidity of Part VIII). Jason went in the water to kill Tommy; Jason held no fear, instead the bloody craving of destruction. That’s my man. One tiny problem with the movie: Jason has the power of Hercules, yet cannot break the chains under water. But, I let it be. You got to let it be. Let it be. Let it be Jason and me. Oh let it be. Let it be. Let it be a sequel and me. Oh let it be. Oh let it beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. HEARING AID ON

Seagalmaster

“Under Siege”: I’m just a cook. A lowly, lowly cook. Or, I’m just a blogger. A lowly, lowly blogger. Well, weren’t we all in for a crazy surprise when the Seagalmaster opened up a cake of whoop ass. I have to point this out, Tommy Lee Jones seemed so out of place. He also kind of reminds me of Shemp; they both have a very ugly (sorry Tommy, I had to say it) face. Naturally, my favorite scene was when Miss whatever year (does it matter?) jumped outta the cake. Okay, okay, my real favorite scene was when Seagalmaster tries to bust a move with the skinny black guy down in the cook area. The end result in all this craziness was Seagalmaster’s moves and destruction of the bad guys. He is fast, sometimes sloppy, but shows very powerful moves and we can envision the utter out of this world ahurting the Grand Segalmaster has bestowed upon the evil weirdo ship overtakers. An action classic in my book. HEARING AID ON. P.S. Have you every looked at an actor/actress on screen and watched them appear to be so sincere in their acting that you think it is genuine and real? Seagalmaster does that for me with his smiles. Oh, his running is atrocious (from other movies, not this one).

“The Glimmer Man”: Seagalmaster with K. I. Wayans. Damn those two are tall smuckers! Love when Seagalmaster has a secret past (which is nearly every movie). How about that restaurant scene where he picked up the phone, talked, kicked some butt and answered the phone on the way out. Smooth, simply smooth. I hate his jacket (ugly jackets becomes his forte in some movies). To wear a jacket like that means one is full of one’s own jack-assedness. Say it like this: jack-ass-id-ness. Nonethelessness, bad-butt action scenes with so many useless subplots, I love it all. Wayans had some nice one liners, but I couldn’t take him seriously while he cried in the movie theater. Still, Seagalmaster wins my heart in this film. HEARING AID ON

No More Scary Movies, Please

“Scary Movie V”: A couple funny scenes but way, way, way, way over done, fried, washed up, over the top and straight out stupid. Best part of the movie was the bloopers. Snoop was laid back and funny. Most scenes were just outrageous and didn’t create laughs but cringes (you know what I mean: watching movie and wondering why an actor of that stature would be in a movie, say this and do that and in the end not be funny; all for money? A job is a job, is it not? Look at what we do at our daily jobs. Sometimes we ain’t proud, but we get paid for the unproudiness). Why have a little girl (or was it a boy being a girl) dry hump or stick a tooth brush up her butt? That is just wrong and ridiculous. I remember the first few Scary Movies being pretty good with somewhat good storylines, but I think now-a-days movies like these are done for. Movie spoofs are great, but there has to me a sense subtlety. Can that been done? Of course. I know I can make it happen, if I had the resources and some bigga shith (as my dad would say) offered me some dough to write a script. After the movie ended, I asked myself why I watched this, because I have some Steven Seagal movies to watch. Why do I poison my mind with rotting filth? Why am I even watching all these movies? Why am I writing a blog? Why was Scary Movie 5 ever made? I would rather watch Seagal talk mumbo jumbo gumbo, wear a weird fuzzy hair-do, be way overweight & hunt down vampires (which is a movie I’ve seen a long time ago, or maybe a combination of Seagal movies mixed in my brain over the years). HEARING AID OFF

No One Has Fallen

“Olympus Has Fallen”: What? Another movie about a president being assassinated. Kind of, but an awesome movie with Butler being bad-ass hero. All you have to do is sit back, and enjoy the show because it is a captivating experience. Love the ruthlessness of the terrorists and Butler, especially the knife to the head scene. I am pretty sure, Butler could make this character have many sequels, like the Die Hard films. I keep using Butler because I can’t remember his character’s name, oh wow, here it is right on the box: Mike Banning. Maybe Mike is a relative of Bruce or maybe not. Banning is big, fast and can fight anything that comes his way. We need more heroes like him in movies. Hollywood, just make another sequel with this character: call it, One More Fall Won’t Hurt. HEARING AID ON

“42: The Jackie Robinson Story”: And what a story. I love movies about strong individuals that overcome the racial barrier which was caused by stupidity. Yes, we all know Americas racial history, but as we should be aware, racism is everywhere. Look at Mario Balotelli for Italy; the first black player on the Italian national team to play in a major tournament. Mario experiences racism all around him. I am always amazed that someone could think s/he is better than someone else with a different skin color. It doesn’t matter what skin color one has because there are idiots, heroes, hotties, uglies, dummies, and geniuses of every skin color out there. Okay back to the movie, the movie was captivating. I caught me eyes widening at each new scene. I didn’t want to peel away my eyes from the screen. Robinson’s actor wife was a cutie; reminded me of my wife prior to her crazy kinky curl days. One irony is how I hate to play and watch baseball (b/c I could never hit the damn ball in my grade school baseball days), but I do love baseball movies. I also think that the African Americans that have changed the course of USA’s racist stupidity of the past were strong unique individuals and were simply always meant to be. Although, I possess a boring skin color of light peach, I can say I am not totally the hodge-podge of ethnicity and nationalities which makes a real American American. I am not a totally boring person in US of A; I am Italian-American and the this country was built on those Italian laborers’ backs. On the spectrum, my beautiful gorgeous wife is African-American and this country was built on African-American’s blood. In short, our children have a ton to be proud of and a ton of problems to eventually deal with. HEARING AID ON

Tom & Lincoln Again

“Killing Lincoln”: Is it titled “Killing Stinkoln”? Yeah, yeah, another film with Mr. Hanks. But he was a narrator of the so-called movie. Best part of the movie was the Prez actually looked like himself in real life (that doesn’t even make sense, but I like it). As I struggled to stay awake I found myself waking in the middle of the night with the menu screen on. Dammit! I feel asleep, now I gotta torture myself to finish the so-called film. Maybe I am not interested in the killer of Lincoln, or maybe I just prefer Lincoln killing vampires and zombies and whatnot. I reckon so. Okay, I’ll pull something positive outta the film. In retrospect, knowing what I learned from my MPA days, Lincoln was going to be lenient on the South, but after he was killed, Andrew Johnson was even more lenient (I think). Is the South of USA the way it is because of the assassination? By saying the way it is, I am referring to the way it is now. You know what I mean. I ain’t a gonna spell it out for yer. Okay. Okay. Hot in climate and racist. Naw, naw, just a messing with y’all. But it was crazy that Gen. Lee said that one of the worst things for the South was the assassination of Lincoln. Here we have it, a man assassinated and the outcome is a still racist South and Lynyrd Skynyrd. Just messing with y’all. Again. But I ain’t being funny about my HEARING AID OFF for this one. Booth sure as hell talked mighty funny and slow, thankfully I had closed caption on, so that I was able to read what he said before he even uttered a full whacko sentence. He actually made no sense to me, it was as if he was in a Shakespeare play the whole movie. I reckon, his soul deserved more. Buh, yeah right! This movie needed more of my presence in the movie saying, “Huh?” or “Wha?” or “Wesorts. Wesorts. Wesorts. Wesorts.”