Christmassy Cheerathony

“Deck The Halls”: Deck my balls would have been so much better. How the hell did someone take down all those lights in one day, when it took almost 3 weeks to put up, then make a path of lights and cook in one day? It takes all damn day to cook a holiday meal and most times, that ain’t even enough. I don’t even want to mention Christmas lights. It takes me 5 days to put up a strand of lights. Day 1: unwind lights. Day 2: check each stupid bulb. Day 3: find the extension cord and outlet. Day 4: search for outlet adaptor. Day 5: put up damn lights only to have it slip outta my hand and break a bulb: dammit the hell! A hot non-natural blonde Cameron Diaz look-a-like is married to an overweight, old, short, bald, poor guy. I don’t buy it. And DeVito wants to do that one big thing; that monumental big thing, and that stupid, lame, ass monumental big thing is to be seen from space. How fudging stupid!? And, the community comes to put up all those lights in 1 day. Unreal. Do not ever get me wrong, I am a huge fan of fictionalness, but give me something to believe in. I just need something to believe in. I believe I can fly. You know, one time I was at a wedding & heard that open bar was gonna close at a certain time. So, I decided to double fist rum and cokes. And by the end of the night, I was on top of a chair flapping my arms to Kloset Kelley’s song, “I believe I can fly.” What a trip? And what the hell was up with the stupid singing of Holy Night and all those losers with candles and cell phones and phony kissing stupid lovey dovey unholiday cheer. Booooooo. Booooooooo, Bow down to the queen of scum. Booooooo. Booooooo. Bow down to the queen of filth. Sorry, went on a movie quote tangent. You guessed it. HEARING AID OFF.

“The Beguiled”: Why in goodness gracious did I decide to watch this one? Clint is a sex driven Civil War soldier Yankee doodle dandy hiding in the south in a girls school. Wounded and horny he is, and puts the moves on a 12 soon to be 13 year old mushroom finder, 17 soon to be 18 year old hussy, ugly virgin teacher, an old incesty type lady, and small subtle moves on a constantly sweaty slave girl. After being mended, he is caught with the hussy and pushed down a massive colonial flight of stairs by the teacher virgin only to have a terrible fall in which all the king’s men and horses couldn’t mend his badly broken leg together. Off goes the leg and eventually comes evil mushrooms. Sadly, no 1-up mushrooms from my video game years. I’m retired from Nintendo. I have filed for disability. Basically, Clint is a macho pig in a land of hoochie coochie. In the end, after a slow rot of storyline to my malnutritioned film brain, Clint should have had his middle leg sawed off. HEARING AID OFF