Christmas Cheerathoni

“National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”: What lovely old footage in a very cluttered cold attic  wearing very old woman’s clothes aaaaaaaannnnnnnd plop! Down Griswold goes. What a chaoticness of a movie? That is the holidays for ya. Reminds me of all that driving around from one family to the next, eating, drinking, eating, drinking, being shy about presents, talking, getting those awkward moments when someone says something that’s weird and there is that pause and everyone keeps eating. I spent a lot of holidays with farting men. I guess I have joined the club; I try not to but you know how that goes. Ask the wife. I mean, don’t ask the wife. Nowadays, I steer clear of foods that make me gassy: onions, garlic, rapini, hot pepper seeds, garlic salt, onion salt, lupini beans, any kind of beans really, fried food with various seasonings, hot sauce. Okay, onto the movie. Cousin Eddie, what a guy and you know there is always one of them in everyone’s family, he just comes in different ethnics. How about when Chevy puts the bulbs on top of the 3 bags of dog food, only to have it smashed by another Ol’ Roy dog food bag & Chevy doesn’t blink an eye or make an expression (he is known for that kind of humor; he is awesome at that). Did you know, on my way to a library job interview in the Glenville area, I was stopped by a toothless lad of unwhite origin who asked me and the girl driving me if we wanted to buy some dog food. Hm, imagine that, 2 white people driving in a black neighborhood being asked if we wanted to buy some smack. Us white folk laughed it off because at the time we had no idea dog food was a code word for heroin, nonetheless, we knew it was a drug term for something. Holiday cheers. Aw, I can’t wait until my boys are all grown up and come over for the holidays with their friends (girls or boys) and we have ourselves lots of food and booze. Most likely, I’ll be dressed like Cousin Eddie and drinking those out of date beers. You know, a real class act. I might even say Grace, and mistaken what all the youngsters are saying. One will ask me, “How do you do?” I’ll answer with a, “How did you know my name is Lou?” Or “Please pass me the beer.” I’ll replay with, “Ass of a deer? Son, what kind of dirty, hillbilly friends do you hang out with?” What about this one: “I love Santa’s red suit.” Huh, “You want Santa in a dead suit? Dude, you got problems!” I wish I could get a bonus. Damn non-profits. Gosh, I’m so glad it is not that nipple, I mean nippy outside. HEARING AID ON