Christmasi Cheerathoni

“Jingle All The Way”: Love hearing Arnold’s voice. His accent is sweet. “And remeba, you my numba one cusdtoma.” He played his role so well. But bring in Sinbad, and bam you got a hilarious number, “Ta-ta, Turtleman.” Or how ‘bout, “Itz Tuboman.” Or “Itz Tubotime.” Ah man, I’m killing myself here. And in the mix, is Phil Hartman playing that single father goon. The great merry mix up of storyline and the actors made this movie work and put you in a merry holiday spirit. Plus all those Santa Clauses. What a racket? Loved everything about this movie, but by far the best moment is when Sinbad is getting hit in the face by the shooting stars in slow mo. All right! HEARING AID ON

“The Santa Clause”: Another fabulous holiday movie with Tim Allen, who did not seem like a great character choice, but he did awesome. The soy milk scene is hilarious. But you know what? The ending always gets me choked up. It is always the idea of believing in the Christmas spirit that makes Santa so real. Santa is out there and although many do not agree and will say Christmas is about Jesus, but it is truly about Santa (and Scrooge, that is another story). Christmas is about giving and giving and giving. There is something underlying to this holiday, besides a birth of a carpenter. I’m just saying; this wonderful Christmas time that enters our hearts once a year is always about giving. And what makes it that way, the politics of society. Society steers us away from the religious aspects of the holiday and transforms it into something universal. It is a simply way to enter the political correctness of trying to appease the majority, while being okay with offending the minority. But, religion is not totally taken away, there is always St. Nick associated with Christmas (plus the first 5 letters of Christmas). I always envision myself having a long, long beard, smoking a corncob pipe and walking in the wilderness giving out trinkets for all the people out of the kindness of my heart. Now that I think about it, my parents are wonderful examples of Santa Clauses all year ‘round. I mean these people give and give and give, even when they are hurt in the process. It is no wonder that everyone respects them, or is it because they are Italian. Naw, I’m sure it has something to do with my mom feeding the neighborhood boys with pasta and homemade sauce, or my father delivering home grown goods to everyone he knew. Give, give and give. Lessons can be learned from the elders. Santa is in our hearts. Gotta keep some space for the ho, ho hos. Wow, reading that previous sentence has a lot of meanings & I do believe all meanings apply to someone somewhere. Somewhere over the rainbow. “Ah, there’s me pot o’ gold. There will be a killing for every missing shillin’! He, he, he!” Whoa! So off topic. HEARING AID ON

Christmas Cherrithon

“Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas”: Christmas rock and a pot-bellied sloth makes the merry bells ring; keep ringing. Ding dong ding. For this 20 minutes of animated fun, it was a tiny bit magical. It was just fun to watch and witness what a child would witness (my middle child watched this film for about 3 weeks straight when we first got it). Ah, the joys of being a child. It is fun to see their innocence at all levels: their big beautiful eyes staring at the world in amazement for the first time. Pure innocence makes my dark, bummed days a lot better. HEARING AID ON

Christmas Cheerathon & Some

“The Croods”: A recommended movie from a young neighborhood friend. This hilarious journey of a movie touched me on two levels: my closeness to caveman thinking and la famiglia. I enjoyed the crazy looking creatures and the constant humor of the scenarios and mishaps and how new is bad, therefore run to the cave. Douglas roles over and off the cliff he goes. Snapshot with a shot to the face with a rock. The father is great ‘cause all he has is his strength. But in the end of ends, sticking to the basics like survival in a cruel world, still hits home with me now. I always seek the bare essentials of maintaining survival: eat whatever is in the home, rather than go shopping; wear clothes until no longer effective (holes in socks, nonelastic undies, cut-off shirts with too many stains, shirts having those permanent b o stench (well those actually are down-graded to cut-offs)); make do with current tools, plates, dishware, car, hearing aid. You feel me. Even if sometimes I do have the money, I would prefer having the money for those crazy bills that pop up and you say to yourself: god dammit, I just thought I’d get ahead this one god damn time, you son of a bitchness. Well, maybe you say that, maybe you don’t. Grug may be simple minded but he knows one thing: taking care of his family is essential. I am no different. I will forgo it all so that my family is safe & provided for. Yeah, I get it, every parent does that, but sometimes we go to the extreme. I won’t buy beer so the family will have the money. I will not buy G. I. Joes (the oddest thing is that G.I. Joes is the only thing that lets me escape the harshness of realities and makes me feel good 100% (within the category of when one spoils his/herself)). I won’t buy me new clothes not if the wife & boys need/want them. I will eat the rotten banana so the family could have the good ones. I will drink water if there is a little bit of juice so the family could have the juice. My happiness extends from the fact that I know the wife & boys are taken care of, I just need G.I. Joes, poetry & some weights a couple times a year. Grug hit home for me, hell, we even share the same body type: top-heavy: big upper body & little legs. HEARING AID ON

“Scrooged”: An extremely clever take on you know which story. Love how Bobcat has all those crazy mishaps and at one point passed out from donating blood for money then has the money stolen. Ha, that is rich. You can feel the 80s in this movie: moral to the story and goofy great story-line. Murray is great, especially at the restaurant when he sees the eye ball and leaves by falling to the ground on the way out. There is so much weirdness in this film that it can only be given a HEARING AID ON. One cannot top the fact that this film was clever because it is about a guy who is showing a live version of Dicken’s play, only to be visited by 3 ghosts. I call that meta-Scrooge. I don’t even think Murray knows he was being Scrooged. The ghost of Christmas past was awesome, he was so foul-looking and creepy. I also wish I was invited to a company Christmas party like that. Scrooge is the true meaning of Christmas, and please DO NOT clap like the mother did when her son finally spoke, and do always cherish your siblings, never forget about them. I have been forgotten.

“Dr. Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas”: I am wondering if I even like this as a child. I definitely don’t like it as an adult. I couldn’t make out a word other than Who-ville because the voices where way too deep. I could also make out the song, but in the end, I just stared at the goofy narration and wondered what the hell was the point to me watching this 20 minutes of wondering what the narration is being said. With that said, I give this childless classic a HEARING AID OFF.

“Coogan’s Bluff”: The Texas jokes were great, but seeing Clint get the crap beat out of him was not so great. The fight scenes were so primitive and boring. If I want to see a boring fight, I will go to the bar, break up 2 girls catfighting, only to have me bumped in the ear and my hearing aid fall out, all the while, a dude is swinging at me thinking I started the fight with his stupid girlfriend, then as I search for my aid I get punched in the back of the head, find my hearing aid & shout to all at the bar that I found my hearing aid, of which all in bar look at me like I’m crazy and the bar wench wants me thrown out and I tell the skinny bouncer that I didn’t do nothing but I found my hearing aid. As for the dude who bunched my skull he was brutally assaulted with some punches & a kick by my boys. Oh, what a lame fight that was. This movie was like this: tall squinting man walks around with a cowboy hat and boots (pants too short), picks up girls, disobeys NYC’s cop protocol, received an A-1 ass-beatings, and finally catches the lame criminal. There was also a whacked out party scene that I know I would have enjoyed for a few hours until I got my tab and motherf’ed the corporate world for charging so damn much for a few beers when I know deep down that it would have been cheaper to buy a case and drink it at home. HEARING AID OFF

Christmas Cheerathoni

“National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”: What lovely old footage in a very cluttered cold attic  wearing very old woman’s clothes aaaaaaaannnnnnnd plop! Down Griswold goes. What a chaoticness of a movie? That is the holidays for ya. Reminds me of all that driving around from one family to the next, eating, drinking, eating, drinking, being shy about presents, talking, getting those awkward moments when someone says something that’s weird and there is that pause and everyone keeps eating. I spent a lot of holidays with farting men. I guess I have joined the club; I try not to but you know how that goes. Ask the wife. I mean, don’t ask the wife. Nowadays, I steer clear of foods that make me gassy: onions, garlic, rapini, hot pepper seeds, garlic salt, onion salt, lupini beans, any kind of beans really, fried food with various seasonings, hot sauce. Okay, onto the movie. Cousin Eddie, what a guy and you know there is always one of them in everyone’s family, he just comes in different ethnics. How about when Chevy puts the bulbs on top of the 3 bags of dog food, only to have it smashed by another Ol’ Roy dog food bag & Chevy doesn’t blink an eye or make an expression (he is known for that kind of humor; he is awesome at that). Did you know, on my way to a library job interview in the Glenville area, I was stopped by a toothless lad of unwhite origin who asked me and the girl driving me if we wanted to buy some dog food. Hm, imagine that, 2 white people driving in a black neighborhood being asked if we wanted to buy some smack. Us white folk laughed it off because at the time we had no idea dog food was a code word for heroin, nonetheless, we knew it was a drug term for something. Holiday cheers. Aw, I can’t wait until my boys are all grown up and come over for the holidays with their friends (girls or boys) and we have ourselves lots of food and booze. Most likely, I’ll be dressed like Cousin Eddie and drinking those out of date beers. You know, a real class act. I might even say Grace, and mistaken what all the youngsters are saying. One will ask me, “How do you do?” I’ll answer with a, “How did you know my name is Lou?” Or “Please pass me the beer.” I’ll replay with, “Ass of a deer? Son, what kind of dirty, hillbilly friends do you hang out with?” What about this one: “I love Santa’s red suit.” Huh, “You want Santa in a dead suit? Dude, you got problems!” I wish I could get a bonus. Damn non-profits. Gosh, I’m so glad it is not that nipple, I mean nippy outside. HEARING AID ON

Christmas Cheer-a-thon

“The Muppet Christmas Carol”: Childhood gem and a nostalgic piece of me. So much, I cannot let go each Christmas year. By far this is my favorite version of the Christmas Carol because it has that child touch, yet intended for adults. There is humor and there is the moral to the story. I love the mix of creatures and humans together; that odd factor of a new type of reality in which there has to be a suspension of disbelief to believe. I believe I can fly. Yah, sure, there are a couple too many singy songs, but the story gets told and that poor witty kitty kat gets to run an errand after having a wreath thrown at him. Of course, I loved the ghost of Christmas present; he is a holly jolly fat soul: know me better, man. Ho, ho, ho, ho. How about those ugly, extra bugly creatures at the nephew’s house? What in Jim Henson’s green earth where those things? Alligator? Dinosaur? Crocodile? Dinodile? Allisaur? My favorite was Fozziwig holding a horn next to his ear to hear the present rattle from Scrooge. Did it? I couldn’t hear it. Ha, ha, ha. Know me ear better, man! Is it not amazing, that one story can change culture and a holiday so much? Well, it pretty much set the tone in the past, and sets the tone for all eternity and beyond that. The Christmas spirit is Scrooge. We are all Scrooges at various points of our lives; we are only, truly reminded of the fact during Christmas time. Jingle bells, jingle bells. We should remember Scrooge every day. If every day was like Scrooge time! Bah …………………………………………. Humbug. Know me better, man. Hahahahaha. Hohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohooooooooooo!!!!!! Know me blog, man. HEARING AID ON

Supersleep

“The Three Stooges Collection. Volume Eight, 1955-1959”: The last of the Stooges short films and thank Crom for that. I tell you what, I am sorry to admit, but I hated these end of Stooges shorts days. Of the 32 shorts, only one was truly a gem and gave me a worthwhile laugh: A Merry Mix-Up. Other than that one, no Shemp but a fill in, recycled footage, recycled story-lines & boring plots. Joe actually had a good character, but it seemed the writers did nothing unique with him. Moe & Larry seemed to have done nothing funny. Moe lost his wise-cracking mean leader self. Larry seemed to have lost some weight. Gone were the slapstick humor & nyuk nyuks days. Nothing left to complain of. HEARING AID OFF

“The Eiger Sanction”: Whoa there, Professor Assassin Mt. Climber! The movie made me want to be a professor because blonde chick was running after the Prof. for some higher grades. And the movie made me want to be a mountain climber to be trained by a big busty Indian lady who used nudity to motivate. Plus the movie made me want to be an assassin because of the foxy black C-2 female agent that was willing to seduce the male assassin. Please don’t tell my wife what I am striving to become. Aside for the sexual plots of the movie, the movie was lame. Here is what you get: espionage, stupid plotting, paintings, boring climbing, the aha moment about the man who limped, some pretty funny albino jokes, and many, many racist jokes toward minority females. Oh, and what the hell was the ending all about and so utterly powerless. May the gods drop this film down the icy side of the Eiger. HEARING AID OFF.

“Planes, Trains & Automobiles”: Too much. Just too much. No matter how many times I’ve seen this, the laughs are always there. Nothing beats the scene when the two are going the wrong way: “You’re going the wrong way! You’ll kill somebody!” Better yet, “I think, he said, ‘We are going the wrong way.’” John Candy replies with, “How does he know where we’re going?” And Martin replies with a, “Yeah, how does he know where we’re going.” Mishap after mishap after mishap. What a great combo duo!? The best was Candy’s permed hair and 80s mustache; he played his character so well, especially while doin’ the mess around piece while driving. Ah man, that kills me, even to this very moment typing. HEARING AID ON

“Man Of Steel”: And zzzzzzzzzzzz. Long. Fudging way too zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Man of Sleep. Oh, look. It’s a plane. No, a bug UFO. Or is it the identity of Kent? Kent, Ohio? No, Clark, you know, the guy who is Superman and let his baseball player dad die. Wait, you mean to tell me, the hot red head who should be naked right now, found out the identity of Hopeman. Hopeman? Yeah, the S means that. Naw, the S means Superman. Yes, but why didn’t he save his dad real quick. It would have taken less than a second? Well, maybe because the scenes were out of order, or was it because it wasn’t his real dad or his dad wanted to play in the field of dreams? Don’t know. Don’t really, utterly, truly care, but why did the Kryptonians have flying creatures when they could fly? I haven’t the slightest idea. Maybe the filmmakers didn’t buy the rights. Wait, like in Smallville? The cape was so nice, very silky and flowy. I wanted to snuggle with the redhead on the cape. Oh yeah. Gimme, gimme. I’ll really give that princess something to sing about. What idiots send off their criminals into space only to have their planet blow up? Gen. Zod was the boring ugly guy from Take Shelter & I was expecting Gen Zod to build a bunker on Earth to keep away the storm of the century that rained oil. Maybe that was Zod’s plan? Who cares anything about Zod, Clark, Kent, OH, battled outfitted Superman’s dad, the dead dad killed by the tornado from Kansas that took Dorothy to Oz, flying pets, Toto, the burning bush, S symbol meaning hope …. Wait a minute, I do care about the burning bush, if you know what I mean. Oh behave, Caveman. HEARING AID OFF.

The Heat Needs No King

“The Heat”: There is a deadbeat chubby, short cop that kicks ass, and a pole-up-her-ass agent. We know where the story is gonna go, and know there will be a hunky dory ending. BUT, what is truly amazing about the chubby, short cop is that the deadbeat cop with a good heart is a woman. That is funny and uncommon. I liked that. The humor was raw and realistic, and Bullock played her roll the usual: versatile and pretty dam sweet. She is actually an amazing actress. As of today, she is my favorite actress. I have never had a favorite actress; I’m a guy and like pretty much only action stars, because they make action cool. How ‘bout when chubby cop falls from the fence: ouch that tickled (say it with Elmo voice, then laugh like Elmo because it is funnier that way. Dammit!). Drunken bar scenes are always good times in my book. Ah, yes, the stories people have of me in my drunken days. One time, on my 21^st birthday, I got sober outta my mind. Tricked you didn’t eye. Okay, so I got polluted on booze. On the way back from the bar, I started running through traffic to get to the other side, yelling and screaming wildly. On the way back to the dorm or car, can’t remember, we walked into an alley way and there is a huge metal sign being held on huge wooden beams. Does it matter what the sign says? Not really. I get into my three point defensive line stance, pause, burst forward from my stance and drill it with my shoulder. Down goes the sign, and I walk victoriously back to wherever whence I once came from. Ah yes, my AC days. Love it. Love it. Loved ‘em all. What else? The very best scene of the movie is Biff from Back To The Future, as the commander cop; he tells about how he is 43 and his son calls him grandpa. Oh snap, that is damniest funniest line I heard in a long hearing aid while. HEARING AID ON