This Is The End Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

And so the blog ends with this last title:

“Batman”: Nobody plays a better Batman than Michael Keaton. No one does a better Joker than Jack. This version of Batman was closest to the comic books in my heart. The humor by the Joker was funny and tickled my funny bone, “That’s why, I’m glad you’re dead. Ha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!” The portrayal of a playboy Bruce by Keaton was sweet and simple. The man acted clueless about parties, “How many cases of champagne? Six?” And he got the ladies (man oh man was that white dress nasty hideous). But when he donned that batsuit, amazing things happened and he looked waaaaaaaay badass. There was no stopping that batsuit; it just looked powerful. Gothom was sweet and dark looking. But most importantly, the plot was as simple as can be: good guy vs. bad guy. Hubba hubba who do you hear? A HEARING AID ON. And so I leave you with this final post of this movie blog. It was fun and ate up a ton of my time. But in reality, I watch that much, so it was nothing new for me to watch movies and tv shows. However, blogging about it, that was something new and creative, and allowed me to share humor and insights. May 2014 be a HEARING AID ON year for y’all. You go and get now. Dontcha come back har. Ya hear? Ciao. Ciao.

Will This Be My Last

“Hell Comes To Frogtown”: Holy snapballs! What the hell was the movie all about? It was whacked out weirdness, even for a movie watcher like myself: save females to impregnate them in a mutant (mainly lizard creatures) and Rowdy Roddy Piper’s penis belongs to the gov’ment. You want strange and bizarre and a plot that is so stupid it is so worthless to watch, this is for you. The mutants were made really well, but the acting was not even close as worthwhile watching as the ugly frog face female putting the moves on Piper’s piper. You want to be weirded out, please entertain yourself with this puke. HEARING AID OFF

“I Like To Hurt People”: Wow, what a catchy tune throughout, “I like to hurt people. I like to hurt peeeeople. I like to HURT people.” Sing it to an 80s rock sound and you got a catchy groove, people. I like to hurt people. This was one hell of a fun mockumentary with great wrestlers like Dusty Rhodes & Terry Funk. It was so cool watching this film about NWA and seeing interviews with fatso wrestlers that love to hurt people. I like to hurt peeeeople. But underlying it all was the Sheik & the STS (Stop The Sheik) campaign. Fun movie for wresting fans all over. Remember one thing: Dusty Rhodes has wined and dined with kings and queens. Oh, also remember that I like to hurt people. Yeah, I like to hurt people. HEARING AID ON

“Grunt: The Wrestling Movie”: Holy crapballs, this movie is awesome to the cheesiness of the most cheesiest cheese puffs you have ever eaten. This is a fake mockumentary about mostly fake wrestlers and a plot about whether Mad Dog is the Mask. You have got to watch this movie and pay attention to every word. Like for example, after the champ is decapitated during a match, the governing body finally comes to a conclusion after 6 years as to how to proceed with the new champion: battle royal. The mockumentary crew sets out on a hilarious journey and it is all one hell of a ride with laughs beyond control and intention. The ending is surprising and great and will make you get fired up in an odd way and make you nod your head and say, “This movie is great. Man it makes me want to hurt people.” HEARING AID ON

“Hot To Trot”: Ha, what a blast from the atomic past. Gosh, it was a fun, lighthearted ride with a talking horse and ugly Bobcat. Damn, was his hair so bad, along with his clothes, but we’ll forgive him because it was the 80s. The 80s was all about bad hair and horrendous clothes. The reason this movie was simply great was that it had a laidback feel to it; showing the viewers that nothing is truly being taken seriously. And guess what, John Candy is the voice of the horse, which is so worth the fun to watch, well, maybe more so, listen. With this one, turn your hearing aid on and laugh a little at the ridiculousness of it all; 80s style that is. HEARING AID ON

Oh Abe.

“Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”: I don’t care what you think, but this film was badass. I’m sure it wasn’t as good as the book, but nobody can beat an Honest Abe while he is swinging a mean looking ax. The scenes were sweet, like the horse jumping & train stomping. I loved how the fiction was tied in with the nonfiction. Don’t worry, I know it is nothing new, but the whole fact that the North almost lost to vampires and not slave owners is rather quite mind blowing. Plus, I loved the scene in which the viewer gets to look at Abe with his beard and top hat for the first time: WOW & WHOA!: truly, truly one badass prez. It was fun. It was action. It was real. It was not real. It was a president that understood the value of history and journal taking. It was a president that understood the value of taking sacrifices for the greater good. Hey, vampires just might be out there. If Obama ain’t wielding a silver tipped blade right now, we can still rest assure knowing Sam & Dean got our backs. HEARING AID ON

End Of Christmas Cheers

“It’s A Wonderful Life”: After watching this film, how can it not be. The film has it all: comedy, drama, seriousness, great story-telling narration, wonderful acting and cheesy cheerfulness. Notice Alfalfa. There were even a couple actors that played in a few Stooges’ shorts. The reason why this is such a classy film is that it is about a small town boy and his hopes of leaving, only to get sucked into the town and become a valuable member. Another valuable wonderfulness of this film is the drafty ol’ house and all those damn kids, along with all the miserable happenstances of life that make holidays so extra very stressful, yet wonderful. I wouldn’t go so far as killing myself for the sake of saving the family, because that really doesn’t make sense. The family needs me and whatever pickle one is in, if a family pulls together, great and wonderful things will happen, in time, that is. My favorite scene was when they were in the alternate universe in the bar and the bartender keeps wringing the cash registrar bell, “Look, I’m giving angels wings.” Smart assy and funny. How about when George goes running around at the end in his high pitched voice, running all hunched over? Wonderful. So wonderful. HEARING AID ON

“Jack Frost”: Claymation and what-the-hell-is-going-on-amation? It seemed like the subliminal message was Russians vs. Germans; crazy mechanical one hand man vs. blonde-hair-blue-eyes. The coolest was how snow was made by little blue people. The story was actually very dumb. Dumb dumb dumb. I have no idea as to why I watched it, maybe it was the mechanical horse, the mechanical had puppet and/or the groundhog. Not sure, but I notice my oldest son could not stop watching the movie. HEARING AID OFF

Christmacheeron

“Christmas With The Simpsons”: A small collection of Simpsons Christmas episodes that are funny because of Homer. Homer is the essence of that average American guy who is funny, pitiful, typical, average, below-average, down-to-earth, dumb, down-trodden, sad and everything else American. My favorite is when he parked in the handicap spot and walked away by dragging 1 leg. I know the Simpsons have been around for over 20 years, but I didn’t realize how much spoofing went into the show. Gary Coleman, he crazy. Whatchotalkinbout, Lou? HEARING AID ON

“Fred Claus”: Paul was a great depressed Santa & Vaughn did his usual wrap. But it all worked out. The movie was touching, funny and festive. Best scenes are the chimney dropping scenes (especially the Jewish one & all cookie related scenes) & the siblings anonymous (And then Rocky came out). What was so touching about this movie was the love-hate relationship between the two, Santa always loving & Fred not so much. “You’re the best big brother.” I loved that scene. Although I will never say that to any of my older brothers because they simply can never attain that status; I would love to be told that from my older brothers, even though I’m the youngest. This is what I want to hear, “You’re the best brother. We just forgot to tell you that.” Brother scenes kill me every damn time. A spot within my heart has been ripped open and left unfilled for over a decade by those that are called my brothers. “What happened? Why?” you ask. I fell in love with a beautiful woman who happened to have different colored skin than myself. However, recently, one brotherly love has reentered my life and it feels good, but I must go on as I have done in the past simply because that is the way to go. My 3 sons will learn from the errors of their uncles and what definitely not to do. Life is way, way too short to hate one’s own blood; but it happens and life must go on. Fred & Nick patch up after centuries of stupidity. Yes, all it takes is a small gesture & a pinch of ol’ time brotherly love can be enjoyed. Sadly, we are not everlasting creatures from Claus blood, so patch it already. Idiots. HEARING AID ON

“Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause”: Although not nearly as wonderful as the first 2, I still love the adventure. Martin Short was simply great as a bad guy. His hair was great, his eye brows were truly wonderful & best of all, he made a terrible Santa Claus. This film had a lot of cheesiness involved like the families in the North Pole & the little red-head girl and her snow globes. There was a lot a funniness from Tim that was missing. There were too many secondary characters; there should have been more of a focus on Santa not being Santa. Why did they name their baby Buddy, becauseI immediately thought of Will Ferrell as the Elf? That’s all. HEARING AID ON

Christmas Cheers Still Going

“Home Alone”: Do you know why this movie worked so great and became a signature Christmas classic? John Hughes? Maybe. “Me-callie-caulk-in,” (say it with a creepy leprechaun voice over and over; it sounds so much better; first time I heard anyone say it like that was this red-head dude at St. Eds from my class; he was a funny dude, but I cannot remember his name, I think he was a baseball player)? Not really. Joe Pesci? Maybe. Insane plot? Possibly. I believe it worked because of the right combo of actors that made up the story. I loved the burglars and their stupidity. I loved a little boy left in a house and had the time of his life. Notice, little Me-callie-caulk-in shot Larry Bird toy with a BB gun. Damn you. And if anyone ever called my son a little Jerk, I would grab a frozen beer can and whip it at that persons face. Whip ‘em in da face. I will. And I will. And I will. And I will whip it in your face. Classy scene was the pizza delivery guy and the black and white film. Snakes? I don’t know no Snakes. HEARING AID ON

“The Nightmare Before Christmas”: Cult classic blah blah blah. Goofy animation and singing don’t match no how. I never liked it when I first saw it. Sure as hell don’t like it now. Aside from the fact I had no idea what any creature was saying, except for the phrase, “I’m the pumpkin king,” the movie was too long, too dark and too meaningless. In short, nothing was appealing to this hearingless boy. It was a nightmare before my eyes. The only good part was the gumbo ghost blanket that had insects underneath him. He sounded like he should be in a New Orleeeens jazz band. Toot-toot. (I wonder if Disney took his liking & voice for the gator in the Princess & the Frog). HEARING AID OFF

“It’s Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown”: Another magical short moment of tiny childhood holiday memories. Linus doesn’t have a blanket & Peppermint Patty’s toes. No joys there. The greatest moments of this cartoon are the adult voices: whomp whomp whomp. Aw man, I love it, I just wish the adults at the library sounded like that. Actually, wait a minute, nearly everyone sounds like that to me at some point. The best is when I wake up with a real bad case of the Mondays (it doesn’t have to actually occur on a Monday) & arrive to work and get people asking me questions as soon as I walk to my desk. I immediately hear whomp whomp whomp wop wop woo woo woo whomp whomp whomp. I give that person the most unintentionally deadly stare, smile and say softly, “Hold on, bitch I just go here. Gimme an f-ing minute, here. Oh, and I hope you rot in hell.” No wonder some people never come back to me for help. HEARING AID ON

Santa Cheer Me Up

“Santa Clause 2”: Toy Santa was a trip. Hoo, hoo, hoooooo! Or how ‘bout when it drank the hot cocoa super-fast. Everything about the toy Santa was hilarious. I loved his rant about rules and coal, his face & smile. Dammit all, Tim was great. I even thought the reindeerspeak was great. The value of this movie was the scene in the gym, where all the teachers’ inner child was overwhelmed with Christmas spirit. Ho. Ho. Ho. Get me some of that hot cocoa. No wait. Coal. Yes! Everyone gets coal. Coal. Coal. Coal. And some more coal. As adults, we have to remember that the best gifts are not booze and money, but rather that certain toy or collectible or that always wanted item. For me, I would rather receive G.I. Joes for Christmas over anything in the whole wide little Santa world. I’m sure you don’t feel the same, but here is a holiday shopping tip for you. I hate Giant Eagle because the damn store is overpriced and fool you into believing that if you spend such amount from its overpriced aisles, you will get free gas. How much goddamn of your money do you have to spend to get that free tank. Anyways, I love to do Christmas shopping at giant beagle for my holiday peeps. I get the points and people get groceries, booze, gift cards and/or lotto tickets. Keep presents simple for those outside the nuclear family. But for the inner most loved ones within the homefront, give ‘em a little bit of everything. Make your gifts have a little bit of your inner personality. Oh, you don’t need to buy Christmas cards, make your own. You don’t need to buy wrapping paper; wrap in newspaper or a simple plastic bag. Everything ends up in the garbage at some point, yes, even the gifts. Just think: if you gave booze as a gift it will be drunk. If you gave food for a gift, it will be eaten. If you gave a gift card, THEY can figure out what they want. If you give lotto, it gives the scratcher a tiny bit of hope for some cash. Ho. Ho. Ho. Enjoy some hot cocoa and say, “Whoa!” really loud after each sip. Enjoy, and enjoy the damn holidays, & visualize young Mrs. Claus naked under her Mrs. Claus robe. Whoa! HEARING AID ON

Xmas Cheer

“Grown Ups 2”: Potential was there. The wide range of casting: young up & coming actors/actresses, Shaq, Stone Cold, usual Adam Sandler cast was there. Even the 80s element was there (my wife states that nearly all Sandler movies has that 80s aspects). The movie was a long disaster. Can you believe Sandler gets paid 15 million a movie? That’s the business we created. If we didn’t go see movies, movies wouldn’t make money, directors wouldn’t cast certain people, producers wouldn’t spend so much, actors wouldn’t make so much and eventually stop asking for a lot. The funniest moments were Meatloaf waving his handkerchief or neckchief as my dad calls it, and the one-liners by the frat boys. Salma Hayek’s breast were so big, I do not remember that. Oh, that exercise scene wasn’t too bad. No, now I think of it, it was bad. The acting was pretty lame over all, because it didn’t seem like people were trying, I don’t know, too overly laid back. The dude with the weird eye always plays a character with a weird eye. Why? Should not have been a sequel but a new storyline. Oh, I know, this movie seemed too forced, as if, it was made to make a couple bucks, kind of like Hangover or those damn Paranormal Activity movies. Stop it. HEARING AID OFF

“Swing Parade”: Oh, behave, you silly people. This is just a boring black and white film about singing (fast forward), dancing (fast forward) and some 3 Stooges (play it). The Stooges made this movie tolerable but I still give it a HEARING AID OFF.

“A Charlie Brown Christmas”: Even though it was short, I sure laughed out loud. Love the scene of all them singing with their tiny noses pointing skyward, and that Christmas tree. One year, I can’t remember where or when, but I believe someone (maybe it was me) had a twig in a glass with water and one red bulb on it: the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree. My favorite now is Linus and his blanket. I was a blanket boy: sucked my thumb & had a blanket I called, “Blankie.” When my blanket had a hole or a rip, I’d tie it up. Sometimes, I would put it by the front door so the cold air would make the blanket nice & cold for me to snuggle with. But, it was burnt before my eyes by my evil brothers. I believe I have been traumatized from that experience and have numerous nightmares that involve sulking devil brothers, flames and my lovely blue knotted blankie. That DNA trait has been passed onto my 2^nd & 3^rd sons, however, my 3^rd son does not suck his thumb, rather his middle two fingers. I will comment on my 2^nd boy because he does exactly what Linus does: he wraps himself up in that blanket anywhere and everywhere, that is, as long as we give him access to his blanket. Sometimes, he’ll even wrap the blanket around his head like a hijab. Oh man, that boy is precious. He has a blanket for bedtime, plus spares in case he wets the bed. He has a blanket for car rides (one for both of our cars). He has a blanket for when he visits Nonna’s & Nonno’s. HEARING AID ON

“Frosty Returns”: What the hell was that all about? HEARING AID OFF

“Elf”: Too much awesomeness. Buddy is awesome to the core. He should have gotten an Oscar for his performance. He is so believable as an older guy playing a silly youngin’. I just love Buddy’s emotions. He exclaims so loudly and is overjoyed, overwhelmed with everything he sees. Loved the randomness of those animated creatures. Buddy was Christmas incarnated and so utterly believable. He possessed the heart of a child within an older person. Wish it ran throughout and bled into our world. And I always tear up when the little boy has Santa’s book and names off people’s wants from their Santa list. That wish list is called hope. That hope to receive something greater that may or may not happen. Adults forget but they are always creating Santa Lists. Being human is about hoping for something more. Some can feel it will happen, but know it takes time. Others will feel it will never happen and their negative energy pushes the hope out the window. Others have money and buy that hope so much faster than the average person can think possible. Or hope comes in little tiny steps and attainable right there at the finger tips. Buddy and his syrup in the coffee: classic. Buddy and his spaghetti sugar infused disgustingness, yet eats it like it was made for the lord himself is pure art. This movie works because it is outright silly yet brings Christmas into our coal filled hearts. HEARING AID ON

Enter Your Christmas Cheery

“He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special”: Holy Moly strange days these were. Have you seen this special? And what in Eternia is going on? And talk about a blast from the past. The characters I remember like they were in my life yesterday, well, the toys that is. My buddy & brother went through a phase of collecting the figures. I strayed a bit from my G.I. Joe collecting to help them. I was a little brother trying to have one of my big bros appreciate me. Don’t think he did. I know for a fact, he doesn’t now. I do not remember the cartoon characters one bit, except for Prince Adam, aka He-Man. “By the power of Grayskull!” I would love to know who was the human model for He-Man; He(-Man) was humongous. At that moment He(-Man) was inspiring me to go in my basement to get my weights together and start lifting some weights (but that is next year’s resolution). This special had so much going on with so many different bad guys, good guys, good girls, strange creatures, humans, robots & the creepiest voices you ever did hear. Animation was simple and sweet, just the way I love it, after all, this is the 80s, baby! The greatest awesomeness of this Christmas special was Skeletor. Skeletor was hilarious, especially when the Christmas spirit overcame him. This special is so worth watching for the sake of Skeletor and those creepy character voices, oh, and the occasional furry under panties worn by the men of Heeeeeeeeee-Maaaaaaaaan! (Say it in a loud manly voice, it’ll have a better effect. Do it.               Do it.                     Do it.) And the little girl has the weirdest looking hands: wrinkly old lady hands. HEARING AID ON

“Nertsery Rhymes”: Here it is, the first Stooge short with Ted Healy. I hate Ted Healy. I hated this musical comedy but it was a product of its time. Nonetheless, today’s viewer gets to see young, healthy, unwealthy & dumb Stooges, who truly do look like little boys. HEARING AID ON for the short that created the greatest comedy of anything anywhere, ever.

“Roast-Beef And Movies”: A very unfunny musical short starring Curly. The best part was Curly (listed here as Jerome) being so hungry he decided to eat his friend’s buttons. That is clever. Aside from that, there was too much dancing footage. SaaaaleeeeeeePER. HEARING AID OFF.

“Frosty The Snowman”: Classic Christmas Cartoon. Bring on the cheer of the Christmas snow. I had no idea there were different kinds of snow. So, if it were to snow in Brazil, would that be Brazilian snow? Someday, our weathers will shift and it will snow in Brazil. Nothing remains the same. Maybe except a Zeppelin song. Ever notice the little children are not dressed for winter. One of the girls has short sleeves and a dress: so, so odd. I guess in those day, snow wasn’t that cold feeling. After all, it was Christmas snow, and so ready to melt, just like Frosty. I hate red thermometers. Loved the bunny and the silly magician who couldn’t do magic. But most importantly, I loved the very simple animation and that Santa made an appearance to save Frosty. Those two are usually not linked together and I think that was a very nice touch. It made my holiday duos times better. HEARING AID ONE

Christmassy Cheerathony

“Deck The Halls”: Deck my balls would have been so much better. How the hell did someone take down all those lights in one day, when it took almost 3 weeks to put up, then make a path of lights and cook in one day? It takes all damn day to cook a holiday meal and most times, that ain’t even enough. I don’t even want to mention Christmas lights. It takes me 5 days to put up a strand of lights. Day 1: unwind lights. Day 2: check each stupid bulb. Day 3: find the extension cord and outlet. Day 4: search for outlet adaptor. Day 5: put up damn lights only to have it slip outta my hand and break a bulb: dammit the hell! A hot non-natural blonde Cameron Diaz look-a-like is married to an overweight, old, short, bald, poor guy. I don’t buy it. And DeVito wants to do that one big thing; that monumental big thing, and that stupid, lame, ass monumental big thing is to be seen from space. How fudging stupid!? And, the community comes to put up all those lights in 1 day. Unreal. Do not ever get me wrong, I am a huge fan of fictionalness, but give me something to believe in. I just need something to believe in. I believe I can fly. You know, one time I was at a wedding & heard that open bar was gonna close at a certain time. So, I decided to double fist rum and cokes. And by the end of the night, I was on top of a chair flapping my arms to Kloset Kelley’s song, “I believe I can fly.” What a trip? And what the hell was up with the stupid singing of Holy Night and all those losers with candles and cell phones and phony kissing stupid lovey dovey unholiday cheer. Booooooo. Booooooooo, Bow down to the queen of scum. Booooooo. Booooooo. Bow down to the queen of filth. Sorry, went on a movie quote tangent. You guessed it. HEARING AID OFF.

“The Beguiled”: Why in goodness gracious did I decide to watch this one? Clint is a sex driven Civil War soldier Yankee doodle dandy hiding in the south in a girls school. Wounded and horny he is, and puts the moves on a 12 soon to be 13 year old mushroom finder, 17 soon to be 18 year old hussy, ugly virgin teacher, an old incesty type lady, and small subtle moves on a constantly sweaty slave girl. After being mended, he is caught with the hussy and pushed down a massive colonial flight of stairs by the teacher virgin only to have a terrible fall in which all the king’s men and horses couldn’t mend his badly broken leg together. Off goes the leg and eventually comes evil mushrooms. Sadly, no 1-up mushrooms from my video game years. I’m retired from Nintendo. I have filed for disability. Basically, Clint is a macho pig in a land of hoochie coochie. In the end, after a slow rot of storyline to my malnutritioned film brain, Clint should have had his middle leg sawed off. HEARING AID OFF

Cheerathon of Xmas

“Miracle On 34^th Street” (1947): A warmth of a tale about a man who knows what the spirit of Christmas is all about: giving and not going broke while doing it. Or in the corporate world: placing helping guidance before making a profit. Black Friday (I mean, Black Thursday does not count). Corporate world is all about making profit; there is nothing wrong with that. The problem stems from the consumer being so willing to buy the newest product. For example, burger prices go up at the fast food places, so here’s a clever idea, stop buying from them and make your own. And at some point the phenomenon of Supply & Demand will drive prices down or the place out of business: good for us. Or, if the newest car comes out, don’t bother, drive yours until it is done; it is cheaper to make simple repairs than purchasing a new car and having monthly payments along with higher insurance & interest. As for gift giving, there is no need to buy the most current new fashionable toy for a child because the child plays with the toy for a month straight at the longest and is done, or even worse, breaks the item in a week, or all kids fight over it. Go thrift shopping for used toys and be creative. Children will always be happy and sad with each gift. I remember one year I got socks from an old lady (of whom has passed away many moons ago) and boy was I so sad, but in the end, I wore the socks and continued to visit the old lady with my mom and eat those delicious donuts. Last year, my wife & I bought a combo of new toys and thrift toys and the boys could care less, as long as they unwrapped and enjoyed. This movie shows some of that, but also offers the viewer an insight of a comical adventure of a man, insane, sane or both who believes himself to be Santa. I believed he was Santa. Why not? The courtroom had the best scenes, along with the little jolly Santaman. Another small favorite scene of mine was the mailroom where the guy is talking to a paisano named Lou; based on their mannerism and speech, the two were Italian, then the guy starts singing “Jingle bells.” Mint, I tell you. Ho, ho, ho and may the spirit of the kind cheap, I mean frugal giver guide you on your Christmas shopping journey. HEARING AID ON

Christmasi Cheerathoni

“Jingle All The Way”: Love hearing Arnold’s voice. His accent is sweet. “And remeba, you my numba one cusdtoma.” He played his role so well. But bring in Sinbad, and bam you got a hilarious number, “Ta-ta, Turtleman.” Or how ‘bout, “Itz Tuboman.” Or “Itz Tubotime.” Ah man, I’m killing myself here. And in the mix, is Phil Hartman playing that single father goon. The great merry mix up of storyline and the actors made this movie work and put you in a merry holiday spirit. Plus all those Santa Clauses. What a racket? Loved everything about this movie, but by far the best moment is when Sinbad is getting hit in the face by the shooting stars in slow mo. All right! HEARING AID ON

“The Santa Clause”: Another fabulous holiday movie with Tim Allen, who did not seem like a great character choice, but he did awesome. The soy milk scene is hilarious. But you know what? The ending always gets me choked up. It is always the idea of believing in the Christmas spirit that makes Santa so real. Santa is out there and although many do not agree and will say Christmas is about Jesus, but it is truly about Santa (and Scrooge, that is another story). Christmas is about giving and giving and giving. There is something underlying to this holiday, besides a birth of a carpenter. I’m just saying; this wonderful Christmas time that enters our hearts once a year is always about giving. And what makes it that way, the politics of society. Society steers us away from the religious aspects of the holiday and transforms it into something universal. It is a simply way to enter the political correctness of trying to appease the majority, while being okay with offending the minority. But, religion is not totally taken away, there is always St. Nick associated with Christmas (plus the first 5 letters of Christmas). I always envision myself having a long, long beard, smoking a corncob pipe and walking in the wilderness giving out trinkets for all the people out of the kindness of my heart. Now that I think about it, my parents are wonderful examples of Santa Clauses all year ‘round. I mean these people give and give and give, even when they are hurt in the process. It is no wonder that everyone respects them, or is it because they are Italian. Naw, I’m sure it has something to do with my mom feeding the neighborhood boys with pasta and homemade sauce, or my father delivering home grown goods to everyone he knew. Give, give and give. Lessons can be learned from the elders. Santa is in our hearts. Gotta keep some space for the ho, ho hos. Wow, reading that previous sentence has a lot of meanings & I do believe all meanings apply to someone somewhere. Somewhere over the rainbow. “Ah, there’s me pot o’ gold. There will be a killing for every missing shillin’! He, he, he!” Whoa! So off topic. HEARING AID ON

Christmas Cherrithon

“Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas”: Christmas rock and a pot-bellied sloth makes the merry bells ring; keep ringing. Ding dong ding. For this 20 minutes of animated fun, it was a tiny bit magical. It was just fun to watch and witness what a child would witness (my middle child watched this film for about 3 weeks straight when we first got it). Ah, the joys of being a child. It is fun to see their innocence at all levels: their big beautiful eyes staring at the world in amazement for the first time. Pure innocence makes my dark, bummed days a lot better. HEARING AID ON

Christmas Cheerathon & Some

“The Croods”: A recommended movie from a young neighborhood friend. This hilarious journey of a movie touched me on two levels: my closeness to caveman thinking and la famiglia. I enjoyed the crazy looking creatures and the constant humor of the scenarios and mishaps and how new is bad, therefore run to the cave. Douglas roles over and off the cliff he goes. Snapshot with a shot to the face with a rock. The father is great ‘cause all he has is his strength. But in the end of ends, sticking to the basics like survival in a cruel world, still hits home with me now. I always seek the bare essentials of maintaining survival: eat whatever is in the home, rather than go shopping; wear clothes until no longer effective (holes in socks, nonelastic undies, cut-off shirts with too many stains, shirts having those permanent b o stench (well those actually are down-graded to cut-offs)); make do with current tools, plates, dishware, car, hearing aid. You feel me. Even if sometimes I do have the money, I would prefer having the money for those crazy bills that pop up and you say to yourself: god dammit, I just thought I’d get ahead this one god damn time, you son of a bitchness. Well, maybe you say that, maybe you don’t. Grug may be simple minded but he knows one thing: taking care of his family is essential. I am no different. I will forgo it all so that my family is safe & provided for. Yeah, I get it, every parent does that, but sometimes we go to the extreme. I won’t buy beer so the family will have the money. I will not buy G. I. Joes (the oddest thing is that G.I. Joes is the only thing that lets me escape the harshness of realities and makes me feel good 100% (within the category of when one spoils his/herself)). I won’t buy me new clothes not if the wife & boys need/want them. I will eat the rotten banana so the family could have the good ones. I will drink water if there is a little bit of juice so the family could have the juice. My happiness extends from the fact that I know the wife & boys are taken care of, I just need G.I. Joes, poetry & some weights a couple times a year. Grug hit home for me, hell, we even share the same body type: top-heavy: big upper body & little legs. HEARING AID ON

“Scrooged”: An extremely clever take on you know which story. Love how Bobcat has all those crazy mishaps and at one point passed out from donating blood for money then has the money stolen. Ha, that is rich. You can feel the 80s in this movie: moral to the story and goofy great story-line. Murray is great, especially at the restaurant when he sees the eye ball and leaves by falling to the ground on the way out. There is so much weirdness in this film that it can only be given a HEARING AID ON. One cannot top the fact that this film was clever because it is about a guy who is showing a live version of Dicken’s play, only to be visited by 3 ghosts. I call that meta-Scrooge. I don’t even think Murray knows he was being Scrooged. The ghost of Christmas past was awesome, he was so foul-looking and creepy. I also wish I was invited to a company Christmas party like that. Scrooge is the true meaning of Christmas, and please DO NOT clap like the mother did when her son finally spoke, and do always cherish your siblings, never forget about them. I have been forgotten.

“Dr. Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas”: I am wondering if I even like this as a child. I definitely don’t like it as an adult. I couldn’t make out a word other than Who-ville because the voices where way too deep. I could also make out the song, but in the end, I just stared at the goofy narration and wondered what the hell was the point to me watching this 20 minutes of wondering what the narration is being said. With that said, I give this childless classic a HEARING AID OFF.

“Coogan’s Bluff”: The Texas jokes were great, but seeing Clint get the crap beat out of him was not so great. The fight scenes were so primitive and boring. If I want to see a boring fight, I will go to the bar, break up 2 girls catfighting, only to have me bumped in the ear and my hearing aid fall out, all the while, a dude is swinging at me thinking I started the fight with his stupid girlfriend, then as I search for my aid I get punched in the back of the head, find my hearing aid & shout to all at the bar that I found my hearing aid, of which all in bar look at me like I’m crazy and the bar wench wants me thrown out and I tell the skinny bouncer that I didn’t do nothing but I found my hearing aid. As for the dude who bunched my skull he was brutally assaulted with some punches & a kick by my boys. Oh, what a lame fight that was. This movie was like this: tall squinting man walks around with a cowboy hat and boots (pants too short), picks up girls, disobeys NYC’s cop protocol, received an A-1 ass-beatings, and finally catches the lame criminal. There was also a whacked out party scene that I know I would have enjoyed for a few hours until I got my tab and motherf’ed the corporate world for charging so damn much for a few beers when I know deep down that it would have been cheaper to buy a case and drink it at home. HEARING AID OFF

Christmas Cheerathoni

“National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”: What lovely old footage in a very cluttered cold attic  wearing very old woman’s clothes aaaaaaaannnnnnnd plop! Down Griswold goes. What a chaoticness of a movie? That is the holidays for ya. Reminds me of all that driving around from one family to the next, eating, drinking, eating, drinking, being shy about presents, talking, getting those awkward moments when someone says something that’s weird and there is that pause and everyone keeps eating. I spent a lot of holidays with farting men. I guess I have joined the club; I try not to but you know how that goes. Ask the wife. I mean, don’t ask the wife. Nowadays, I steer clear of foods that make me gassy: onions, garlic, rapini, hot pepper seeds, garlic salt, onion salt, lupini beans, any kind of beans really, fried food with various seasonings, hot sauce. Okay, onto the movie. Cousin Eddie, what a guy and you know there is always one of them in everyone’s family, he just comes in different ethnics. How about when Chevy puts the bulbs on top of the 3 bags of dog food, only to have it smashed by another Ol’ Roy dog food bag & Chevy doesn’t blink an eye or make an expression (he is known for that kind of humor; he is awesome at that). Did you know, on my way to a library job interview in the Glenville area, I was stopped by a toothless lad of unwhite origin who asked me and the girl driving me if we wanted to buy some dog food. Hm, imagine that, 2 white people driving in a black neighborhood being asked if we wanted to buy some smack. Us white folk laughed it off because at the time we had no idea dog food was a code word for heroin, nonetheless, we knew it was a drug term for something. Holiday cheers. Aw, I can’t wait until my boys are all grown up and come over for the holidays with their friends (girls or boys) and we have ourselves lots of food and booze. Most likely, I’ll be dressed like Cousin Eddie and drinking those out of date beers. You know, a real class act. I might even say Grace, and mistaken what all the youngsters are saying. One will ask me, “How do you do?” I’ll answer with a, “How did you know my name is Lou?” Or “Please pass me the beer.” I’ll replay with, “Ass of a deer? Son, what kind of dirty, hillbilly friends do you hang out with?” What about this one: “I love Santa’s red suit.” Huh, “You want Santa in a dead suit? Dude, you got problems!” I wish I could get a bonus. Damn non-profits. Gosh, I’m so glad it is not that nipple, I mean nippy outside. HEARING AID ON

Christmas Cheer-a-thon

“The Muppet Christmas Carol”: Childhood gem and a nostalgic piece of me. So much, I cannot let go each Christmas year. By far this is my favorite version of the Christmas Carol because it has that child touch, yet intended for adults. There is humor and there is the moral to the story. I love the mix of creatures and humans together; that odd factor of a new type of reality in which there has to be a suspension of disbelief to believe. I believe I can fly. Yah, sure, there are a couple too many singy songs, but the story gets told and that poor witty kitty kat gets to run an errand after having a wreath thrown at him. Of course, I loved the ghost of Christmas present; he is a holly jolly fat soul: know me better, man. Ho, ho, ho, ho. How about those ugly, extra bugly creatures at the nephew’s house? What in Jim Henson’s green earth where those things? Alligator? Dinosaur? Crocodile? Dinodile? Allisaur? My favorite was Fozziwig holding a horn next to his ear to hear the present rattle from Scrooge. Did it? I couldn’t hear it. Ha, ha, ha. Know me ear better, man! Is it not amazing, that one story can change culture and a holiday so much? Well, it pretty much set the tone in the past, and sets the tone for all eternity and beyond that. The Christmas spirit is Scrooge. We are all Scrooges at various points of our lives; we are only, truly reminded of the fact during Christmas time. Jingle bells, jingle bells. We should remember Scrooge every day. If every day was like Scrooge time! Bah …………………………………………. Humbug. Know me better, man. Hahahahaha. Hohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohooooooooooo!!!!!! Know me blog, man. HEARING AID ON

Supersleep

“The Three Stooges Collection. Volume Eight, 1955-1959”: The last of the Stooges short films and thank Crom for that. I tell you what, I am sorry to admit, but I hated these end of Stooges shorts days. Of the 32 shorts, only one was truly a gem and gave me a worthwhile laugh: A Merry Mix-Up. Other than that one, no Shemp but a fill in, recycled footage, recycled story-lines & boring plots. Joe actually had a good character, but it seemed the writers did nothing unique with him. Moe & Larry seemed to have done nothing funny. Moe lost his wise-cracking mean leader self. Larry seemed to have lost some weight. Gone were the slapstick humor & nyuk nyuks days. Nothing left to complain of. HEARING AID OFF

“The Eiger Sanction”: Whoa there, Professor Assassin Mt. Climber! The movie made me want to be a professor because blonde chick was running after the Prof. for some higher grades. And the movie made me want to be a mountain climber to be trained by a big busty Indian lady who used nudity to motivate. Plus the movie made me want to be an assassin because of the foxy black C-2 female agent that was willing to seduce the male assassin. Please don’t tell my wife what I am striving to become. Aside for the sexual plots of the movie, the movie was lame. Here is what you get: espionage, stupid plotting, paintings, boring climbing, the aha moment about the man who limped, some pretty funny albino jokes, and many, many racist jokes toward minority females. Oh, and what the hell was the ending all about and so utterly powerless. May the gods drop this film down the icy side of the Eiger. HEARING AID OFF.

“Planes, Trains & Automobiles”: Too much. Just too much. No matter how many times I’ve seen this, the laughs are always there. Nothing beats the scene when the two are going the wrong way: “You’re going the wrong way! You’ll kill somebody!” Better yet, “I think, he said, ‘We are going the wrong way.’” John Candy replies with, “How does he know where we’re going?” And Martin replies with a, “Yeah, how does he know where we’re going.” Mishap after mishap after mishap. What a great combo duo!? The best was Candy’s permed hair and 80s mustache; he played his character so well, especially while doin’ the mess around piece while driving. Ah man, that kills me, even to this very moment typing. HEARING AID ON

“Man Of Steel”: And zzzzzzzzzzzz. Long. Fudging way too zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Man of Sleep. Oh, look. It’s a plane. No, a bug UFO. Or is it the identity of Kent? Kent, Ohio? No, Clark, you know, the guy who is Superman and let his baseball player dad die. Wait, you mean to tell me, the hot red head who should be naked right now, found out the identity of Hopeman. Hopeman? Yeah, the S means that. Naw, the S means Superman. Yes, but why didn’t he save his dad real quick. It would have taken less than a second? Well, maybe because the scenes were out of order, or was it because it wasn’t his real dad or his dad wanted to play in the field of dreams? Don’t know. Don’t really, utterly, truly care, but why did the Kryptonians have flying creatures when they could fly? I haven’t the slightest idea. Maybe the filmmakers didn’t buy the rights. Wait, like in Smallville? The cape was so nice, very silky and flowy. I wanted to snuggle with the redhead on the cape. Oh yeah. Gimme, gimme. I’ll really give that princess something to sing about. What idiots send off their criminals into space only to have their planet blow up? Gen. Zod was the boring ugly guy from Take Shelter & I was expecting Gen Zod to build a bunker on Earth to keep away the storm of the century that rained oil. Maybe that was Zod’s plan? Who cares anything about Zod, Clark, Kent, OH, battled outfitted Superman’s dad, the dead dad killed by the tornado from Kansas that took Dorothy to Oz, flying pets, Toto, the burning bush, S symbol meaning hope …. Wait a minute, I do care about the burning bush, if you know what I mean. Oh behave, Caveman. HEARING AID OFF.