Despicable Stooges

“Despicable Me”: And I thought I already saw this movie with my boys. Turns out, I missed so much. This little animation film made me chuckle throughout while all hopped up on beer. And no, the beer didn’t make me laugh any bit more. It was the two villains fighting and plotting against each other, but obviously the villain with the 3 girls who tried to play villain dad was loads of fun. Now watching villain dad be villain and dad was comical. Loved his accent and how he looked like the stoner overcoat kid from “The Breakfast Club.” Also, my 8^th grade teacher Mr. Fiala made an appearance as the skinny dorky villain’s dad. The little sister is so cute, and I love the scene where the girls make fun of the jogging suit. HEARING AID ON

“The Three Stooges Collection” Vol. 2, 1937-1939. And yes, I have seen all the episodes on this collection in my younger days. Almost thought one looked unfamiliar, but turned out I saw it. Still great humor and priceless. HEARING AID ON

Jackman

“Jack The Giant Slayer”: What a giant, humongous mess! This is that type of movie where the previews of the movie look awesome and fun and you say to yourself, “I wanna see that movie.” I saw it and thought the giants were way too over the top. No female giants; so these giants were created from the gods, the real Titans. Or, do to the hideousness of the male giants, the females ran off and bred the Amazons. I don’t know. I found that the king was too small, giants too gross and certain characters died too soon. Jack was cool, but was better as a zombie. Loved how the 2 headed giant died. Nice! Nothing much else to say. Oh, I think Disney would have done better with Depp as a king’s soldier, or possibly even and an old man Jack (no, not Capt. Jack). HEARING AID OFF

Man, This Is Weird

“Bloodsuckers From Outer Space”: Man what a great ride. Talk about cheesy goodness and not on a burger, this one did it. The best is the Hillbilly Jim look-a-like who keeps saying the word weird throughout the movie. Another great moment is when the scientist offers another scientist some relaxing drugs and a bottle of Jack. Oh, oh, another awesome sweetness was the General Sanders. Man this movie was top notch bloodsucking fun, and will not make your blood boil due to the utter helplessness of receiving feeling that you have just wasted your precious sleep time watching a low-grade B or possibly lower lettered movie. Put this sucker in (pun intended), grab that homemade popped popcorn with extra salt and watch with eyes wide open, or in my case, half open (I stayed awake watching this just for you). You know why this movie is lovely, because it is weird. HEARING AID ON

Stupid-Fu

“The Man With The Iron Fists”: Gosh dammit! Look at the screen, there are a bunch of clowns doing kung-fu. Hell, that would have been better than watching this movie. Picture this: tall clowns, midget clowns, fat clowns, colorful clowns starring in a kung-fu movie. Now that is pure entertainment because everyone hates clowns, yet would be willing to watch kung-fu clowns in a film because it hasn’t been done yet. This film was over the top, and no one would have been able to beat that X-men rip off character that Batista played, especially a loser blacksmith that happened to be black (to quote Curly, “What a co-inkidink?) Seriously, if you are going to torture me with over the top fight scenes, hair and acting, at least show me some boobs in the bathtub scene; women do not bathe in a bathtub with clothes on. Why show the scene? I think someone should make a bunch of What If comedy movies (title idea from Marvel comics) in which someone makes a movie that removes the stereotypes from one culture and gives it to another. Henceforth: a movie where a Westerner visits Asia and realizes no one there does martial arts but makes spaghetti, pizza, and does that thing that mobsters do. Or whites were enslaved in Africa, in which USA came about: United States of Africa. Basically, taking the stereotypes and creating humor. I know, who cares about my movie lackluster thoughts, but more importantly who cares about this movie, which got a HEARING AID OFF from me.

A Broken Corpse

“The Amazing Adventures Of The Living Corpse”: Hated, just hated the CGI or whatever the hell that is called used to create this hodge-podge of groupthink (just felt like saying that). If one were to actually pay attention to the film, one can notice that the overall idea is terrific, but there are so many storyline plot points that are simply missing. How did the Brainchild know the Living Corpse was around? What is up with all those stupid monsters, especially the woman one with the large mouth? And why is there a secret society of kids? What is that building the kids are in? Countless questions for a movie that should not have been watched because I would not have wasted my time watching the movie and asking these questions on this blog. Or do I just waste my watching all these movies and blogging about them? Or is everything I do a waste of time, because at some point I will die and none of this will matter, unless I have an amazing adventure as a living corpse. So much to ponder. HEARING AID OFF

“Broken City”: An entertaining movie that kept my interest and kept me in the dark for all the possible outcomes for each scenario plot. That is the only reason why I give this movie a HEARING AID ON; it kept me glued to the screen. Oh and this movie got me thinking about politics. Every wonder why there are so many politics involved with everything, whether it is with politicians, family, friends and work? It never ends does it? Those with power sometimes abuse it; those that are devilish sometimes use it; those that are dirty choose it; those that are too nice lose it. (Oh so poetic! Whatever. I hate poetry, because I write it every day and it drives me insane.) With all the politics and major schemes and schematics that are deployed in all our facets of life, only one thing truly matters: the good people. Good people are those that live life according to themselves and follow through with their beliefs. Good people aren’t rich, evil, conniving, super smart, super dump, they is just downright good country people, just kidding, I was just alluding to a short story. Good people are just that, good people. BUT the fate of good people are as follows: tragic, lucky or unheard of. I guess we only hear, as good as we can, of those that are tragic or lucky. I’ve always been lucky.

Dead Stooges

“Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things”: Cult clASSic my butt! Only thing classic about this bore of a gore that put me to sleep and made me mad that I fought myself to stay awake, was the footage. What I really wanted to do to was grab my softball bat, walk inside the movie and pummel that goateed dork. What a whale’s sperm! Oh, I loved those outfits, it reminded me of a bunch of court jesters parading around the woods being stupid, which is exactly what happened during the movie. HEARING AID OFF. And I don’t care if this was an indie film, it can still be buried with the dead that didn’t rise and never be exhumed ever. EVER!

“The Three Stooges Collection” Vol. 1 (1934-1936): Well, here it begins, my revisitation of the Stooges, but in chronological order. Amazingly, I’ve seen them all before and still laughed my balls off. Slapstick humor, love it. And I made sure my 2 boys that watched it with me, understood the Stooges hit each other to be funny. I always love it when someone calls them gentleman and all three look behind them. One tip is that when watching Stooges, not only do you have to pay attention to the dialogue, but you have to pay attention to the little things, like crooked swords, background scenery and the clothes worn. HEARING AID ON

Did you say ghetto house?

“A Haunted House”: What ghetto garbage! Come on, what the hell people?! If you gonna make a spoof, put some thought into it and make a quality movie filled with laughs, not the leftover maggot infested rotten fried chicken which was captured on this film. This movie had so many clichés, like stupid thugs and how stupid they talk, use of the n-word (keep in mind, my wife’s family is African American & I have never heard one person in her fam use the n-word. Well, there could be multiple reasons for that like I didn’t hear them, they didn’t want to use the word around a white boy or they have class), black man getting outta prison, black stereotypes, pot smoking jokes, etc. and etc. Not funny anymore, nor at all nowadays, that is so late 90s, early 2000s. Lately, I have been viewing movies with close captions (why I didn’t do that a million years ago, I don’t know (maybe it was pride of me still hearing with my aid and not my eyes)). Oh crapdamn, I should not have had the closed captions on for this movie. I would rather have watched the movie without the CC and not heard a stupid word that came outta any actors’ mouths. It was so sad for me to read what was really being said because it was all stupid, stupid and poisonous to my retinas. I was blinded by the words. Catch-22? HEARING AID OFF (and it literally was, but it still didn’t help). Mother fu@*%$!!!!!!

Ozfest

“Oz: The Great And Powerful” is a great and powerful movie displaying creativity in connection with the original movie with Dorothy and the ugly damn dog. I simply let myself go and become one with the movie. Loved Franco’s and the green witch’s acting skills. It was a tremendously great trip into an old story and staying true to the roots of the previous film. I just wish there was something of the Tinman. But I bet another movie will be made that tells of how the wrinkled witch finds red sparkly shoes and turns young again. HEARING AID ON. Bully! Oh, movie note: Oz is short for Oscar, how cool b/c my son’s name is Oscar. Speaking of staying true to the roots, someone needs to make a new Friday the 13^th movie staying true to the old school Jason. Yes, I’m even talking about Jason X (which I love). So, I propose an idea for a script, of which, if any big shot reads this blog, they can have my idea, as long as they make a new Friday the 13^th that has nothing to do with the remake. Script idea: Jason lands in a lake on the new planet Earth and his uber appearance is burned off and what is left is flesh and metal. He rises outta the futuristic lake and murders the victims within the vicinity of the lake, just like old school Jason. After about 45 minutes of attacking and killing, he comes to a research facility and stumbles upon a time machine. Jason punches in some numbers and returns back in time to the 1980s Camp Crystal lake. And in theory, Earth will have 2 Jasons, but let us not divulge in that scenario. C’mon, we, the movie viewers all know the 80s are making a come back, look at all the 80s remakes (word of advice, never remake an Arnold movie, that is sacrilegious) and 80s fashion the young ones are sporting. The end result is a new Friday the 13^th movie, the franchise goes back to its slasher days, there is that 80s loving feeling, and the Jason fans of the world will be overwhelmed with so much joy, Hollywood will expand the franchise even more and more and more. Now that is great and powerful.

I Am All About My Silver Linings

“Silver Linings Playbook”: Watching the movie previews beforehand, which were oddball and over the top artistic cinema, I began to become hesitant about the storytelling quality of this movie. And poof, the movie melted into my inner being and I love it! Loved the Italian family, love story and constant chaotic commotion in the background. Loved how the parents tried to help their son get better, and how Pat and Tiffany worked with one another and fell in love. I am a man of reading the signs and believing that in the end destiny pulls the strings. One beautiful aspect of not being able to hear so well, is my ability to observe everything around me with a different approach, which is trusting in my sense of sight and my overwhelming reliance on my gut feeling, which has partially taken over my ability to hear (my silver lining). Let me tell you a little nugget of my love story. My wife, but at the time this little nugget took place, she was my new college girlfriend of less than 2 years, wanted to break up with me because she didn’t want to cause strife amongst my family due to her being African-American and me being Italian-American. Yes, my parents and brothers were against it. In short, I made it very clear that this is not how it is supposed to be. How did I know that? My gut told me so. So, we made the most out of our situation, her family accepting us and my family not accepting us (silver lining). Much has changed since those fighting for our love days, nonetheless, this movie drew me in and kept me reeled in. HEARING AID ON

“Ultimate Zombie Feast: Volume 1”: A bunch of movie shorts making up a feast. Think of this as a hors d'oeuvres before you watch all those other great zombie flicks. The creativity is both new and not so new, but in the end, fun all around. It starts with Zombeer & ends with The Book of Zombies, all of which offered a magical sensation to the string of movie shorts leaving the viewer very satisfied with his/her selection of hors d'oeuvres. Word of advice while watching this collection, enjoy the diverse fun of the many cultures adding to the zombie lore. HEARING AID ON

Stupid White Man

“Warm Bodies”: The boneys where damn creepy as hell & I got some new zombie, I mean Corpse’s (closed caption shows the word as being a pronoun, don’t know why) POV & what a zombie does all day. I definitely like the eating of the brains and obtaining the newly deceased/murdered memories (a little far fetched but not as far fetched as zombies: wha? wha? wha?). But after the Corpses recognize some stupid lame observation, they are on their way to humanity. Booooooooooooooooooooo!!! Something was missing from this zombie film: oh I know, the time when no one finds a cure. Cures in zombie movies are as good as boiled donkey balls in hummus. HEARING AID OFF

“The Incredible Burt Wonderstone”: The incredible butt blunderstone. C’mon, people, why is this the matrix for comedies, which turn out to be a stupid and a waste of mankind’s eyes: funny intro, stupid rest of the story where main character is a jerk, jokes are far fetched and being tried too hard, and jerk gets hot girl at end, in which hot girl is like 100 years younger than jerk-hero. Extreme comedy, which is were there tends to be too many forced jokes that simply do not work (Jim’s & Steve’s characters); the viewer cringes while watching and waiting for the unfunny comedy to end so the frail spheres called eyes can stop being poisoned. HEARING AID OFF

“The Lone Ranger”: Man, oh, man do I want to hang out with Johnny; he is awesome and obviously made this movie loveable. Yes, we do expect him to be downright odd, but when he does follow through and provide so much more, it is awesome. The other characters pretty much don’t matter, neither does the plot because all eyes are on Tonto and who cares about the old lone ranger because the almighty Depp wears a bird on his head and walks for miles on end at the end of the movie: creativity people. Gotta love the strangeness within the story simply because none of the story truly matters when there is a white caked Indian man making comments about the spirit horse and white people. HEARING AID ON

“World War Z”: Damn, I’m dead. There is no hope for me fighting those dead bastards, plus I don’t have any government friends. I mean these undead were the most frightening ones I have ever witnessed. If I saw one of those on the streets, I would poop my pants and yell like a girl. Pitt’s character was pretty sweet, just a regular government dude doing his thing and saving the day by being very observant. Hey, I’m very observant: I notice when people where the same shorts for a week straight, which people suck there thumbs and touch the keyboard with the wet thumb and when a little boy is trying to sneak sum chips in his mouth inside the library. It was also pretty sweet how the movie had a very scientific approach to the zombie effect on the masses. One other thing that allowed mankind to win this war on Z was luck. I’m a man of luck, so I guess I’ll shut my mouth, go wipe and head on out to do some Conan the Librarian moves. HEARING AID ON

The Parker, 21 & Kung-Fu Mess

“Parker”: A typical action film about a criminal seeking revenge based on some principle. I love it when criminals, who become the good guys in films, have principle because it adds meaning to the story. BUT when a criminal good guy seeking revenge based on a principle stays true to his beautiful-willing-to-stay-with-her-bad-boy-boyfriend, THAT my friend adds real meaning to me. When 2 people love one another, whether bad or good, there is no need to cheat. For what? One night of getting off with some stranger. Just remain faithful. It’s not hard to remain faithful, it is hard compromising and dealing with the love one to make sure one another is happy and still in love. (The secret is my 3 Cs: Communication, Compromising & Change.) That is why I give this movie a HEARING AID ON: the criminal with principle remains faithful to his girlfriend even though he had a chance to cheat. What a man of principle (plus I am a man of principle)!

“21 & Over”: I went back and forth with this one. You know, what makes this one different than the other drunken chaotic movies I have seen over the years? That Jeffchang man was awesome in all those bar scenes. Loved the bull riding scene and the multiple ways he kept showing his ID. Hollywood should just have a drunken movie with that dude. The real beauty of this movie was the ideology of friendship. We all have had (should have had) that close knit group of buds at one point, only to lose the closeness and regain it at parties & other social events. I got those buddies. Hung out with the neighborhood boys in high school, but got closer during college (lots of boozing), but even closer during my dating days (more boozing), but went astray once began having a family (even more boozing). It is only the many aspects within the circle of civil society. We all have a role within ourselves as friends and all friendships are different. This movie did that for me, it reminded me of how I value my friends from every scenario of my life, and how I want to having a couple, just a couple more beers. HEARING AID ON

“The Butcher, The Chef And The Swordsman”: Obviously trying to be way too creative. So it became obviously way to dumb to watch. And I obviously finished watching it and wasted way too much of my time in doing so. HEARING AID OFF

Omega Nothing

“I Am Omega”: Not really, truly not really. A psychotic lonely man eating pills, training and doing a great deed by blowing up a city is pretty sweet, but not the way he goes about it. The movie had potential, but the way the lonely man loses to 2 hillbillies is pathetic. And don’t get me started about radio broadcasting because I haven’t the slightest clue as to what is being put forth, all it is is talknoise to me. Talknoise is a jumble of mumbo jumbo language that I know is English but cannot make it out one bit due to the very robotic, low, fast blur type of talk. Even better than the drunken rock scene is how the lonely man gets shot 3 times at close range and still manages to save the day by jumpstarting & pushing a stick shift, drive the car, kill big spined monsters and the hillbilly, and save the wife-look-alike. HEARING AID OFF

The Oak And A Scooby Snack

“Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated” Season 2, Part 2. Addiction. 13 episodes in 2 days. This new series of Scooby-Doo cannot be topped, maybe, just maybe by the first 2 seasons of the original. Dynomutt & Jonny Quest characters make an appearance. There is even these weird hybrid creatures, in which the queen looks very similar to the alien queen from the Alien movie series. If you have not watched any of this continuing cartoon fun, then you simply lose a great part of your chance to heaven and being a Scooby fan. Even the ending is awesome in which a new adventure will begin in which there will be mystery solving on the road (sound like “Supernatural” tv show? Huh? Huh?). HEARING AID ON

“Last Of The Living”: And the ever endless wave of foreign zombie films in which I cannot make out the accents. Oh, and who cares what the people have to say, the move sucked big chocolate peanuts. HEARING AID OFF

“A Good Day To Die Hard”: Man, it sure would have been better if it was a good day to not watch this movie. I despise sequel movies that have anything to do with a former solo character who tag-teams with a family member or some other reject in an attempt to add a coveted new and adventurous storyline. The only adventure of this movie was trying to read the tiny, extra tiny script for the Russian translations. Did you know, McClane says, “Jesus” a ton way too much? Russians, spies, nukes, millionaires and stupid plots should have died in the script brainstorming session. HEARING AID OFF

“John Dies At The End”: Wha? Wha? Wha? What the fudge is going on in this highly complex tale of a movie. I think I got it. Or maybe not. But does it matter. Not really because there was just way too much being told in a short amount of time. This should have been a tv show, not a 99 minute movie. How come slackers are always heroes now? Nothing against slackers, it just appears slackers fight the good fight with little care as to really saving anything but to get a good rise out of the situation, maybe even to get a girl or a good time in the end. Well, anyways, HEARING AID OFF.

“The Last Stand”: The Oak returns to a star role. Damn was this movie great. Loved the fat-bellied Hispanic man’s attitude about letting it all go and walking away. Funny crap. Sure, I know the movie didn’t do so well in the theaters, but what matters most, is how the movie gave the true Oak fans an action movie from the olden times (80s baby, gotta love the 80s). Even Arnold himself refers to himself, “Old.” However, he comes through to save the day, not because he can or could, but simply because it is what he does. HEARING AID ON