Wolfman, Zombies & Santa

“Wolfman” (1978): And talk about hillbillies in whatever time period this story was supposed to take place. The movie captures hillbilliness at its best: southern accents, sloppy hunters & their lousy outfits, and the blonde goofy one with chew in his mouth and can’t shoot straight (oh, he’s a good on, buddy). The wolfman looked like a fuzzy, wuzzy, furry pound puppy (the stuffed toys from the 80s). Actually, he was much scarier shirtless before he even converted to a wolf. Put a shirt on, you damn, hairy bastard. Plus, no one wants to see your hairy moobs!!!! HEARING AID OFF

“Zombie Lake”: Enter beautiful naked woman who decides to take down the warning sign to a lake and guess what happens to her? You have to, I repeat, you have to see these zombies parade around town. Picture a punch of drunken college football players stumbling from bar to bar. Well, those are the German (not Nazi) zombies here. Amazing, after being in water for years, the zombies’ skins are well preserved and pants are tucked ever so nicely into each boot. Guess where all the townies meet? The local bar. And I love it when a team of basketball girls hit a volleyball around then decide to splash in a random lake, getting all NAKED! That makes so much sense, I mean after all, grown naked women love to splash around with other grown naked women. HEARING AID OFF

“Santa Claus Vs. The Zombies”: Naturally, with a title like that, you know this movie was made in someone’s house with one camera and terrible computer graphics. Best parts of the movie are the elf believing he is an elf, Santa believing he is an actor and the general looks like my buddy Berto. Other than that, the movie should be put on the naughty list and dumped with a bunch of coal and burned into oblivion. My stupid waste of time! HEARING AID OFF