2 Gs

“Gangster Squad”: Opens with a killing of a Russo, most likely no relation to me, because almost all famous Russos, Russo politicians (corrupt ones, as well, like Cuyahoga County auditor) and Italian gangers (Tommy Russo) are from Sicily. My family is from the boot, kicking those Sicilian bastards outta Italy. I know, real smooth. The thing I liked most was how the squad just dove right into action with gusto, balls, no plan in sight and encountered humorous antics. An extremely fun movie capturing a time in which the people of USA once dressed classy while the love of money was corrupt and whacky. The wife was awesome as well, she had class and knew her husband better than he knew himself, that is why she understood her fate and her husbands. My wife is like that. HEARING AID ON

“Grave Mistake”: No, I am not gonna say this movie was a grave mistake. Too, too cliché. If you ever torture yourself in watching this grave mistake of a movie, notice the Mike character has so much resemblance to me from my very long hair days; sporting the Jesus look, along with the Cro-magnon brow. Bizzaro. Hell, if I was in this movie, I would have made it a blockbuster. Buh! Who am I kidding? Huh? Wha? Did you say something because I am experiencing a HEARING AID OFF.

Please, Awake Something

“Awaken The Dead”: Buh! Too bad this movie couldn’t keep me awake in bed. A loser, ex-assassin priest, of whom wears a rosary around his neck (no Catholic priest does that) & a stupid assassin’s daughter play dummies that stay alive from demon looking lamers of zombies. The film was gritty dark, dialogue utterly dead boring & shock of it all, it was all an experiment from yours truly, the USA gov’ment. I reckon, dat dam gov’ment and der dam gov’ment seeeecrets gonna kill us all. We all gonna die! My italicized previous two sentences are more entertaining than this bore of a waste of my life of a thing called a movie. Before you awaken the dead, please awaken the viewers. HEARING AID OFF

Bring On Osombie

“Expendables 2”: Immaculate. Sure it was cheesy, goofy and downright chaotic. BUUUUUT totally reminiscent of 80s action movies. Naturally, look at the cast. I love how everything was done tongue in cheek and everyone was made fun of each other/themselves. Simple plot, simple characters and tons of awesome action-ness. Another beautiful aspect of this movie was how it reminded me of the G.I. Joe comic stories I read in the 80s & 90s: a small handful of soldiers, with codenames, have a mission, blow stuff up and save the damn day (note to anyone that wants to make another G.I. Joe movie, for the love of fans, make it simple, just watch this movie and borrow some ideas. Here’s a great G.I. Joe title: G.I. Joe: Springfield (fans will understand). Hell, I’ll write the script if need be, I got an MA in English, creative writing emphasis. I can make it happen, cheaply). Okay, back to the movie. I loved seeing Arnold & Sly together, which should have been done back in the 80s, but I’m sure both egos were through the roof. So much more can be said, but I’ll end it with: IMMACULATE HEARING AID ON.

“Osombie”: Just a great fun movie. You take a real event and zombify it. Pure fun entertainment and great zombies, along with idiots having fun with zombies. One cannot have fun with zombies. You know people shouldn’t play with dead things (I know, that phrase is taken from a movie). Dead things that are reanimated need to be rekilled. Do it. Do it now! HEARING AID ON

“Murder Loves Killers Too”: Here’s what you do: break the DVD in tiny pieces, place it in the toilet, take a dump on it, wipe & flush it down. The end. HEARING AID OFF

Ghost Time

“Death Of A Ghost Hunter”: Even though this film was low budget, actors/actresses couldn’t act (which added to the supposed reality of story), narration sucked (b/c I couldn’t read lips) & sound quality was a bit off (loud here, soft there, extremely loud there), I give this movie a HEARING AID ON. Yes, you better believe it. Two things did it for this movie, the opening scene when the baby is crying and being placed in the bathtub, & the holy spiritualist named Mary. The drowning of the baby touched my emotions because I have a little one and the crying reminded me of my little one trying to communicate with me; it was heart-wrenching. But Mary, oh that Mary she was damn freaky all around: her eyes, her walk, her eyebrows, her voice, her overall weirdness crept me the hell out! How about that scene where she pees on the clothes, which to me was more disturbing that the baby being drowned. And that creepy ghost girl, along with the whole idea of freaky religious nuts going to extremeness added me having a “suspension of disbelief” (how’s that for Brit lit?).

For Movies 4 You

“Grave Of The Vampire”: Hm. Okay. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Huh. Wha? What a dedicate mother! she cut her boob so the hampire (half human/half vampire) baby can feed. Zzzzzzzzz. Huh. Wha? Hey, that hampire has hair, big collars, pants & boots just like Elvis. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Huh. Wha? Oh, the movie is over, or is it? Zzzzzzzz. HEARING AID OFF

“Texas Chainsaw”: I forced myself to watch this, even though my nephew said it was good. I had to give it a try and loved it. Hear me out (the best you can & pun intended), I hated the original, the 3 sequels & the remake. But this one made Leatherface, I mean Jed a person to root for. People invade his territory, well, hell now, they askin’ for some trouble, southern style. (Notice the similarity between this movie & the “Friday the 13^th” remake, in terms of killers.) This movie was classic horror, not the demented psychological weirdness that injures the psyche of the movie watcher; it had that 80s slasher quality. Oh, we cannot forget that sexy Sawyer, that seemingly decided not to wear her bra the second half of the movie. (I enjoyed the running to the payphone scene, thank you very much). And those damn hillbillies and their version of poetic justice, thank goodness they all died. Just wished one of them were chewing tabacky & got their throat slit only to have tabacky juice flow out. HEARING AID ON

“Beneath The Surface”: An extraordinary lame attempt at modern zombie voodoo. A lame looking Marilyn Manson kid falls for a somewhat hottie cool chick that is dating a douchebag boy. The rest of the story does not truly matter. If the DVD was mine I would have dug a hole and buried it beneath the surface, AND left it there. HEARING AID OFF

“Love Is A Many-splendored Thing”: Academy award winner or not, this love story sucked as much as the lead woman looked any bit Asian. Eurasian my ass, more like Eurass. What am I even talking about? Moving on to more important nonsense, this movie had no idea what love was. True love? More like true lust. The two lovers, I mean lusters were just enjoying the first part of their relationship, lust. We have all been there. First stage of a relationship is the infatuation of one another’s physical attributes, sex organs, smells, thrills of being naked and close. Then after that, the real world sets in, like dealing with one another or one’s family’s views, figuring out each other’s strengths, weaknesses, likes, hates, then dealing with the other’s annoyances. The next stage is molding into one another so that each think alike. And the grand finale stage: kids, bills, alcohol/drugs, shattering of dreams, divorce & death! The lusters never made it to the next level while alive; so lame. HEARING AID OFF

Lorax And Beasts

“Beasts Of The Southern Wild”: This film left me purely feeling disgusted. Don’t get me wrong, I am a soul believer in using what one has/making do with what one has, but to live and sleep in filth. Just gross and grosser. I do not feel sorry for any of those living in the Bathtub, because it seemed all were there by choice (excluding the children). How about that “Girls, Girls, Girls” joint? Wow! And I am sure many do live like those on the Bathtub, and there is nothing wrong with that, whatever floats their boat. Oh, the one thing that kept bothering me was thinking about the smell of rot, filth and fish. Even if I was boozed up every waking moment, I still wouldn’t be able to martyr the stench. HEARING AID OFF for the way the movie made me feel, that is, dirty and filthy and damn stinky.

“The Lorax” (the one voiced by Danny DeVito): I am the Louax, speaker of the movie. I can lovingly give this movie a HEARING AID ON. The movie is cute, creative and full of messages. The best was the songs, especially the one involving Once-ler singing “How bad can I be.” Brilliant! I said, “Brilliant!” Due to the little boy in me, I always have a soft spot for animation movies, especially ones that have goofy fish & bears do oddball things for no reason, like bathe in teacups or make random noises throughout the film. Oh, and that marshmallow scene: brilliant!

Those Damn Werewolves

“Werewolf In Washington”: Boy, was I taken by surprise. At first, I thought the movie was a choppy terrible film that was going to make me visit the Sandman. “Oh Papa Sandman, sing me to sleep tonight,” I sang to myself. Luckily, the movie kept my interest and made me laugh once I started paying attention to what was really happening. The movie is a comedy and pretty sweet. I just wish I wasn’t so tired and I would have laughed a ton more. Even though the werewolf acts more like a dog than a werewolf, the werewolf’s antics work. Funny, cuddly werewolf. But the main winner is the President and his fellow political cohorts. Damn funny. “You’re right, Jack. You are the werewolf,” says the President. A continuous comedy of an unheard gem that downright should be seen by all. Plus the older guy from “Quantum Leap” is the lead actor. HEARING AID ON

Gangsters With Zombies?

“Gangsters, Guns And Zombies”: Aside from the obvious fact of me missing about a third of the dialogue due to the British accents, I thought this zombie movie scored big. I did make out the f –word a ton, along with “bloody hell” & “futbol score.” But what mattered most was the story. The plot was simple, realistic and a good time. This zombie movie made you feel like you wanted to grab a couple pints and join them in the van. Love the foot stomping scene, reminded me of “Shaun of the Dead” with all the repeated, unnecessary use of force and energy. However, I was a little puzzled as to which mafia this crew belonged to: British, Italian, or Irish? I am going to go with British-Italian mafia based on the head guy named Frank, British accent, and the stylish suit he wore the entire movie. HEARING AID ON

Atomic Poop

“Atomic Age Vampire”: At what point do movie makers not realize that this recipe does not work: mad scientist, mad scientist’s goon of a helper, complicated cheap looking gadgets, experiments gone wrong, love woes and nuclear energy. This so-called vampire movie was dubbed in English thus allowing me to not comprehend any audibles. I have no idea how the vampire survived with such nicely, manly features. I guess, I must have not heard right or at all, or maybe I dozed off into the atomic age sleeper. You know it as HEARING AID OFF.

Kill This Joe

“Killer Joe”: This was a recommendation from a cousin and here we go. And a nice punch in the nose that was. Did you see that? Unfortunately, I do wish I did not see this movie. It was quite disturbing. McConaughey reprised his role from Texas Chainsaw Massacre 4, but this time he was terrorizing a trailer park. And boy did I learn how trailer park people live: drunk, high, walk around with beavers, invite killers, plot schemes and not be aware of what the hell is really happening in the world. Dammit, will you shave your damn whiskers, dad! The chicken leg scene was downright ridiculous. You know what, the damn movie was ridiculous, especially since the viewer is never told why Dottie can figure so much out. I guess we are to assume so much and you know what happens when you assume? We ASSUME wrong 50% of the time. But I know I am not assuming this when I blog it: HEARING AID OFF.

Ralph & So-called Zombies

“Wreck-it Ralph”: And damn o’ damn what a tremendously creative movie. Everything from plug-in station to the bad guys (notice the Street Fighter II characters, which where made into G.I. Joe figures in the 90s), from the animation to the Candyland raceland place. The little girl, the Glitch was so damn cute and funny, almost made me wish I had a daughter. I even got teary eyed at the bitter end, simply because I am a warm and squishy kind of guy. HEARING AID ON

“Astro-Zombies”: Please rename Assnut-Zombies. Just an all around buffoon of a movie. A mad scientist pushing buttons and mechanism that have no logical value or meaning, who tells his numbnuts of a coworker about how everything works. Then you have squeaky voiced bad hair detective playing with a fuse box he has no idea what is going on in that box while his red head girl gets attacked by an assnut-zombie. BTW, all the men’s hairdos were terrible, my leg hairs look better. And the best part of it all was the white chick who made to look like an Asian woman. Where that that racists or did Asian women cost too much? Sing with me: dance naked painted lady, oh dance naked painted lady, oh dance naked painted lady. C’mon everybody sing it: dance naked painted lady, oh dance naked painted lady, oh dance naked painted lady. HEARING AID OFF

“Ghost Galleon”: The only thing special about his movie was that the ship rocked me to sleep. HEARING AID OFF

Wolfman, Zombies & Santa

“Wolfman” (1978): And talk about hillbillies in whatever time period this story was supposed to take place. The movie captures hillbilliness at its best: southern accents, sloppy hunters & their lousy outfits, and the blonde goofy one with chew in his mouth and can’t shoot straight (oh, he’s a good on, buddy). The wolfman looked like a fuzzy, wuzzy, furry pound puppy (the stuffed toys from the 80s). Actually, he was much scarier shirtless before he even converted to a wolf. Put a shirt on, you damn, hairy bastard. Plus, no one wants to see your hairy moobs!!!! HEARING AID OFF

“Zombie Lake”: Enter beautiful naked woman who decides to take down the warning sign to a lake and guess what happens to her? You have to, I repeat, you have to see these zombies parade around town. Picture a punch of drunken college football players stumbling from bar to bar. Well, those are the German (not Nazi) zombies here. Amazing, after being in water for years, the zombies’ skins are well preserved and pants are tucked ever so nicely into each boot. Guess where all the townies meet? The local bar. And I love it when a team of basketball girls hit a volleyball around then decide to splash in a random lake, getting all NAKED! That makes so much sense, I mean after all, grown naked women love to splash around with other grown naked women. HEARING AID OFF

“Santa Claus Vs. The Zombies”: Naturally, with a title like that, you know this movie was made in someone’s house with one camera and terrible computer graphics. Best parts of the movie are the elf believing he is an elf, Santa believing he is an actor and the general looks like my buddy Berto. Other than that, the movie should be put on the naughty list and dumped with a bunch of coal and burned into oblivion. My stupid waste of time! HEARING AID OFF

Outpost

“Outpost: Black Sun”: These zombies are amazing and ruthless, but the storyline stunk like zombie flesh. Yes, these are everyone’s favorite type of zombies: Nazi zombies. Sorry, no Hitler zombie. Although the zombies were killed in an odd fashion, which I did not like at all, and did not eat flesh, the things simply killed: think of many Jason Voorhees in Nazi attire running around the woods. Because of accents I stopped listening to see where the story was going and watched the badass zombies huff & puff on the television screen.  HEARING AID OFF

Flight Of The Vampires

“Vampire Happening”: Now here is a movie with lots of 70s boobage. You cannot hide from that fact. There is also a scene with lots & lots of horny vampires; it was so outrages that you know it had to be good. Problem is, the audio and lip matching was so out of tune (worse than those classic Kung Fu movies (sadly, this movie was actually in English)). This movie looked like a ton of fun, but I could not follow the dialogue, nonetheless, my eyes never strayed from the breast. Yeah baby! Due to the boobs & horny vampire priests, I give this movie a HEARING AID ON.

“The Satanic Rites Of Dracula”: Almost held my interest with the naked girl on the altar, then I realized she was so, ever so skinny. But the movie dragged on and on and on and on and on. 70s movies are so lengthy, as if tape reels were never going to run out. But one thing that did run out was my interest. Dialogue? Ha, ha, ha. HEARING AID OFF

“Flight”: This movie was recommended by a FB friend. And damn was there so much alcohol abuse! Did you see all that booze that was thrown out? And then he had the nerve to buy more booze. What a money waster?! Three awesome scenes that made the movie: Whip walking to his morning flight bombed but confident, Whip grabbing the tiny vodka bottle, Whip walking to his federal hearing bombed but confident. C’mon, you all remember that walk to the next bar or party in which it is you: the night wind in your face, hair, walking tale and thinking about the next drink to be drunk and person to win over. That is called the drunken swagger yelling out, “Oh yeah! I’m feeling good! Damn good, mind you!” In the end, the movie makes you wonder, “I wonder if the doctor performing my surgery is drunk; I wonder if the mailman is high; I wonder if that librarian is doing his drunken swagger.” HEARING AID ON