Do Not Exit This Movie

“Exit Humanity”: Damn this zombie movie is near perfect harmony of awesomeness: the story is awesome, the zombies are awesome & the clothes worn represent near historical perfectness. Although there are some cartoony pieces, and the length is very long (or does it seem long after having worked, painted for a few hours with a few beers & assisted in dinner & putting boys to bed?) none take away from the sheer poetry of the movie. This movie is pure poetry, almost as if someone wrote a zombie poetry story (I have, of which wife is currently revising). Nonetheless, the movie has to be watched by any die-hard zombie fan & at some point, purchased for one’s own collection. Even the beards look authentic, when is a huge plus for a fan a facial hair!!!! HEARING AID ON

3 Movies For The Weekend

“Moon Of The Wolf”: The werewolf version of whodunit. The main attraction is the sheriff’s immaculate chest hairs. He has more chest hairs than all the hairs on the wolfman itself. Hell, my beard is furrier than the wolfman’s. The hairless wolfman was a disgrace to all dem doggie’s out there. HEARING AID OFF

“Trouble With The Curve”: Old man Clint, hot red head, & awesome Justin equals a movie wonderful. Yeah, the ending fell together way too nicely, but the way the actors/ress performed their roles was flawless. Yep, I still hate baseball but loved it when the big hillbilly couldn’t hit the curve (oops, did I give the premises of the movie away). And why didn’t the red head strip down to her undies, dammit & HEARING AID ON

“Life Of Pi”: Visuals were out of this world, makes me want to get stranded in the ocean, even though I cannot swim. Thankfully, I watched the movie in caps, b/c you know me and those accents. Yes, I can understand my dad’s broken English, but sometimes those movie accents kill me. HEARING AID ON but wish there was no alternate story, just the one with the tiger.

Too Many Vamps

“Vampires Vs. Zombies”: OH MY GOD this movie sucked ass-nuts! Usually, I am awesome at following a movie without hearing much of the dialogue and knowing what will happen. Because this movie had terrible sound, bad footage and useless actors, I have no idea what this movie was truly about and where it was going. I felt like I was in hell and being punished for my sins. HEARING AID OFF

“The Werewolf Versus The Vampire Woman”: You know what, it wasn’t a bad movie, it was just that I had no interest in it. It was just a boring movie with bad sound & I couldn’t tell what anybody was saying because the words didn’t match with peoples lips. Oh, but I did love the werewolf’s voice, it sound like the voice was coming from deep down within a jug, but his voice was so much clearer at the end of the movie, but by that time, I didn’t care about what was going on. Pay attention to the vampire’s fangs: fangs sucked ball juice. HEARIG AID OFF

Another 80s Lost Gem

“Hard Rock Zombies”: If you haven’t seen this movie, here is what you missed: 80s movie magic, 80s music that you hate, 80s dancing that you hate, Hitler (alive & zombiefied), deformed midget that becomes zombie & eats itself, nudity, Nazi zombie (full size & fun size), & a storyline that makes no sense but is so logical. This movie is magical, so magical, most of my English language cannot describe that magicalness! HEARING AID ON

Classic Zombie

"Night Of The Living Dead": This is the original where the black man is alive and shot in the head. The movie is so simple, so real and gotta lotta class. Two things bothered me though: the little girl zombie stabbing her mother to death, it seemed too far fetched, & the black man getting shot by country bumpkins. I think the country hicks shot him b/c he was black, those racist pigs!!!!! HEARING AID ON

Argo F*%$ Yourself

“Revolt Of The Zombies”: Please explain to me how 2 people can walk in water, get out of the water & be dry. Zombies here are Asian and part of a blah, blah, blah. And blah, blah, zzzzzzzzz. Oh damn, I gotta rewind so I can finish punishing myself watching this nonwonderful movie waste my eye-cells. Someone please help me from watching horrible blah, blah, blah, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. HEARING AID OFF

“Argo”: With sweat from the heat and sitting on the edge of the rocker, rocking a crying, hot baby I watched this movie with anticipation. Thankfully, the movie was in color & no voodoo zombies decided to ruin the movie. Even though I give this a HEARING AID ON, I still could not stop looking at Ben’s beard & noticing it was a wee-bit off on his right side (viewers’ left side). The best thing about the movie is that it looked like one was watching a movie from late 1970/early 1980.

Why Was This Included In A Zombie Box Set

“She Demons”: I know what you are thinking, lots of naked chicks running around killing, and blood everywhere. Not even close. There was so much unimportant dialogue that you find your self telling the damn movie to move on/continue with the lameness so the eye-watching punishment can be over. What do you get when you have a Nazi scientist, Nazi soldiers and beautiful women that cannot dance on a deserted, unchartered island? Nothing worth watching. Do not bore yourself to death with this sleeper. Bastardly sad that I did, of which my entire next day has been ruined because of that time it took me to stay up and watch pointlessness. HEARING AID OFF

Supernatural, 'Nough Said

“Supernatural” Season 8 is done & I will wait patiently for the awesome show & awesome brothers to return with the falling (fallen) angels. My wife & I even love this show so much we named our third son after Dean. The season, as well as the show itself, always hits my heart, no not because of Sam & Dean Winchester themselves & how much I want to go to the bar with them & get polluted (that is only part of it), but because of what their brotherly love represents: brothers forever. With that said, this show touches upon my heart because of my wishes and something that will never again happen, simply because the window of opportunity has closed along time ago. Sam & Dean squabble, fight, & sometimes refuse to look for the other if one has gone to hell or purgatory. But in the end, Sam & Dean, just like the end of this season, remain brothers, possessing bonds far greater than familial love, but eternal love, that exists beyond our realm. My three older brothers abandoned me when I chose to love, marry & have children with a beautiful (and sexy) African American. If I were Sam & Dean’s brother, they would be proud I was living a normal life. HEARING AID ON

Longest Title Ever

“Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies”: Horrible, horrible, horrible waste of my life. The only thing this movie has going for it is the title. With a long ass title like that, you know the movie is going to be outright trash. If you do wish to watch this movie, put it in, close your eyes, fall asleep & wake up after the DVD player & tv have automatically shut off. The scariest thing in the movie was the gypsy woman’s mole. That freaked me out. I swear the hairs on it had a 3-D effect. Absolute HEARING AID OFF. If you wear a hearing aid & you wanna watch this movie, take it out and stare at the constant dancing of the early 1960s and wonder why mankind would create such a film.

Black Is King

"King Of The Zombies": Yes, the zombies here are associated with the Voodoo kind. Yes, there is no eating of any sort. Yes, all the white actors are lame and pointless idiots trying to do nothing important. BUT, one particular charactor is ha-ah-ah-larious. The black "servent" of Mr. Bill is so damn funny, he steals the entire movie. Everything that comes out of his mouth is funny, but most of all, his actions and big eyes popping out are funny shith! That dude alone makes this movie a HEARING AID ON. If you ever watch this movie, pay attention to Mr. Bill's "servant" at all times, also notice how he is always being put in his place, but in the end, he comes out alive and even has the last word (which I couldn't really make out, nonetheless, the last word).

Ain't No Power There, Boy!

"Hand Of Power": Oh dear, why do I put myself through such agony! For you, of course. This was like watching a kung fu movie in terms of audio. My god man, I could not make out a damn thing. In the hour it took me to watch this ever so slow sloth movie (even used the fast forward button & still so damn slow) I made out a couple words, like zombie, Zombie! & a scream. Other than that, the dubbing was off & pretty sure a foreign movie, due to all the actors/actresses having Swedish names or something of that nature. Forget about me trying to read lips. All it was, was a mystery that ended with a Scooby-Doo ending (BTW this movie was made in 1968 & I believe Scooby came out in 1969), the unmasking of the skull stupid head. I am so mad I wasted my chance to sleep to watch this movie. I would rename this movie Hand of my Ass, and have the skull man go fart people to death, much more entertaining. HEARING AID OFF

A Comedy & A Nonzombie That Is Supposed To Be Zombie

"The Five-Year Engagement": This movie was recommended from 2 coworkers & both said it was hilarious. So, it took awhile for me to warm up to the movie, simply b/c I had great expectations. The movie grew on me, but was also hard to realize what the hell the fiancee & her side were saying. It is so funny, I can understand broken English, like how my dad talks, but those British/Irish accents in movies, I cannot take. Hate 'em. Any who? What are you, an owl? Who? Who? Who? (Lame, yes.) What the hell, I am getting sidetracked. I give this movie a HEARING AID ON for one scene only: when the dude was having sex with the young girl from behind & he fell asleep, then she gets mad & he wakes up all confused & decides to spank her ass. Man, that was tip top funny & so real. Yes, we all have had those moments, mine have come with way, way too much alcohol. But the good thing about being in a relationship, those sexual mishaps can be talked about and laughed about. As you know, I am a sucker for romances, so this turned out to be a warmer upper to me. BTW, I grow way better facial hair, however, I cannot rock out those amazing knitted warm sweaters.

Now people, you want a movie to knock your socks off, well then, go grab a copy of "Superargo." (This copy is from A Big Box Of Zombies 4 dvd box set). Wow, what a movie. This dude is a real super hero that is a well known hero & a wrestler. The mask never comes off, so no one knows who this guy is in the "real world", but a man who can be reached to fight major crimes. I believe DareDevil stole his costume. Superargo can jump like no other and toss some major lumber. Check out the robotic panty-hosed zombies he fights. The best parts of it all is that the sound quality sucks, the spoken word is not in sync with lips & I can tell that some are speaking English, but for some I think Spanish (there might be some dubbing). So, with my hearing abilities & a crying baby in my arms, I had no idea what was being said. Regardless, it was an awesome adventure b/c I believe Quentin Tarantino could make a killing off some remakes of this movie. Potential I say & a HEARING AID ON.

Punk & Zombies?

"Pop Punk Zombies": I wanted to jump in the damn movie, grab that hatchet and kill both zombies & the living. Their stupid actions, talking & singing drove me crazy. There was too much thought process & not enough zombie killing. Kill, or rekill the damn dead already! HEARING AID OFF

"I Eat Your Skin": What the hell? No skin was eaten. Please retitle: “I Eat No Sking.” I did see some alcohol consumed, so I guess that is alright. Why is a writer that popular with girls? I got no girls hanging around me. Oh yeah, and a whole lotta shaking and baking doing the voodoo dancing. And a mad scientist creating zombies with stupid eyes and looking like mud creatures.

Teenage Mike Of Magic

“Teenage Zombies”: Oh yeah, that’s a good one because there is not one zombie that is a teenage. But you get all those other goodies from the 1950s like mad scientists and gorillas. You ever wonder why gorillas were a big thing back in that time period. And yes, the teenagers were actual teenagers and damn near a goofy bunch, but brave. A natural story that is boring and not a zombie in sight. HEARING AID OFF

“Magic Mike”: Hm, still wondering why I watched this movie, and I bet you are wondering why as well. I just wanted to see Matthew dance and play guitar. Damn, former WWE wrestler (Tarzan) could not bust a movie, it almost seemed he was gonna break a muscle if he danced too much. The story was pretty boring and lame and a pointless movie unless you wanted to see Matt shake that thang, like me. Ha ha. But in the end, the movie was a waste of my damn time, however it did make me want to start working on my midsection a lot harder and sooner. HEARING AID OFF

Emotionless Teenagers

"Teenagers From Outer Space": If you want to watch a pointless boring movie that is not a product of its time, but rather a dull ongoing movie that you will find yourself dozing off amongst the constant monotone of each actors voice, this is the one. No inflection of actors voices and boy oh boy, there was not one teenager from outer space. Why did the aliens have to be teenagers, they sure didn't look it. I would have preferred Teenagers that were horny and wanted to cause havoc to humanity to grow their only form of meat, lobster. And beware of the giant lobster creature that will grow a million times its size. Whatever, you stupid, stupid movie. HEARING AID OFF

Always Gotta Be Sinister

"Sinister": Alright, I loved the twist from human crimes to supernatural crimes, but come on, why must evil always win. Nowadays, in the movie industry, evil tends to win and there never seems to be a possibility in defeating the evil. Since I love nearly all 80s movies, it seemed that decade was always about the good vs. the bad & the good won, but sometimes temporarily. In this movie, obviously evil wins with no slowing down. However, with a certain tv show that involves the Winchester brothers, evil can almost always be defeated. So in this film, Sam & Dean would have found a way to destroy the evil, why didn't the father do that? HEARING AID OFF

What A Lame Flesh Eater

"Flesh Eater: Revenge of the Living Dead": Oh wow, what a so, like, unoriginal movie. Please note, their fashion and dancing sucked rabbit poop. The flesh eaters always went for the neck, as if vampires, as well as used weapons to kill. The end was the best, the survivors are shot on sight (sound familiar). A 90s lame fest with idiots running about in acres & acres of land only to be attacked by the same couple flesh eaters, only Jason (hockey masked killer) is allowed to do that. Watch this movie only if every zombie movie is erased from existence and human memory. HEARING AID OFF

A Boo Boo

"Yogi Bear": Yeah, I watched Yogi cartoons when I was little and thought this movie hit the spot. It was a fun kid's movie and gave me a few laughs. You know, I couldn't help but think of the neighbor from "The Honeymooners" being Yogi, always did. Did you notice that Mr. Ranger had a very plastic looking face at times. He could have ben a manniquinA pic-a-nic HEARING AID ON. What you say Boo Boo.

Zombies Breaking Me Down

"Redneck Zombies": I could not wait for this movie to end. It was Toxic Avenger zombies. Just whacked out stupidness that dragged on. The best part was the fat man boozing every time with a new bottle each time. HEARING AID OFF

"Z.A. Zombies Anonymous": Finally, I get a zombie winner. Zombies trying to fit in with society. But it was kind of awkward for zombies to eat other zombies, but it was nice watching the beauty in zombies. Give it a swirl people, and you'll find yourself wondering who you would root for. HEARING AID ON

"Breaking Bad." Season 2. Man, what a bummy bummer. There was way too much drama and as my wife pointed out, predictability. It lacked the intensity of season 1, but I will carry on with the next season. Just hoping Walt will get some into some bloody action and do some gang banging. What's up, yo! Yo! HEARING AID OFF

Now onto a touchy one; "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel": And I am a sucker for love, I have the heart of a poet, b/c I am one. Even these old timers seek love. Man, we all seek it from the moment we get wind of it. But love is different for us all. I teared up when the young Indian couple made a stand and professed their love for one another, then the old Indian man made Sunny's mom recall a similar situation. Ah yes, the things we do for love. I lost my three older brothers due to me falling in love with my wife. My brothers didn't approve of my choice of love (her skin color, & left us to live our lives). I'd do it again and again. This movie's power came from the ability for one to do what one feels is best, regardless of age. HEARING AID ON. Oh, I almost forgot, thank goodness I watched this movie in close captioned. British accents are the worst for me, pretty much inaudible.

Oh My Abe

“Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies”: Okay, okay, we all know this movie was made b/c of the popular Lincoln movies made and the continuous craze for zombies. Yes, not only has Honest Abe fought the Confederates and vampires, he now goes after zombies. The idea has potential but the zombies and Stonewall sucked. The zombies would fall asleep standing up until someone made noise and poof the damn things would spring to action. Not a very good addition to the zombie lore. Stonewall’s beard and actor both sucked the high hyenas that died forty years ago. But Abe was awesome and loved everything about him: his look, walk, demeanor, and his sling blade, but why on earth have him dumb enough to care for a zombie whore. Sure it added a cool, new dimension to the shot in the theater part of his life, but it was plain dumb and ruined the movie a pinch more. Why can’t people just put it in their heads to take the kill-as-you-go-approach b/c everyone knows the zombie you let leave, kills some innocent hottie. Just like, when one knocks out a psycho killer, don’t slowly creep over the knocked out body, grab an object and smash the skull to tiny wet, dust mite pulps. Just do it. HEARING AID OFF

More Nazi Zombies

“Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies”: A foreign film dubbed in English and boy was that a treat for me. I couldn’t focus on reading lips too much because the English did not match up to the spoken word, therefore my brain could not register what was really being said, so my brain shut down in the paying attention department. Pretty much all I made out was “treasure” and a whole bunch of screams. Too much time focused on travelling, therefore the fast-forward button became really handy. The zombies reminded me of garbage pail kids. It is so amazing that things that slow can be so deadly. There was no bloodsucking, but a whole lotta sucky movie. Wish I could go inside the movie with flashlight so I could see the images better. You guessed it! HEARING AID OFF