Stole My Damn Time

“Identity Thief”: Is it me or does Bateman always play in movies where he is the victim or always needs a shoulder to cry in. Hm, what type of movie was this? A movie in which Hollywood people want to grab an actor or actress that is currently up and coming and hot in the movie scenery (in this case the chubby actress), throw the person in a clichéd movie script and make some dough. Don’t get me wrong there were some funny moments.  I watched the movie not liking it, then ended it kind of liking it, then woke up and hated it. This movie has been stored in my extra short term memory and will be that movie that will never be watched ever again. My brain is currently repressing the movie into oblivion. HEARING AID OFF

2 Outs By The Seagalmaster

“Out For A Kill”: Out for nothing. Here the great Seagalmaster is a professor with a secret past, which doesn’t matter. Picture the picture I plant for you on how this movie is portrayed, because it is far better than the actually movie. Trust me, my analogy is far better, plus you’ll never have to treat yourself to watch the over weight Seagalmaster movie rot your gracious brain cells. Imagine the Jolly Green Giant (JGG) strolling along from USA to Bulgaria to France and a few other places in between. Better yet, imagine a twirling globe and JGG taking huge leaps from point A to point B on the globe, and ever time JGG lands in a particular locality you are given a time of day that truly never matters. Oh, JGG has very frizzy green pea pod hair in the back of his head. JGG also can read Chinese and fights crazy mystic masters of martial arts that toss and twirl in midair after being pummeled by JGG’s fists. JGG’s fighting style is very slow, so slow you think the movie is in slow mo, of which most of it is. As JGG walks through the towns, he disappears like a glimmer. JGG never removes his leather coat. JGG seeks revenge. JGG walks on into the shading shadow of the sun to only be left growing in the seeking sadness of a newly horizoned sun. HEARING AID OFF

“Out For Justice”: And give my main main event Seagalmaster the bad assed prize of being that Italian cop who is out for justice. Gino DOES not mess around and YOU do NOT mess with Gino, whether you a criminal or in the mob. Seagalmaster is awesome as an Italian. His walk (which is his natural walk) is Italian, his greasy ponytail is Italian, his hand gestures are Italian, his bad ass attitude is Italian, his Caprice he drives is Italian (my brother & nephews have one each), his facial expressions are Italian, and even the way he plays Gino is Italian. How about that pool ball fighting style? Ho’ man, DO NOT mess with the Seagalmaster’s success! (Shortly after this film, my other brother carried a pool ball in a handkerchief around in his coat pocket). This movie is what action is all about: the good guy doing what needs to be done against the bad guys and only the good guy comes out triumphant and is not stopped by a mere bullet. Hell no! Bullets do not stop the Seagalmaster, he never acknowledges when a bullet shreds his skin and innards. HEARING AID ON

Another 2 For Seagalmaster

“Fire Down Below”: I believe this film gives the Seagalmaster the spoof name of Cockpuncher. He busted so many balls with his fists that I believe he punched out all the sperm and left every male in the film, including the male viewer shooting blanks for the next 16 years. The story line was asinine, whatever that word truly means, but it seems like if fits this movie appropriately. But the fighting scenes were great stuff. What wasn’t great was Seagalmaster’s jackets; all three were bad: all black long coat, all brown long coat with dangling shreads & the most atrocious-hideous of all was the pink zebra long coat or whatever that leather mutant he wore. But beating on those poor dumb 90s haired hillbillies was ultimate pleasure. Normally, I have no idea what Seagalmaster says, because he mumbles his language conversations, but with closed captions, aw man, he has some brilliant one liners. Due to the fact he is almost expressionless (except his first few movies) and his line deliverance with zero intonation equals pure entertainment badass joy. His fight scenes truly to amaze me, till this day. Would I lie. HEARING AID ON

“Hard To Kill”: What a guy! Nearly superhuman they say. And what do you know, he has a secret past that extends to China and mystic healings and ends in him becoming a cop in a bad American City. Badass Seagalmaster on all levels, even how he makes the same sex moves on each of the girls: butt grab, then boob cup. I wish there was no showing of his amazing comeback, (amazing things are happening at Metro blah blah blah, stupid commercials & damn hospital bills I am still paying, but have a healthy son. Indeed, amazing.). He punched the rope board with tender playfulness, ran like a buffoon up a dirt hill road, & did is chop suey chops with such sloppiness that I would never have guessed he knew his martial arts. Seagalmaster can still beat those bad guys pretty damn bad, and how ‘bout a double barrel to the mouth; take that to the bank! HEARING AID ON

Friday the 13th Sex

“Friday The 13^th VI: Jason Lives”: Ah, yes, we meet again old friend. And guess what? It was a whole new experience. I watched the movie in closed caption and got to hear all those lame 80s expressions. I watched this movie and got lost in the days of my youth when I cherished the hockey masked killer. And I still cherish the hockey masked killer. Jason’s power was awesome, uncanny and godlike. This movie is the first time the viewer gets to witness Jason as a zombie. In the previous films (1-4), he is still a living being (or appears as a human in someone’s figment of his/her imagination). But not in part 6, Jason is a reanimated corpse. But as we all know, he is not your typical zombie. Jason does not eat human flesh or crave for the almighty brain, but rather is fueled by revenge. Loved the scene when he is atop the RV: now that was a truly great cinematic moment, very Oscar worthy. The mask is sweet and how he snapped the sheriff backwards; oh what a crunchy crunch sound. I bet that back snapping scene tickled a bit. Also note, Jason enters the water without being afraid of it (unlike the stupidity of Part VIII). Jason went in the water to kill Tommy; Jason held no fear, instead the bloody craving of destruction. That’s my man. One tiny problem with the movie: Jason has the power of Hercules, yet cannot break the chains under water. But, I let it be. You got to let it be. Let it be. Let it be Jason and me. Oh let it be. Let it be. Let it be a sequel and me. Oh let it be. Oh let it beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. HEARING AID ON

Seagalmaster

“Under Siege”: I’m just a cook. A lowly, lowly cook. Or, I’m just a blogger. A lowly, lowly blogger. Well, weren’t we all in for a crazy surprise when the Seagalmaster opened up a cake of whoop ass. I have to point this out, Tommy Lee Jones seemed so out of place. He also kind of reminds me of Shemp; they both have a very ugly (sorry Tommy, I had to say it) face. Naturally, my favorite scene was when Miss whatever year (does it matter?) jumped outta the cake. Okay, okay, my real favorite scene was when Seagalmaster tries to bust a move with the skinny black guy down in the cook area. The end result in all this craziness was Seagalmaster’s moves and destruction of the bad guys. He is fast, sometimes sloppy, but shows very powerful moves and we can envision the utter out of this world ahurting the Grand Segalmaster has bestowed upon the evil weirdo ship overtakers. An action classic in my book. HEARING AID ON. P.S. Have you every looked at an actor/actress on screen and watched them appear to be so sincere in their acting that you think it is genuine and real? Seagalmaster does that for me with his smiles. Oh, his running is atrocious (from other movies, not this one).

“The Glimmer Man”: Seagalmaster with K. I. Wayans. Damn those two are tall smuckers! Love when Seagalmaster has a secret past (which is nearly every movie). How about that restaurant scene where he picked up the phone, talked, kicked some butt and answered the phone on the way out. Smooth, simply smooth. I hate his jacket (ugly jackets becomes his forte in some movies). To wear a jacket like that means one is full of one’s own jack-assedness. Say it like this: jack-ass-id-ness. Nonethelessness, bad-butt action scenes with so many useless subplots, I love it all. Wayans had some nice one liners, but I couldn’t take him seriously while he cried in the movie theater. Still, Seagalmaster wins my heart in this film. HEARING AID ON

No More Scary Movies, Please

“Scary Movie V”: A couple funny scenes but way, way, way, way over done, fried, washed up, over the top and straight out stupid. Best part of the movie was the bloopers. Snoop was laid back and funny. Most scenes were just outrageous and didn’t create laughs but cringes (you know what I mean: watching movie and wondering why an actor of that stature would be in a movie, say this and do that and in the end not be funny; all for money? A job is a job, is it not? Look at what we do at our daily jobs. Sometimes we ain’t proud, but we get paid for the unproudiness). Why have a little girl (or was it a boy being a girl) dry hump or stick a tooth brush up her butt? That is just wrong and ridiculous. I remember the first few Scary Movies being pretty good with somewhat good storylines, but I think now-a-days movies like these are done for. Movie spoofs are great, but there has to me a sense subtlety. Can that been done? Of course. I know I can make it happen, if I had the resources and some bigga shith (as my dad would say) offered me some dough to write a script. After the movie ended, I asked myself why I watched this, because I have some Steven Seagal movies to watch. Why do I poison my mind with rotting filth? Why am I even watching all these movies? Why am I writing a blog? Why was Scary Movie 5 ever made? I would rather watch Seagal talk mumbo jumbo gumbo, wear a weird fuzzy hair-do, be way overweight & hunt down vampires (which is a movie I’ve seen a long time ago, or maybe a combination of Seagal movies mixed in my brain over the years). HEARING AID OFF

No One Has Fallen

“Olympus Has Fallen”: What? Another movie about a president being assassinated. Kind of, but an awesome movie with Butler being bad-ass hero. All you have to do is sit back, and enjoy the show because it is a captivating experience. Love the ruthlessness of the terrorists and Butler, especially the knife to the head scene. I am pretty sure, Butler could make this character have many sequels, like the Die Hard films. I keep using Butler because I can’t remember his character’s name, oh wow, here it is right on the box: Mike Banning. Maybe Mike is a relative of Bruce or maybe not. Banning is big, fast and can fight anything that comes his way. We need more heroes like him in movies. Hollywood, just make another sequel with this character: call it, One More Fall Won’t Hurt. HEARING AID ON

“42: The Jackie Robinson Story”: And what a story. I love movies about strong individuals that overcome the racial barrier which was caused by stupidity. Yes, we all know Americas racial history, but as we should be aware, racism is everywhere. Look at Mario Balotelli for Italy; the first black player on the Italian national team to play in a major tournament. Mario experiences racism all around him. I am always amazed that someone could think s/he is better than someone else with a different skin color. It doesn’t matter what skin color one has because there are idiots, heroes, hotties, uglies, dummies, and geniuses of every skin color out there. Okay back to the movie, the movie was captivating. I caught me eyes widening at each new scene. I didn’t want to peel away my eyes from the screen. Robinson’s actor wife was a cutie; reminded me of my wife prior to her crazy kinky curl days. One irony is how I hate to play and watch baseball (b/c I could never hit the damn ball in my grade school baseball days), but I do love baseball movies. I also think that the African Americans that have changed the course of USA’s racist stupidity of the past were strong unique individuals and were simply always meant to be. Although, I possess a boring skin color of light peach, I can say I am not totally the hodge-podge of ethnicity and nationalities which makes a real American American. I am not a totally boring person in US of A; I am Italian-American and the this country was built on those Italian laborers’ backs. On the spectrum, my beautiful gorgeous wife is African-American and this country was built on African-American’s blood. In short, our children have a ton to be proud of and a ton of problems to eventually deal with. HEARING AID ON

Tom & Lincoln Again

“Killing Lincoln”: Is it titled “Killing Stinkoln”? Yeah, yeah, another film with Mr. Hanks. But he was a narrator of the so-called movie. Best part of the movie was the Prez actually looked like himself in real life (that doesn’t even make sense, but I like it). As I struggled to stay awake I found myself waking in the middle of the night with the menu screen on. Dammit! I feel asleep, now I gotta torture myself to finish the so-called film. Maybe I am not interested in the killer of Lincoln, or maybe I just prefer Lincoln killing vampires and zombies and whatnot. I reckon so. Okay, I’ll pull something positive outta the film. In retrospect, knowing what I learned from my MPA days, Lincoln was going to be lenient on the South, but after he was killed, Andrew Johnson was even more lenient (I think). Is the South of USA the way it is because of the assassination? By saying the way it is, I am referring to the way it is now. You know what I mean. I ain’t a gonna spell it out for yer. Okay. Okay. Hot in climate and racist. Naw, naw, just a messing with y’all. But it was crazy that Gen. Lee said that one of the worst things for the South was the assassination of Lincoln. Here we have it, a man assassinated and the outcome is a still racist South and Lynyrd Skynyrd. Just messing with y’all. Again. But I ain’t being funny about my HEARING AID OFF for this one. Booth sure as hell talked mighty funny and slow, thankfully I had closed caption on, so that I was able to read what he said before he even uttered a full whacko sentence. He actually made no sense to me, it was as if he was in a Shakespeare play the whole movie. I reckon, his soul deserved more. Buh, yeah right! This movie needed more of my presence in the movie saying, “Huh?” or “Wha?” or “Wesorts. Wesorts. Wesorts. Wesorts.”

Our House Story

“The Money Pit”: Welcome to a movie that portrays my wife’s and my new country home adventure. What goes on in that movie is happening right now, ‘cept we are not rushing out to fix everything very fast (even though my wife wants to), obviously the almighty dollar is at play. Onto the movie and enough of my worthless existence (not my wife, life is worthy of her). Watch the staircase collapse, watch the tub splash, watch your loudness of your laughter. The movie is HA-ah-ah-halarious. Tom Hanks, young funny one, makes too funny of faces and makes great wise cracks: “Ah. Home, crap home.” Notice all the secondary actors, all products of the 80s. It seemed that the actors were the norm for every 80s movie, and that suits me just fine. What a demolition crew: the pure beauty of the eighties, however, still not a fan of the 80s big hair, but I do love the tight clothes the ladies wore. Oh behave! Meow! Meow. Come to think of it, how the hell did midgets get into the mix. Nothing against the little people, but they always make scenes look out of place because it seems like screenwriter sits back and thinks of ways to make scenes seem weird and out of place; “Bingo. I got it. While there is all this chaos, let us throw in a few midgets to mess with the viewers mind. The viewer will be like, “Whoa, that is quite odd. I do say! Odd, odd and mighty strange!” I know, nobody says that. Guess what else nobody says: I give this movie a HEARING AID ON.

Seagal Is Above Us

“Above The Law”: Here he is at his bestest: Steven Seagal & playing an Italian (one of the many nationalities Seagal portrays. This movie was great, always has been, even if Seagal is now fat and has a strange crop of hair on his head. The bone crunching and martial arts was awesomely entertaining. Although the storyline was far-fetched, but what action movie isn’t? Far-fetched movies are what we crave, yet the storyline also has to be simple like an Italian comes to American, becomes a martial arts master in Japan, is recruited by the CIA, fights in secret Vietnam wars, leaves CIA to becomes a cop and is above the law. That is a recipe for sweetness, my friend. Yes, it is. All hail Seagal and my HEARING AID ON.