The Heat Needs No King

“The Heat”: There is a deadbeat chubby, short cop that kicks ass, and a pole-up-her-ass agent. We know where the story is gonna go, and know there will be a hunky dory ending. BUT, what is truly amazing about the chubby, short cop is that the deadbeat cop with a good heart is a woman. That is funny and uncommon. I liked that. The humor was raw and realistic, and Bullock played her roll the usual: versatile and pretty dam sweet. She is actually an amazing actress. As of today, she is my favorite actress. I have never had a favorite actress; I’m a guy and like pretty much only action stars, because they make action cool. How ‘bout when chubby cop falls from the fence: ouch that tickled (say it with Elmo voice, then laugh like Elmo because it is funnier that way. Dammit!). Drunken bar scenes are always good times in my book. Ah, yes, the stories people have of me in my drunken days. One time, on my 21^st birthday, I got sober outta my mind. Tricked you didn’t eye. Okay, so I got polluted on booze. On the way back from the bar, I started running through traffic to get to the other side, yelling and screaming wildly. On the way back to the dorm or car, can’t remember, we walked into an alley way and there is a huge metal sign being held on huge wooden beams. Does it matter what the sign says? Not really. I get into my three point defensive line stance, pause, burst forward from my stance and drill it with my shoulder. Down goes the sign, and I walk victoriously back to wherever whence I once came from. Ah yes, my AC days. Love it. Love it. Loved ‘em all. What else? The very best scene of the movie is Biff from Back To The Future, as the commander cop; he tells about how he is 43 and his son calls him grandpa. Oh snap, that is damniest funniest line I heard in a long hearing aid while. HEARING AID ON

Go Gollum Go You Damn Ugly Beast

“The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”: More like an unexpected long ass movie. Day 1: stop & sleep. Day 2: stop & sleep. Day 3: pause & fall asleep unexpectedly. Day 4: perseverance is the key to some odd success here. I think the book is shorter, & ya I know, this is the first installment of a trilogy. So excited that I can wait a very, very long time before I see any of the others. No, the movie was not bad, it was epic in terms of length, I just wish I didn’t have a cold, 3 boys that have a cold, a wife that has a cold, work, a house that needs work 24-7, baptism party to plan, & tenants to work about. But life goes on; every day is an unexpected journey. You know what, what a lame subtitle. The movie was fun and Gollum was creepy as creepy as a creepy crawler could get. Geez, my precious. My precious, yes, my precious, give this move a HEARING AID ONses. I do give it tha., I loved seeing ugly weird beard dwarves, hobbits with their ugly feet, trolls of trash and hideous goblins. The ugliness never ends in this movie. Nothing beats a wizard wielding a nasty blade, and that continuous sweetness of a fighting scene in goblintown. Goblintown fight seen made this movie earn the HEARING AID ON FIGHT SCENE OF THE YEAR AWARD. 

Team Of My Dreams

“The Dream Team”: This was the dream team around before NBA’s Olympic dream team. So, these guys were legit and not to quit. Four psychos prowling around NY with very perturbed minds, creates a story so worth seeing. Michael Keaton looks like a demented psycho and fits his character well and Peter Boyle, who I always and forever see as Young Frankenstein’s monsters: aaaaarrrrrrrgh! Young Frankenstein was hilarious, the dude looks creepy and it is so amazing that a guy who looks the way he does, you know, the balding look with tufts of hair on the side (the look my dad sported and still does) and make movies and TV shows. Check out Young Frankenstein in the Baptist church scene, too much. Even Tony Soprano’s shrink is in this movie (very, very skinny). The plot was great, the actors were great, the adventure was great: so true for an 80s movie.  Think of it this way, today’s standards of making a fun silly movie requires too much inappropriate language and gestures with a male’s penis. I hate movies that have a male’s wiener exposed; it is not the snake that bothers me, it is the hairy mess around it. At least show a handsome man’s Johnson dangling about, rather than some negative length of a fatso full of fur. HEARING AID ON, for the movie that is.

Old Sport

“The Great Gatsby” (2013 version): Leo looking handsome and the woman he dreamt of being with is ugly. The woman being fought over is not pretty in terms of dying over/fighting over. Even if she is amazing in bed and appears as a good girl in life, there is someone out there that is hot, beautiful and sexy in bed that is worth lying for, dying for and eying for. The blonde in this film is not worth that. Also, how does one say he loves someone (that person being Mr. Buttcanon), yet still have a fling with another woman in a secret apartment? That is preposterous, old sport! Indeed, old sport! I’m an old sport. You’re an old sport. That guy is an old sport. Old sport. Old sport. Told the old sport he is an old sport and you know what the old sport said about being an old sport: he hated being an old sport. Imagine that, old sport? The movie was lavish and created a great amount of desire from the viewer to want to jump into the movie and be entertained by the Gatsby party. I know I did. Gimme some weirdoes and strangers to party with over the normal crowd any day! Ever go to a party with your friends (the usuals), but at the party there are a huge mix of individuals that are making the party happening, yet your usual friends feel uncomfortable and want to leave, but you don’t because you are having a blasty blast. The college parties I went to at Adrian College were like that, you know, the odd mix of fellows: hotties, jocks, stoners, nerds, oddball old guy, townies, druggies, shy ones. The atmosphere was intoxicating and you don’t want the night to end because the now is now and the future always seems brighter full of booze and good times. Mr. Gatz, a crook by trade but with the heart of a lover dreamt of bright days in a mansion of excess with one ugly blonde. In our lives, we all fall in love (or what we think of as love at that time) with someone that is a dark cloud (but not dark at that moment while in love) and brings life into the gutters without really knowing life is going down the toilet because love overshines it all. Oh yeah, let is shine, let it shine. LET It shiiiiiiiiiiiine.That one person that you think you love, actually turns out to be a burden of heavy dirty coal, and possibly, a forever headache and you just wish that person was dead or on a nicer way of saying things, that you never said/did the things you did while in fake love. Poor Mr. Gatz should have stuck to his Blatz and partied with different actual hotties for a few years, then settled down or going back to be lonely. But he couldn’t because he was a romantic and would die for love. How about Peter Parker going insane with booze, depression and whatnot? Poor Peter probably missed his Aunt May. Poor old sport.The partying was fun, the buildings were spectacular and Leo was the usual Southern crazy gentleman I want him to be. Leo is a very classy guy, as well as ageless like Depp. I do hope that one day Leo and Depp star in a movie together with Depp being the sinister bad guy and Leo being the hero of the day. Actually, I think Leo would be an awesome late son of Indiana Jones & Depp could be a crazy take over the world kind of guy. “Gee, Brain,  whatcha wanna do tonight?” Same thing we do every night, give it a HEARING AID ON.

It Really Did Seem All Bad

“It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time”: It seemed like a good idea at the time to decide to not watch this movie; but you know I couldn’t, but I just wish I did just that. On the cover of the movie, it has a huge picture of John Candy, with his name in bold red letters at the top. John Candy has the best scene in this movie, in which he falls out a window, grabs a rope while falling down, swing crashes through a window to land as if nothing happened. Yet, of the 91 eye-sleeping minutes, John appears in less than 10 minutes of the film. What is it with 70s movies? They suck tremendously. Well, the majority I have seen this year. Maybe I just pick bad ones and force myself through eye hell. The storyline is whacky dump boring: it appears someone picked up a camera and started filming in the middle of a plot and added ridiculous noise effects to no avail other than to make the viewer cringe and want to press the fast forward button NOW until the credits rolled up. Nothing of this movie truly made sense and I have no idea why anyone would want to act in this movie. I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time. Regardless if it did seem like a good idea, this movie gets a HEARING AID OFF, from the man who can use such a phrase.

Attack The White House, Again

“White House Down”: Okay, so there are a plethora of movies being made about the White House being terrorized. So, shoot me for thinking this movie was a fun one to watch. I love the fact that the president can be African-American and it is nothing shocking. Hm, I wonder why that is? Ever since G.I. Joe, I can only see Mr. Tatum-taters as Duke. He was awesome as Duke.  In this movie, I envisioned him as a down and out G.I. Joe that was trying to find a little side work while on some R & R. Duke was funny. Duke ran a ton. Duke seemed to be a bad booty dude kicking some stupid internal terrorist assnuts. I say assnuts and some of demnuts. After the assnutts where kicked, I thought the Prez & Duke made a good combo. Loved the realistic approach to the Prez (losing the bazooka) and watching Duke book his booty from one place to another.  The viewer could see Duke’s athleticism.  Oh, one more thing, how about the bazooka to Duke’s face. Funny. I loved the funniness mixed with the serious ridiculousness. Does that ring a bell of 80s for ya? Why are the top brassnuts of the military so gung-ho about following some asinine orders and always believing they know what they are doing and not listening to the lowlies? Notice that the pilots aborted their mission at the last second. Odd of a military, but not unheard of. What Would Joe Do? HEARING AID ON

Breaking Balls Bitch

“Breaking Bad” season 5: Walt is in the empire business. What a joke! Who says that? Oh yeah, I know, a cocky chemist that has been in the meth business for a year and cooks the purist meth for all druggies. As well as a person that has become delusional with the American Dream. Did you know that the American Dream is actually to make as much money as you can? Money, money, money is what the founding father’s wrote into the nation’s constitution without really stating that outright. So, maybe Walt isn’t that far off. He needs to make the perfect meth to make unknown amounts of money for a family that hates him and doesn’t know him. Money honey. Life equals money. Liberty equals money. Pursuit of happiness most definitely equals money, money, money and mo’ money. It is all about the Benjamins. Oh yeah! (Say “Oh yeah” with a Beyonce singing voice). Were not all our founding fathers loaded with money? Why are the presidents and politicians loaded with money?  Bring on the dough, and I don’t mean play-doh. Doh! Poor Jesse. I love how Jesse says Mr. White. It is so clear, as in Whyy-ite: Mr. Whyy-ite. Anyways, oh no, Hank found a clue while taking a dump. Now that Walt has become a douchebag bad guy that cannot be a loving husband & properly take care of his kids (he is no Tony Soprano, that’s fo’ show), he must go down. I caught myself wanting the episodes to end. HEARING AID OFF

Stooges Internship

“The Three Stooges Collection. Volume 7: 1952-1954”: Still rolling with the Stooges: bee-bee-bee-bee, as Shemp would say. Out of the shorts shone, there are only a few classics that I recall having seen in the past and laughing out loud. Most shorts in this volume I have not seen, but there is a reason for that, the shorts are not funny. I mean, not funny one bit. Moe still has his mean charisma, Shemp is still as ugly as ever and Larry still appears awkward at moments when he is taking a leading role. Some of the episodes were really cool in terms of making fun of their time period, like bebop and using slang. But nothing was better than Moe calling some Italian character whose name was Antonio Zucchini Salami Gorgonzola, “Piason!” Sadly, by the end of the volume, there is a ton of footage recycled to tell a new familiar story: old footage, new footage, back to old, then new; but cleverly done. It almost seemed harder work to combine old footage to a new storyline. Sadly, I have to give this volume a HEARING AID OFF. Sorry to the Stooges resting in the next world.

“The Internship”: And not a great movie by any means, but a movie that hits home for an older person’s heart. Forget about Wilson & Vaughn and their we-play-the-same-character-in-every-movie-act. Forget about the viewer knowing the outcome to the story. Instead, enjoy the show, its message and the movie’s ability to reach inside of somewhere inside the depths of your zombie infested brain (at least that is how mine is). Here we have all the Google stereotypes: brainiacs, oversmarts, nerds, turds, fatties, Patties, and on and on and on, then the 2 old interns. Did you hear that? It was the dramatic entrance theme song. 2 old guys, well, according to all the 20 something year olds, that is, want something better and go through the whole fitting in thing. What captures my heart, is the youth and how I was them; that is nerdy (yeah, I was, but I also had a little jock in me), shy with the ladies (thank god, my wife, who is a hottie BTW, found me interesting) and clung to a few neighborhood guys I knew (friendless beyond the area I grew up in). But, I never stayed in my little shell for long, ‘cause once college came, I flew like a long-haired wild butterfly, and all the while, I was always true to myself. There is no doubt, I am an odd ball, yes sir, Mr. Grinch, I’m a strange one, the fact remains is that I remained true to myself: being me. “Being me” is different for everyone and what I found out, people like the real people they see in front of them: mad, angry, funny, drunk, happy, crazy, wild, calm. People like people that seem unique but aren’t because nothing is truly unique in this world. And everyone looks for something in someone that is memorable; that certain quality that separates that certain someone from everyone else. I know I can indent a memory in everyone I come across. The question is: Can you leave a lasting impression on your fellow man by simply not trying to impress, and being yourself? HEARING AID ON if you can and for this movie.