G.I. Bullet To The Dead

“G.I. Joe: Retaliation”: This is what I call a garbage rendition of my childhood and current favorite anything. G.I. Blow My Assnuts. Absolute filth this film was. Now, I will not be nice about this review because G.I. Joe drips in my blood and has always allowed me to escape reality by enjoying countless adventures with the toys, as well allow my mind to drift by reading the comics. Why is Roadblock even a main character? Why are all Joes dressed the same? Why leave Destro? And countless more questions. I liked how certain things were done: Duke dying like he supposedly did in the cartoon movie; Zartan being the Arishkage ironsmith and killing the Hard Master; Zandor being linked to Zartan, his brother, Flint & Lady Jaye having a thing; Storm Shadow slowing his heart beat to appear dead. Bruce Willis acted as Bruce Willis not Joseph Colton, which there was too much of Colton in the film. Roadblock is a heavy machine gunner & a cook, that is all (plus he can rhyme really good). This Rockblock, I mean Roadblock, I wonder who he was. Flint was so lame, he should have be firing away on his shotgun, not be looking like a frightened boy the entire movie. And thank god Cobra Commander was given a normal mask attire; he was probably the most accurate portrayal of any toy line in the movie. Another thing that annoyed me was how Firefly & Storm Shadow kept taking off their masks. Damn dude, that is what made Cobra appear badass as a toy, they all had sweet helmets & masks. Just leave the damn masks on and act like a Cobra operative. Snake-Eyes should not have even been in the movie, he did nothing but play Spider-Man in the mountains. Sadly, no not that I watched this movie, but rather I will have to own this movie (all versions of it) for my collection one day. One more thing. What the f was up with the Marine’s slogan of Oorah or any variations of it used? It is Yo Joe! Yo Joe! Yo goddamn Joe! You damn idiots! Yo Joe! Yo Joe! And Joes don’t buy each other beer, rather, it is YoJoe Cola. Dammit. HEARING AID OFF!

“Bullet To The Head”: Too bad Stallone is up in years because he has been making some awesome movies lately. The guy is awesome in body & movie storylines (and lame one-liners). This film takes the 80s action recipe: action, hero, little bit o’boobs and body count. Why was that Korean such an asswipe. I mean the entire movie, he forgot how Bobo saved him repeatedly. Everyone in the world should know there are no black and white, but various grays. That tall dude was a bad ass whacko. I hope to never encounter the likes of that psycho. I think he should just have his own movie called Warrior Psycho in which he goes around being a mercenary and has a psychotic breakdown and kills everyone insight, or maybe have the actor don the hockey mask for a future movie. I love the way the guys moves. HEARING AID ON

“Evil Dead”: here is the remake version. Naturally, I hate remakes because I am looking for something else to keep me interested, not asking, “Why the hell was there a remake of this movie?” This here version was utterly gruesome, plus I allowed myself to get lost into the movie, especially when the Jesus look-alike kept surviving every brutal beating he got: painful, especially the crowbar to the hand, that had to have chipped a nail. Mainly, this movie has been redone before, notice Evil Dead (original) and Evil Dead: Dead By Dawn were very similar. So, it was okay to remake Evil Dead, of which this film could have been considered a sequel if the Book of the Dead had a face on it. The movie worked and made me cringe with the sawing off of the arm (glad she felt so much better) and the ripping away of the smashed hand by the car (you can just hear (well not me) the bone and flesh ripping away): YUCKO! The demon human creatures reminded me of The Ring girl, but it was a trip watching the evil demon do its work and how those in the cabin tried to survive. Yes, I give it a HEARING AID ON, but no one can do an Evil Dead like Bruce Campbell. Hopefully, I’ll buy this movie at S-Mart, because I only want to shop smart. Groovy!