G.I. Bullet To The Dead

“G.I. Joe: Retaliation”: This is what I call a garbage rendition of my childhood and current favorite anything. G.I. Blow My Assnuts. Absolute filth this film was. Now, I will not be nice about this review because G.I. Joe drips in my blood and has always allowed me to escape reality by enjoying countless adventures with the toys, as well allow my mind to drift by reading the comics. Why is Roadblock even a main character? Why are all Joes dressed the same? Why leave Destro? And countless more questions. I liked how certain things were done: Duke dying like he supposedly did in the cartoon movie; Zartan being the Arishkage ironsmith and killing the Hard Master; Zandor being linked to Zartan, his brother, Flint & Lady Jaye having a thing; Storm Shadow slowing his heart beat to appear dead. Bruce Willis acted as Bruce Willis not Joseph Colton, which there was too much of Colton in the film. Roadblock is a heavy machine gunner & a cook, that is all (plus he can rhyme really good). This Rockblock, I mean Roadblock, I wonder who he was. Flint was so lame, he should have be firing away on his shotgun, not be looking like a frightened boy the entire movie. And thank god Cobra Commander was given a normal mask attire; he was probably the most accurate portrayal of any toy line in the movie. Another thing that annoyed me was how Firefly & Storm Shadow kept taking off their masks. Damn dude, that is what made Cobra appear badass as a toy, they all had sweet helmets & masks. Just leave the damn masks on and act like a Cobra operative. Snake-Eyes should not have even been in the movie, he did nothing but play Spider-Man in the mountains. Sadly, no not that I watched this movie, but rather I will have to own this movie (all versions of it) for my collection one day. One more thing. What the f was up with the Marine’s slogan of Oorah or any variations of it used? It is Yo Joe! Yo Joe! Yo goddamn Joe! You damn idiots! Yo Joe! Yo Joe! And Joes don’t buy each other beer, rather, it is YoJoe Cola. Dammit. HEARING AID OFF!

“Bullet To The Head”: Too bad Stallone is up in years because he has been making some awesome movies lately. The guy is awesome in body & movie storylines (and lame one-liners). This film takes the 80s action recipe: action, hero, little bit o’boobs and body count. Why was that Korean such an asswipe. I mean the entire movie, he forgot how Bobo saved him repeatedly. Everyone in the world should know there are no black and white, but various grays. That tall dude was a bad ass whacko. I hope to never encounter the likes of that psycho. I think he should just have his own movie called Warrior Psycho in which he goes around being a mercenary and has a psychotic breakdown and kills everyone insight, or maybe have the actor don the hockey mask for a future movie. I love the way the guys moves. HEARING AID ON

“Evil Dead”: here is the remake version. Naturally, I hate remakes because I am looking for something else to keep me interested, not asking, “Why the hell was there a remake of this movie?” This here version was utterly gruesome, plus I allowed myself to get lost into the movie, especially when the Jesus look-alike kept surviving every brutal beating he got: painful, especially the crowbar to the hand, that had to have chipped a nail. Mainly, this movie has been redone before, notice Evil Dead (original) and Evil Dead: Dead By Dawn were very similar. So, it was okay to remake Evil Dead, of which this film could have been considered a sequel if the Book of the Dead had a face on it. The movie worked and made me cringe with the sawing off of the arm (glad she felt so much better) and the ripping away of the smashed hand by the car (you can just hear (well not me) the bone and flesh ripping away): YUCKO! The demon human creatures reminded me of The Ring girl, but it was a trip watching the evil demon do its work and how those in the cabin tried to survive. Yes, I give it a HEARING AID ON, but no one can do an Evil Dead like Bruce Campbell. Hopefully, I’ll buy this movie at S-Mart, because I only want to shop smart. Groovy!

Three Mimesis

Hey hearing aid on/off fans, thanks for the 2000 mark & sorry for the wait. Made a move from city to country (future blog will be created). I'm going country!

“Mimesis: Night Of The Living Dead”: The previews made me want to watch this movie and I was excited to watch this movie and I was extremely happy I watched this movie. A clever idea using a preexisting movie and a fun watch. The great thing about this film was that the main characters, well at least the majority of them, were smart enough to figure out what was happening and win. Another excellent aspect of this movie that made me give it a HEARING AID ON was that the heroes of the film actually got to walk away alive and good finally won. As we all know, today’s horror flicks are over the top and evil, the type we don’t root and toot for, win and win and win and good never prevails. The evil I am referring to that we cheer for are those slasher icons of the 80s. Majority (about 95%) of modern horror (2000 & beyond) still I hate you.

“The Three Stooges Collection” Volume Five: 1946-1948: Why soitenly I give it a HEARING AID ON. This is the volume where Shemp comes to the little screen and adds his humor, which is pretty funny. The shorts with Curly are not very great ‘cept Three Little Pirates, because Curly is sick in real life and one can see it on the films. The other thing to note is that when Shemp comes on hand, the scripts have great storylines and not one Stooge (like Curly) is the main focal point (there is also less slapstick involved). I also feel that Moe is better than ever wist his one liners and his reasons for hitting the other Stooges: a smack to Larry’s face and Moe answers with, “That was for nothin’.”

Spring My Ass

“Spring Breakers”: Better off pouring your 5 day old garbage filled with poop diapers, rotten fish & raw chicken juice onto your bed, and lie in the pile of filth than watch this movie. What did the writer of the film think, “Oh, I know, I’m going to make a film that is an extra long rap video with a bunch of scenes that don’t follow.” I  almost wondered to myself if there is something wrong with me not liking a movie with skinny white girls dancing around on the beach drinking like crazy buffoons, giving the middle finger, and showing their titties (my wife hates that word, I’m not fond of it either, but felt appropriate to use it in this blog). Maybe it is because I’m married, have 3 kids, still party. Is it? Maybe it is because I am not a teenage boy. No, that can’t be, cause my testosterone is still flowing full force (a pro and a con). What the hell can it be? I know, the gangsta life because I am not a fan of movies about ganstas. No, that isn’t it, because there are some good ones out there, like “Next Day Air” or the ones with fat Seagal and a rapper. Maybe I disliked the movie because the dudes were drinking Natty Light and wasting so much booze by throwing it all over the place (which is alcohol abuse in my book). Wait, I got it! The movie is STUPID. Everything about it is stupid (except the black booty scenes, I know, I know, I’m becoming stupid like this movie). My advice for the boys: fast forward all the scenes and stop where there is nudity. My advice for the girls: don’t waste any of your pretty time on this and hang out with your BFFs. HEARING AID OFF. Honestly, what was the point of this movie: to waste my goddamn sleeping time. I hate you for this creation. 

Stooges 43

“Movie 43”:  A comedy with short films comprising an entire movie. This would have worked back in the 70s with the “The Kentucky Fried Movie” or a National Lampoon movie with the spoof shorts, but this one didn’t tickle my funny bone much. Yes, the neck balls was pretty funny, along with the basketball skit being utterly hilarious but, the end result was me wondering why the dude who played Gen. Hawk in the G.I. Joe movies wears his hair like he is a skateboard punk when in actuality he is an aging dude sporting a bad hair dude, dude. The stupid cat scene was way over the top, but the Halle Berry skit was nice, too bad each couldn’t REALLY be that BIG. What else to blog about? If one were to notice, it seemed like this movie was the 90s version of SNL. Remember when SNL had nearly every skit full of raunchy humor, or sex related humor that became too much and to a point where the viewer laughed outta respect for the show, not because actual humor existed. This film allows one to feel that way; the viewer has respect for the famous actors/actresses, but in the end, the viewer wonders why his time was wasted to view a very unimportant film, which if it were to disappear for all eternity, the viewer wouldn’t have to wonder why really famous actors/actresses took part in the film. HEARING AID OFF

“The Three Stooges Collection” Vol. Four 1943-1945: I’m not going to wait until the end, so HEARING AID ON. Notice the years are WWII years. So, there were some shorts with the war propaganda that I didn’t care for, but enjoyed it for what it was. Moe does awesome Hitler impersonations & wonder why Stooges didn’t rip on Germans more since all three were Jewish. However, the Japanese, (constantly referred to as “Japs) were made fun of a ton. Moe still has awesome one-liners like “Wake up & go da sleep!” or “I’ll gouge your eyes out!” or “Blow out the candle or I’ll blow out yer brains.”  One should also pay attention to Curly’s voice, it is gradually losing its high pitchness and changing into something different (probably a precursor to his failing health) but the Stooge is still amazing with his loveable noises and faces. Nyuk. Nyuk. Nyuk.

Ride Nowhere

“Promised Land”: Well, I thought I had an idea of what the movie was going to be about based on the hodgepodge of previews I haD seen: one politician vs. another. Boy was I wrong, and what a huge twist to the movie about the Athena dude. Once the viewer is submerged into the movie dealing with the usual city verse country attitude, one will know the outcome. But, it is all about how the movie arrives to the outcome. I love the heart of the country bumpkins and how they love their land (one day, I might move out into the country, working on house purchase as I type right now (or as you read right now) (of which I’ll start a new blog and I have an awesome title for it, but I won’t tell XOXO)). Best scene is when Matt Damon is at the bar and gets into it with the good ol’ boys about not understanding why they stay and not take the f u money. Any light hearted movie that deals with good country people always touches my inner being. HEARING AID ON

“The Last Ride”: Yup, I reckon this here movie is ‘bout the country singer, Hank Williams, I reckon. Right kind of you to read this blog, ya’ll damn hillbilly. Sadly so, one needs to know something ‘bout Hank to be right familiar with this here kind o’ movie. I reckon that was my mistake, and sho’ would be sad fer me ta say, this here film should had been called “The Bore Ride”. Well, boy, I think fer sure the best part ta film was when Hank referred to the driver as a hillbilly. Hm, I reckon I need to explore why southern boys refer to other southern boys as hillbilly. The ride scenes were boring, the movie was boring, not because this here film took place in a Caddy, but simply because it was not entertaining ta me. I sho’ did reckon, movie did not hold ma’ interest at all. I do believe that is the case, I reckon. HEARING AID OFF

What A Great Combo

 “The Three Stooges Collection” Vol. 3 1940-1942. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. Watching these shorts in chronological order is awesome. I get to witness the gradual progress of additional stage sounds (like a swoosh sound), new one liners by Moe (too numerous to count) and the continuous hilariousness of Curly. I always knew Curly was funny, but he is amazingly funny. He has the voice, the face and the onstage antics that are nonstop actionfun. Watching him perform is a treat because I just realized he is unique and no one can be as crazy, funny and continuously upping his acting game. The guy is prolific in his comedy hilarities. Also believe there was one episode I had never seen before: Matri-phony (none of it is familiar; sadly it did not give me as many laughs, but kept me intrigued). HEARING AID ON

“Gossip Girl” Season 6. Hold on, don’t you go judging me now. And for the record Chuck Bass is greatness, and always a treat to watch. Speaking of treats to watch, the hottest female on the show is Lilly, what an ageless beauty and a sexy Milf (reminds me of Deborah Santillo (from my group of peoples here in Cleveland)). Lily is perfect to watch and I love her mannerism, so delicate, classy and sexy; having her love Bart again, what a barfy idea. Ten episodes made up this series finale and the first 8 drove me mad with the stupidity of characters’ maneuvers and motives, and the odd plot lines of what characters normally wouldn’t do but decided to do this season aggravated me constantly. My facial expression was frozen with that look of I just saw a naked rotten zombie eat the back fat of a hairy man, and simultaneously crap digested hairy back fat out of its rotten anus. But, watching Bart fall and the chaoticness of the final 2 episodes was all I needed to give this season a HEARING AID ON. Ya sure, I had my doubts, but just like some things in life, it worked out. Serena and lonely boy always made a good pair. The key to loving this show is watching Lilly closely, and listening to everything Chuck Bass & Nate say. The one liners are through the roof. 

Just Bring It

“The Garbage Pail Kids Movie” was garbage, garbage, garbage. Yes, this was an 80s movie that captured the cheesiness of some 80s movies made for kids, and the outlandish fashion that was so bad that one now cannot believe people of that era thought the fashion was cool (note the scene in which the kids make a coat for the boy to impress Tangerine (Wow, what a stripper name! (Why, oh why?))). Yeah, I had the sticker cards and so did my friends (my fav was Tattoo Lou). As I stared at the un-humorous movie (even having footage of the Stooges didn’t help), I wondered to myself, yes I did, and while I was doing that, I was trying to recollect if I liked this movie as a kid. The garbage pail kids were just as ugly as the cards, which was the only good thing about this film. But the story line, dammit, it simply sucked the dripping snots of Messy Tessie. Another noteworthy shot was that Windy Winston was sagging his pants (wow, had no idea that style went that far back). HEARING AID OFF (sorry 80s movie fans, but this one was STUpid).

“Snitch”: I was blown away by the Rock’s acting. He reminded me of a real action star, like the great and powerful Oak. I think one reason I thought the Rock did an awesome job, was that I had the close captions on and the volume low and my hearing aid was out. Sometimes, I find myself annoyed and tired with my hearing aid in my ear (this is a new occurrence since I discovered the wonders of closed captions (don’t ask why I haven’t made use of it my entire life)). Before, I sometimes I would want it out, but fought through the annoyance and kept on listening. Things are slightly different now. I didn’t hear the Rock’s voice to make me think of his WWE days. Rock was hilarious in WWE. Another thing I have to say, aside from the storyline keeping me on my toes, was that the Rock was huge and managed to get a smackdown on his candy ass, repeatedly, which added more realism to the film. HEARING AID ON