Call 9-1-1 For This Blog Content

“The Call”: Gomer Pyle exclaimed, “Surprise. Surprise. Surprise.” And boy was I surprised. This movie was recommended by my sister-in-law and for once, she recommended a good one. I remember watching the previews for this one and thinking how the previews sucked shaved donkey nuts. Obviously, one should never base a movie on the previews, you know what I mean. Dontcha? Kinda of like judging me based on my looks: because I’m a caveman lookalike and can’t speak, nor write the greatest English, you wouldn’t have thought I possess 4 college degrees (two of which pertain to English (go figure)), once earned a 4.7 GPA for 1 semester in high school (all boys catholic college preparatory school), or that I write poetry everyday (and yes, I am bragging; go ahead and call 9-1-1). In short, never judge a book by its cover, especially me (I am a book just waiting to be written with all the misspellings of all those ghetto urban fiction (so called African American fiction (which it ain’t, uh-uh, no suh, gimme me sum of that queen bitch in that welfare wars with a crack-head gangster money honey buns with a pitbull) at the Library I work at)). Halle was okay, anyone could have played her role, but what did it for me was the story, the little girl and the actor who played the psycho. The psycho was demented: killing little girls for their hair, possibly raping the little girls after scalping them (notice the blood stained sheets), incest & have kids & wife; damn Cleveland, doesn’t that sound familiar. Sadly art imitates life, which is the only muse for our senses. The little girl did some badass stuff and one cannot help but root for the little warrior all the way, with swollen eye & scalpel cut (eww that was brutal to watch). The storyline was great the way it ended: revenge for the good girls. HEARING AID ON

Break, My Bad

“Breaking Bad” Season 4: Enter the badassness of Gus. What a guy? Nerdy, but dirty. That dude is someone you do not want to mess with, unless you in a wheelchair with a ding-ding-ding. This season kept my face glued to the screen so much, my wife had to unmelt my skin from the TV with a hair dryer-blower thing. There was a lot of back story and other characters involved more than Walt. I wished there was more of Saul, of which was a good man. The DEA brother-in-law had a wicked sense of humor in terms of the gimp jokes, and appeared to have gotten fatter, and used the same lame jokes too many times. Why didn’t the doctors tell him to lose some weight because it would help with recovery? Going back to Gus; he was a very clever man, a thinker that thought 300 steps in advance, except when we saw his skull. It was that sixth sense Walt joked. The ending was a little lame and uncliffhangerish, but still makes me want to see the next chapter. Shall I? Oh, I shall, bitch! HEARING AID ON

Play Nazis For Me. Not Really!

“Surf Nazis Must Die”: (A college friend suggestion). We all grow up with our own type of cheesy movies we just absolutely love heart and soul for no apparent reason other than it has been inseminated into our DNA. This ain’t even close to being my kind of cheesy goodness. You know, you have that cheesy goodness in that grilled burger at a family gathering, in which, you personally haven’t eaten a burger in like 2 years and it smells ever so goddamn good, knowing that if and when you eat it, it will constipate you for a day and a half, but that thought of eating that burger with that bowl of hot melted cheese (picture it: a hot bowl of melted cheese, which by the way, you just noticed next to the hamburger buns, steaming ever-so delicious godforsaken hot cheese that is gonna be poured onto the burger, as well as the burger will be dipped into the cheese sassy saucy, which will have been blobbed onto your plate slowly seeping into those nice clean crispy fried French fries that will become cheesy fries); and wham-o you bite into that cheesy, extra cheesy grilled burger and fries. That my severed friend is cheesy goodness. This movie was not that at all. This move was that cheesy badness in which you eat a cheesy cheddar burger from Wendy’s, go to fart and out comes the sharted remains of that cheesy cheddar burger and an embarrassing car ride home with seepaged, soiled panties. Please, do NOT take your panties off. I am not even gonna mention the weirdoes that played in this movie like the Shakespearian wanna-be Adolf and fat tubby Mengele squeezed into a surfer suit. Naturally, the movie was over the top and badly cheesy, maybe even rotten cheesy for my nonexistent taste buds (you ever see what I eat?). You know, I didn’t mind the ridiculous characters like the Japanese surfers or the angry redbeard dude with the ultrabright green blotched black shirt, it was the plot being so utterly bizarro, and that is what made me drift into the nether regions of my mind shut off valve. HEARING AID OFF

“Play Misty For Me”: Get a load of this. The movie deals with a disc jockey that plays music on the radio and attends a jazz event. I watched the movie in mute. Ha ha ha. I kill myself. Don’t worry, I did not spend my time lip reading, which is a mad skill I have picked up over the decades. Oh, do not EVER try the “Elephant juice” trick on me, I’m just too skilled. Madly skilled, that is. Here is a movie about a psycho woman, whom is not attractive. Why couldn’t that cowboy pick up a hot sexy psycho woman? Yes, it is better to have psychos be physically attractive, movie speaking, after all, it is bad enough their minds are unattractive. Give me some physical beauty, it will make my eyes feel so fine. So fine. So fine with that red, red wine. So fine. Red Wine. Red, red wine. What the hell am I doing. Onwards; poor cowboy disc jockey blah blah and blah. We got it; we know what is gonna happen. Sadly, the black house maid got a stabbing, but we all know, that mad black woman would have put a hurting to that scrawny ugly white 70s cracker jack. You get my drift. Let me just say this, HEARING AID OFF.

Sload Of Movies

"Officer Down": Bust out cops played by bust out actors. Nearly every single male in this movie had a receding hair line, reminding me of my future hair days; good bye great lovely locks of curled golden sunned hair. The main character looked like he was hired straight outta the homeless pile of recovering drug addicts. The movie had an okay plot, but in the inevitable end within the big scheme of things, another worthless cop movie about crooked cops. HEARING AID OFF

"Evil Dead" (Original): This is the only movie I have ever watched as a child and was too scared to watch it by myself that I turned it off. The movie is dark and demonly demented and awesome. All one has to do is watch Ash's face, and be absorbed into how scared the scenery looks. The cabin is creepy, the demon voices are terrifying. A classic work of art, that was remade 2 more times in very different ways.as well as all the same. Watching this movie again, allowed me to see the pure rise of a hero within the movie: Ash goes from scaredy cat to demon slayer. HEARING AID ON

"From Beyond": Third wiggly eye that sees everything in 80s computer graphics, slimy alien creature that constantly mutates; Candyman; 80s chick dressing sexy but doesn't look remotely sexy because of unsexy face and atrocious hair: what is not to love about this adventure? Pay particular attention to the computer system: wow, very reminiscent of the mad scientist black and white era computers: push this button, hit this switch, move that lever and let us hope the experiment works. I thought the big giant deformed hands were hideous and made me gag out my popcorn. I would hate to be touched by such a thing from beyond. HEARING AID ON

"Maniac Cop": Big jawed revenging crazed man who can take numerous bullet shots. Bruce Campbell and "Thrill me" cop from Night of the Creeps made grand appearances with the awesome everything of the 80s. Pay particular attention to the suit coats with the special specs of contrasting color dots, thus making the suit coats look like rugs. Bad hair days in this film, along with a crazed cop in New York (what cop isn't portrayed as crazy in New York?). BTW, the jaw is real. It was pretty cool to have a horror movie appear like a mystery: murders are happening by whom and why; the viewer has to find out as the smart assed detective figures things out. It was even a nice touch to have the smart ass be defenestrated. HEARING AID ON

"Creature From The Black Lagoon": Creature was amazing. I don't care if this movie was a product of its time. The movie was sooooooooo slow moving. It was like watching a National Geographic show about fish. I loved the wise cracking cigar chewing captain. I also loved how the one pipe smoking doctor received a few scrapes from the Creature but had his face totally bandaged up as if, as if, as if his entire head was sucked off by the creature. What was up with the girl swimming so much and the Creature showing off his merman skills? Whatever! HEARING AID OFF

"Killer Klowns From Outer Space": Nearly all hate clowns. Watch this movie and you'll hate clowns ever more, especially if you witness a tall one. How about Dean Wormer being a cop?He was hilarious. This movie was an 80s riot with stupid lame ass jokes, crazy plot, bad acting, bad hair and killer klowns. The clown humor never ended: little cars, cotton candy, funny walks, sprinkler flowers, popcorn guns: all awesome. The klowns were straight up goofy looking, but once they smiled, oh man, you would not want to ever meet eye to eye with a clown. Clowns are creeper, Klowns are deadlier. HEARING AID ON

"Street Trash": Trash, trash, straight up dung from a huge heaping pile of crap from a sheep that just ate haggis and shat it out. Shat it. Shat it. Shat it out loud. (Sing to tune of Kiss' Shout it). Who ever had any involvement with this film should obtain a week long stomach flu that goes in this order: 1 week puking, 1 week sitting on the toilet, and 1 more week puking and sitting on the toilet. If anyone who has paid a compliment to this film in any way, shape or form should never be offered the option of true love. The move was about street trash and their lame interconnectedness that even the cosmos would like to have made sure were never created outside within the universe, but sadly the film was made and I painstakingly plowed through it. The film left a terrible disgust within my bowels and then into my psyche. Filthy characters were shown as engaging in sex. This was Hill Have Eyes infused with homeless, thus creating Homeless Have Eyes. Nothing horror about this film, rather a Toxic Avenger/Troma type move. I hate this movie and the idiotic memories given to me. HEARING AID OFF

Scooby Snacks In The End

“Scooby-Doo And The Ghoul School”: A blast from the childhood tv past. I remember always wanting to see this movie on Tv, yet only, truly remember the volleyball scenes. Rewatching this movie made me wonder about this movie. Having all three of my boys with me and not really hearing the dialogue, I let my mind simply wonder some more. It turned out, no dialogue needed to be heard. The Scooby plot itself is way out there, man, like outer space out there. In this movie, there are real monsters, Shaggy has a red shirt, the van looks like a space ship and Scrappy-Doo is in it, obviously to win it. Yet, my heart and soul still loves Scooby in this strange caper, which isn’t even a caper, but rather a long drawn out weirdness-to-make-you-wonder-what-the-hell-the-writers-were-popping moment. HEARING AID ON

“This Is The End”: Realistic fantasy and fantastic ride. Funny, funny, funny and just outright crazy. The laughs have got to go, GOT TO GO (Franco’s voice in mind). Everything about it was fun and what the viewer was thinking: McBride the uberdeutschbag, Jonah the nice, and take those pants off. The movie looked like a ton of fun and although not all of it was characteristically true, the script made it seem like true, thus allowing the viewer to nod his/her head in agreement to the almighty plot of the movie. I’ll tell you what, I would have done the same thing with the drugs & booze, like Jonah said while pointing the gun around, gotta have some fun. Bang. Bang. Bang. Ever wonder why McBride is the saaaaaaaaaame character in every single movie: white trash hillbilly who is annoyingly funny; he is that fat guy on the football team that rides the pine all year, every year of his life, yet brags about his superstar days and parties really hard all year, you feel bad for the dude, but you know the dude is daaaaamn funny. HEARING AID ON

“Iron Man 3”: And my oh my is there a lot of technology going on. Way, way too many Iron Man suits, but it all worked out plot wise and movie screen wise. It was a rush to see Robert use his brand of sarcastic humor while being Tony. He is the burnt-out-looking-actor-version-of-Johnny Depp type that gets to be himself (aside from nearly all the characters from This Is The End) while making a huge, massive blockbuster hit. The #1 thing I loved about this movie is how it kept referring to the Avengers movie; now that is awesome because it allows there to be a continuity of filmage. Also, the scene following the credits is classic. Notice that the technology used in this film is more realistic than the technology in the films used in the black & white days with their large giant boxes and countless knobs that visually and practically made no sense, especially when the mad scientist would turn this and that for no other apparent reason other than to turn on a light bulb: fascinating. But, I guess that was the future of technology then. Technology will never rule us physically, but rather change our mental thought process to steer us away from the simple things in life that make us truly happy: hot wife, 3 beautiful boys, country home, booze, G.I. Joes & ability to grow awesome sideburns: whoops, I guess I was referring to me and didn’t include, you the reader. Sorry. Now it is your turn to think of the little things that make you happy:                                                             All a HEARING AID ON

Yo

“Breaking Bad” Season 3: And off to a slow start. This is probably the only TV show that I have watched in which it starts off extremely show, to the point I almost do not want to watch it, then at the very end explodes into great awesomeness. Saul, I love that dude, he is funny and his scratchy voice is great. Saul the sleazy lawyer knows all and has a ton of cards up his sleeves, just like Mr. White. Even though Saul breaks the law, he still has principles; he is very adamant about not giving up Jesse’s (fake) address, bitch. And I’ll give you a “You know, yo.” How odd was that fly episode? Oh, and that other creepy chemist, along with creepy faced Los Pollos manager? And those other creepy fellas from the cartel, the Mexican look-alikes, which remind me of my twin military nephews (btw, they walked stupidly in their skull-tipped boots)? I am a boot-nonshit-stomping kind of guy. I love my boots. I got me a pair of cowboys, shoe boots & Austin Power boots. However, I hate those that wear boots and walk with their feet outward. I think of that dadudadut, dadudadut, dadudadut, dadudadut walking sound. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. But I did not hate this Season 3. HEARING AID ON

You All Gone Crazy

"Take Shelter": This is that movie I am gonna refer to as a dragster: it drags on and on and the viewer knows what is in store & hopes for something different. Only great thing about this movie was that it took place in Ohio: Elyria Public Library is shown & OSU & Columbus is mentioned. And boy oh boy did they find an extremely ugly man to be the lead character. The dude looks like the son of Jaws from James Bond movies, you know that guy who played in that Adam Sandler movie and had the nail stuck in his head. When the movie finished, I was so pissed with the ending and how it led me down a trail of dredging sludge pile of wastedness, my entire day was thrown outta whack. If I were you, go and build your tornado shelter and put this movie in there, or better yet, if you see a tornado, toss this movie into the funnel and hope to god it does better in Oz. HEARING AID OFF.

I'm still hear

“Total Recall”: I have said it once, probably twice, but, woo woo woo you know I’m gonna say it again: Don’t remake an Arnold movie! Arnold is the man and don’t try to duplicate his place in cinematic history. This version was full of too much sci-fi screen junk. It was over-the-top. Sure it was nice to bring in the 3 boobed lady & the chubby 2-weeks chick, but the ending was tiresome, boringsome, and bothersome. Total reshit is what this movie was. It was like someone took a dump, another came along, ate the crap and pooped it all out. HEARING AID OFF

“Get The Gringo”: To be honest, I miss Mel in the movies. Mel is a great actor and so sorry about his temporary fall from grace with his drunken whatever of the past. The movie was entertaining, and full of rooting for the bad guy to save the day. The prison was so mind-blowing and insane that it only has to exist within some part of this insane world. I love the ending in which the Driver talks about karma and how he is just going to enjoy what is left of the summer. I hear (you know that I use it not as apun) you, Mel, I will enjoy what is left of my Fall. HEARING AID ON

No Pain, All Gain

"Pain & Gain": Pure fiction, right? Aw, man, this movie is too much. What a bunch of ball busters in this film!? Lugy's main heroes were self made fictional characters. Ah, just too much. Or, he knows what to do because he watched a lot of movies. Marky Mark is pretty good at being that self-motivated jock. But, the Rock, holy crap, he was so good and so believable at being a big muscled cocaine head, it was pure entertainment. And to think these dudes really existed is even better. Think about it, there are billions of people in this world and billions of them are just plain idiots or do idiotic things at certain times of their lives. It is calling being an idiotic human being. Cocaine and religion, ha that is great, I still can't stop thinking of that scene when the stripper is talking to Rock and he is all coked out and all we hear from the stripper is Charlie Brown teacher talk. This movie keeps your eyes glued to the screen due to the sheer utter unbelievableness detailing these real life 3 stooges. Oh, even better was how the 3 try to kill that Colombian, classy stoogefest all the way through. HEARING AID ON. My words do not do this movie justice one bit. Try it for yourselves. It will leave you in awe and extra knowledgeable about how the stupidity of mankind will never fade.

Beepbeepbeep

“The Three Stooges Collection V. 6, 1949-1951”: What can I say other than I am still plugging away at the Stooges. Shemp still in the mix with his “beep, beep, beep” noises and very ugly face. Love how everyone calls him a beauty or refers to him as the most handsome of the crew. Why I oughta … remember Moe’s awesome one-liners. Moe is great being the leader. I love when he tells them to follow him and he pushes one of the stooges in front and he follows them. Here is a classic conversation between Moe and Larry (not exact, put you’ll get the picture).

Moe: Aren’t you scared?

Larry: Naw. I’m apprehensive.

Moe: Oh, o …. Apprehensive? What does it mean?

Larry: I’m scared … with a college education.

Moe: Why, aren’t you smart? What is that (pointing to his open palm)?

Larry: A hand.

Moe: What is that (pointing to his closed hand)?

Larry: A fist.

Moe: What is this (pointing to his eye)?

Larry: An eye.

After Larry says, “An eye,” Moe punches Larry in the eye.

It appears that every other short is a good one with some footage from earlier shorts being reused, as well as some of the same script writing. There also isn’t a lot of being poor references and their wardrobe isn’t as mix-matched as the Curly years. However, one still cannot compete with the Stooges when they get scared and run screaming, “Nyaaaaah-aaaaah.”

Gems still worth my time. HEARING AID ON